it was the best times...

I'm so incredibly sick. Usually a heavy sleeper, I woke up at least three times last night coughing out my brains. My head hurts, and I'm really tired. This is a time when a boyfriend would come in handy. Damn.

I think that's why I dreamt of him last night. It was such a nice dream. I wish I could remember more of it, but I was distracted so much when I woke up that my memory quickly slipped away. I just remember meeting him somewhere and feeling really happy. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him, and we walked under these autumn trees side by side. There was hesitation, and I wanted to hold his hand, but I refrained. We walked and talked about something, and the orange, red, and gold leaves were falling down on us like rain. Through the gust of wind and heavy leaf fall, he said, "Let's get outta here," quickly grabbed my hand, and we ran. We ran, and I remember there were tears in my eyes, but I was smiling, and the cold wind was being sucked into my lungs.

My alarm went off at 3:00am. Strange. I set it for 7:30am. My phone is so messed up. It is time for a new one. I woke up alone in my room with a dry throat, and I kept coughing even though my neck burned with fire. Immediately, I was reminded of the dream, and pain clenched my heart.

I'm afraid.

Right now, things are okay. I talked to my NY friend after not having spoken for over three days, and I started to wonder if things will be different once she and I find boyfriends... or whatever people call them these days. It's only been a week, and already she's starting to disappear. Same thing goes for another friend of mine who started speaking to a girl. I know it's inevitable, but I think the timing is just bad. Am I being selfish? No, I want all my friends to find happiness and more, but I guess it's just that I feel I'm the person people lean on when everything else in their life fails. I'm glad people can lean on me for support, but sometimes, things get a little too heavy. I don't want to be that back up girl to any friend. I know it should be okay, but I just don't like feeling like a filler. If I'm a good friend, then treat me like a good friend through both the good and bad times in your life. Don't just call me up crying and telling me your depressing stories. What's terrible is that they're the same problems over and over again. What else am I supposed to do? What else am I supposed to say? I give my advice, but if people don't take it, what can I do?

It's just not a good time. I'm scared of being alone again these holidays. I know it's going to happen, but I don't know how to prepare myself for it. What is it about these last two months? My company sent out an email yesterday saying to RSVP to our holiday party with the name of your guest. My guest. I don't even have a guest. Is that what they call them these days?

Usually it wouldn't be a big deal. I hang out with my coworkers all the time. But it's the holidays. And all my peers will be there with their loved ones. And I will show up alone. Couples will flock to me with pity to keep me company and share my conversation. Others will wave me down to come sit at their table with them. Why is this so painful? Why can't I be happy being alone? I was not too long ago. What happened?

I need to shun myself from negativity for a while. Hearing people talk about their triumphs and tragedies of relationships only emphasizes the fact that everyone is seeking one. I wasn't seeking anything, and now I'm wondering if I should.

Probably not. I don't want to move on just yet. I'm too tired.

By the way, Sweet-N-Sour sent me the Twilight Collector's Edition in the mail. Although there has been so much going through my head, this really lifted my spirits, and I just wanted to give a special thank you to her. As I've told her before, she's been there for me for the last 24, almost 25, years now, and I'm so happy she has always been a huge part of my life. Knowing there are terrible things going on in her life, she is the prime example of making the best out of everything. I admire and love her with all my heart. So thank you again for always thinking of me, always being considerate, and always being on my side even when I don't want to hear it.