looking back

Today, I went through boxes of miscellaneous items in my closet. It's been 3 months since I've moved into my apartment and 6 months since the breakup. As I rummaged through bags of things I haven't seen in years, I came across something that felt like only yesterday when I had stowed it away.

A shoebox covered in strips of different shades of blue that were cut out from various magazines. On the flap were movie and theater ticket stubs from the summer he and I started dating. I opened the box and inside were individual pictures of us glued onto the walls. The contents consisted of old letters, cards, pictures, and trinkets to remind us of all we'd been through together.

As I flipped through and read the letters, tears welled up while the memories flowed back into my reality. So many times the words "always" and "forever" came up. At the time, those feelings were so strong. So certain. But now, they seem so shallow. So distant. I felt like such a fool. Yet, I missed saying them. I miss hearing them. From him? I'm not sure. But that comfort, that love, I felt, was difficult to find. And I started to wonder if I ever would again. Did I make a mistake?

No, it's over. This I know for certain. It's just one of those days. Everyone has them, but at least mine occur less frequently nowadays. I suppose that's progress. Although, this has been the worst in a long time. I ran my fingers across the side of his face on the collage I made him. It was hard trying to remember the feel of the curves and wrinkles of his smile. I couldn't get the image out of my head. What do I do with it all? Do I throw away five years worth of memories? Or do I keep it to torment my heart? How can I let it go?

I can't. Not yet. But maybe I can learn from it.

I feel like I won't ever feel that way for anyone again. And the next time I start to fall, I'll try really hard not to throw around promises so carelessly. I never want to feel this way ever again, but at the same time, I don't know when to let down this guard.

The boxes and pictures still stare back at me. I pray that one day soon I'll have the strength and courage to finally look away.

the beginning

John Milton once said, "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." I hope that with my thoughts and words you'll be able to share with me the triumphs and tragedies of my life's journey. Thanks for reading.