never enough

All my life I have struggled with trying to make my dad proud. Isn't this what many people go through?

Sometimes, it's hard to see the flaws in yourself. To me, I see a kindhearted, spirited, happy girl. To my dad, he sees a girl that's naive, oblivious, and disappointing. I can never be enough for him. If I became a doctor, he would ask me why just a pedatrician and not a surgeon? He is always pushing me. I guess you could say it's tough love, but sometimes, all a girl wants is just plain love.

Being the eldest of three is difficult. The son is automatically the golden child because he is a boy. The youngest will always be the baby. Me, I'm the one that just gets in the way. I'm the one that has to set an example of being responsible. Being happy isn't enough. You have to be the best. But what if the best doesn't exist?

My friend told me that I will come to a point where I will just be happy for me and not for anyone else but me, but I think in every Asian son/daughter, there will always be a part of you that desires for your parents' approvals. Not only is it desired, but it's almost required in order for you to be fully happy. It hurts knowing that they've done so much for you only for you to disappoint them.

It's not that way with my siblings. My brother is showcased to my parents' friends as a future dentist. My sister is applauded as the best saxophonist at her school. And me? I'm 27 living at home and just now going back to school. How can I feel good about myself?

I started to wonder if this is a reason why I seek so much reassurance from the guys I date. I constantly crave for their approval. As much as my girlfriends tell me they love me, I wish to hear the same from these guys. This psychoanalysis on myself has only gotten me this far in my realization, but despite the recognition, I don't know how to control or change it. What are the next steps to a recovering disregarded, depressed, and disappointing child?