I went to the lake this weekend with the family. I hadn't planned on swimming. I never plan on swimming. If I do, it's usually a spontaneous decision. I don't like pruned fingers, I don't like my clothes getting wet, and, most of all, I despise the sun. So of course on Saturday, the sun was really making itself known. By the time we got out there, it was close to 103 degrees!! wtf?!? I don't enjoy tanning, and I feel like being in or even near the vicinity of water makes you tan faster because of the sun's rays reflecting off the surface. I just can't escape the sun and its claws anywhere I go.
Anyway, I was battling with my friends and family in the whole "come in the water" conversation when finally my mother somehow convinces me. I was wearing my bathing suit, a tank, and a pocketed toweled skirt. I quickly took off my shirt and jumped in. I was floating when my skirt floated up and bumped into my arm with a soft *thump* making me realize something was in my pocket. Of course, it was my phone.
I quickly got out of the water, took my phone apart, and laid it out to dry in the sun. Piece of shit. I'm so sad. I'm hoping and praying that if I give it a couple more days, it will dry out. I had to go buy a crappy little prepaid phone at Walmart, switch out the SIM card, and use that for the time being. It sucks even more because all my phone numbers were saved onto my phone, so I currently only have 8 numbers saved. Not to mention, I don't even know if I'll be able to recover my pictures and whatnot saved in my other phone. Sigghhh.. what a hasslehoff.
Every means of communication I had with the outside world broke down this weekend. My computer started acting crazy and my phone is dead. Both are fixed now, but at the time, I was going nuts. Some of you may remember my little social experiment a few months back when I lost my phone on New Year's Eve. I tested myself for a month to see how well I'd hold up without a phone. In the end, it was really a lot easier than I thought, and I ended up even liking not having a cell phone! But due to the concern of my family and friends, I caved in last February and got a new phone. Fully equipped with texting. I was welcomed back into society and introduced to the world of texting. Big mistake. The worst part? I just upgraded to mobile-to-mobile talk and unlimited texting to prevent myself from going over. What a freaking waste of money since I won't be able to use much of either without everyone's numbers.
How is it that I went a whole entire month without my phone in the beginning of this year? Maybe it was because I still had my computer? Or did I make more friends? Haha. Probably so. But really, have things changed that much since January? This puts me in an optimistic state of mind. Before, I wanted to be alone. I think I subconcsiously wanted to be disconnected from everyone, and so I literally made it happen. It was an emotionally difficult time that I never thought I'd get out of, and now, half a year later looking back, I can see the difference in myself. Not that I'm completely out of the hole I dug for myself, but I feel like I may have a grip at the surface readying to pull myself out. It's kind of like when you see a friend every day that you're so accustomed to the way she looks. You don't notice the subtle changes in her physical appearance, but if you don't see her until a few months later, the subtle changes become more drastic. I feel like I'm starting to recognize the person in the mirror a little better now than before. It's slowly getting there. I'm holding my breath. I can almost say, "Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" I'm waiting for my reflection to answer back, "Yes, from Crazytown."
Speaking of familiar friends, "Breaking Dawn" comes out this Friday!!!!! My nights have been so lonely without Edward Cullen. I can't wait to see him again. I'm going to make "Team Edward" tshirts for me and my girlfriends who have been following this series. The days are going to drag until the release. Aaaahhhh! I can't wait!
So yes, if you have my number, please text/call me with yours. And don't be a moron and do the "here's my number" text. Specify who you are because despite how many times I may have talked to you, I'm not rainman. I used to be good at memorizing numbers, but with the wonderful technological advances of our time, we are now allowed to use less of our brains. Thank God.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
"the poor food of happyness"
My apologies for being so behind on my blogging. I didn’t realize I had a good number of you all reading my rants. It’s been a little hectic at work, but as time starts to slow down, I promise to be better at keeping up with my entries. I suppose - if you write… they will come.
___________________________________________________
There were so many things I hated doing when I was a child. I couldn’t wait to grow up because I knew once I did, the world would be at the mercy of my fingertips, and I’d be able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
No one ever told me to take into account the bills, responsibilities, and chaos the world is comprised of.
I never found that perfect world I once imagined.
Instead, I find myself wishing for my childhood back. I really did have a beautiful childhood. I wish I had realized this while growing up. I was very lucky. I still am. But why is it that we always want what we can’t have? And sometimes, sadly, it’s too late to realize that what you wanted was what you had the entire time. This truly is the story of my life.
We live in a selfish world where society values status and wealth. It encourages greed and competition. To get ahead is to succeed. And even then, it’s not enough. This kind of mentality is promoted, and in turn, people lose sight of life’s true happiness. But “fortune” and “wealth” are two completely different things to me. I’m not here to preach about my idea of happiness or my definition of the meaning of life. All I’m questioning is, if you take a big step back to examine your life at this moment, would you be happy with what you’re doing now 10 years from today? It’s difficult to do this, I won’t lie. I’m not happy with my life for so many reasons, but I feel like when I look back on these years, I’ll be wishing I was 24 again. Why can’t I fully enjoy my life right now? Why is it that I expect so much from myself? I’m not saying to settle for what you have, but why can’t people work towards a better future while being content with their lives?
Anyway, the whole fiasco that sparked these deep thoughts was actually a very simple incident. It was lunch time at work, and as always, I was concentrating hard on what I wanted to eat. All of a sudden, I had this sudden nostalgic craving for cafeteria food. I don't know why! Cafeteria food sucks, right? But at that moment, that's all I could think about. I needed the poor food quality of dairy products and starches desperately. I was thinking about hamburger Thursdays and nacho Fridays and quietly wondering to myself if the nearby high school would notice if I slipped in during lunch time to grab myself a tray. Luckily, there’s a café downstairs that I figured would suffice my craving. While waiting in line, my mind drifted off to the crimped French fries and processed cheese that were frequently served with the meals in grade school. As I stood there daydreaming, the CTO of my company walked by with someone and got hold of my attention. I quickly snapped out of my fantasy and greeted him and his guest. He introduced me, and then we proceeded into the normal small talk that everyone is all too familiar with. After the “how have you been?” questions, there was a sort of awkward pause that lingered in the air. For a while, he kind of stood there waiting for me to say something, and I stood there half-mindedly waiting for the same. I say “half-mindedly” because although my dumbstruck body was standing there, my head was dancing with thoughts of buckets of coleslaw and extra sloppy joes. As my friends will vouch for me, I’m not normally the speechless type. My mouth stayed half-open as if waiting for my mind to come up with some sort of witty and intelligent topic, and if I remember correctly, I think I even slightly leaned in hoping that physical movement would jolt my thoughts awake. He hesitates to turn around because he thinks I’m about to speak, I close my mouth having come up with nothing, and then I awkwardly turn away. Slowly. I quickly considered turning back around and saying, “Oh, did you hear on CNN about the tomatoes not being the source of Salmonella anymore?” but figured otherwise since it would probably only confirm the weirdness that just took place.
Basically what happened was, I wanted cafeteria food, I started wishing for my life as a child, I was confronted by a coworker and forced to make small talk, and then I started to think about why people even bother with small talk and how small talk became such a necessary social responsibility and why I couldn't have cafeteria food anymore. Fast-forwarding to a few hours later, I somehow get around to thinking about what I just wrote in the beginning of this entry. Sigh. Whew!
So yeah, this is how my mind works. It always starts off with some ridiculously miniscule event that turns into a thought-provoking, potential life-changing contemplation. I wonder if I really am clinically unstable. One minute I’m Dr. Seuss and the next minute I’m Foucault. Then again, why can’t I just be happy being both?
___________________________________________________
There were so many things I hated doing when I was a child. I couldn’t wait to grow up because I knew once I did, the world would be at the mercy of my fingertips, and I’d be able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
No one ever told me to take into account the bills, responsibilities, and chaos the world is comprised of.
I never found that perfect world I once imagined.
Instead, I find myself wishing for my childhood back. I really did have a beautiful childhood. I wish I had realized this while growing up. I was very lucky. I still am. But why is it that we always want what we can’t have? And sometimes, sadly, it’s too late to realize that what you wanted was what you had the entire time. This truly is the story of my life.
We live in a selfish world where society values status and wealth. It encourages greed and competition. To get ahead is to succeed. And even then, it’s not enough. This kind of mentality is promoted, and in turn, people lose sight of life’s true happiness. But “fortune” and “wealth” are two completely different things to me. I’m not here to preach about my idea of happiness or my definition of the meaning of life. All I’m questioning is, if you take a big step back to examine your life at this moment, would you be happy with what you’re doing now 10 years from today? It’s difficult to do this, I won’t lie. I’m not happy with my life for so many reasons, but I feel like when I look back on these years, I’ll be wishing I was 24 again. Why can’t I fully enjoy my life right now? Why is it that I expect so much from myself? I’m not saying to settle for what you have, but why can’t people work towards a better future while being content with their lives?
Anyway, the whole fiasco that sparked these deep thoughts was actually a very simple incident. It was lunch time at work, and as always, I was concentrating hard on what I wanted to eat. All of a sudden, I had this sudden nostalgic craving for cafeteria food. I don't know why! Cafeteria food sucks, right? But at that moment, that's all I could think about. I needed the poor food quality of dairy products and starches desperately. I was thinking about hamburger Thursdays and nacho Fridays and quietly wondering to myself if the nearby high school would notice if I slipped in during lunch time to grab myself a tray. Luckily, there’s a café downstairs that I figured would suffice my craving. While waiting in line, my mind drifted off to the crimped French fries and processed cheese that were frequently served with the meals in grade school. As I stood there daydreaming, the CTO of my company walked by with someone and got hold of my attention. I quickly snapped out of my fantasy and greeted him and his guest. He introduced me, and then we proceeded into the normal small talk that everyone is all too familiar with. After the “how have you been?” questions, there was a sort of awkward pause that lingered in the air. For a while, he kind of stood there waiting for me to say something, and I stood there half-mindedly waiting for the same. I say “half-mindedly” because although my dumbstruck body was standing there, my head was dancing with thoughts of buckets of coleslaw and extra sloppy joes. As my friends will vouch for me, I’m not normally the speechless type. My mouth stayed half-open as if waiting for my mind to come up with some sort of witty and intelligent topic, and if I remember correctly, I think I even slightly leaned in hoping that physical movement would jolt my thoughts awake. He hesitates to turn around because he thinks I’m about to speak, I close my mouth having come up with nothing, and then I awkwardly turn away. Slowly. I quickly considered turning back around and saying, “Oh, did you hear on CNN about the tomatoes not being the source of Salmonella anymore?” but figured otherwise since it would probably only confirm the weirdness that just took place.
Basically what happened was, I wanted cafeteria food, I started wishing for my life as a child, I was confronted by a coworker and forced to make small talk, and then I started to think about why people even bother with small talk and how small talk became such a necessary social responsibility and why I couldn't have cafeteria food anymore. Fast-forwarding to a few hours later, I somehow get around to thinking about what I just wrote in the beginning of this entry. Sigh. Whew!
So yeah, this is how my mind works. It always starts off with some ridiculously miniscule event that turns into a thought-provoking, potential life-changing contemplation. I wonder if I really am clinically unstable. One minute I’m Dr. Seuss and the next minute I’m Foucault. Then again, why can’t I just be happy being both?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
start from the bottom
From: Janice Sent: Wednesday, July 09, 2008 4:55 PM
To: Wazhma Noorzayee; Craig Wright
Subject: RE:
All the fairy tales in the world should be crammed into a tiny box and buried deep down beneath the fiery pits of hell so that no innocent little child could ever grow up fantasizing about happy endings and prince charmings. Wishful-thinking is overrated.
Other than that, I’m having a splendid day.
_____________________________________________
From: Wazhma Noorzayee Sent: Wednesday, July 09, 2008 4:51 PM
To: Craig Wright; Janice
Subject:
Janice, Craig wants to know how you're doing today?? Tell him how you feel about "happily ever after." He doesn't believe in it either.
To: Wazhma Noorzayee; Craig Wright
Subject: RE:
All the fairy tales in the world should be crammed into a tiny box and buried deep down beneath the fiery pits of hell so that no innocent little child could ever grow up fantasizing about happy endings and prince charmings. Wishful-thinking is overrated.
Other than that, I’m having a splendid day.
_____________________________________________
From: Wazhma Noorzayee Sent: Wednesday, July 09, 2008 4:51 PM
To: Craig Wright; Janice
Subject:
Janice, Craig wants to know how you're doing today?? Tell him how you feel about "happily ever after." He doesn't believe in it either.
Monday, July 7, 2008
humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Of course, I went against my better judgment. Why? You know, I still can't answer that. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm still trying to figure it out myself.
We had a good thing going. It always starts off that way, doesn't it? I kept pushing and pushing it away trying to deny any sort of feeling I had. I couldn't risk it. But then at some point, I really started to believe that it might work. And then at a later point, I fooled myself into thinking that it would be worth risking. Maybe it would've been.
I started to like him. I think that's where I went wrong. I thought, "It'll be different this time. He's different. He knows where I'm coming from. He'll understand." I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything for anyone. That's why I kept going back and forth in my feelings since the last post. Then finally, I just went for it. I let my guard down, and I tore down the wall I had worked so hard to build up. As soon as I was exposed, I was shot again. That's how it goes, right? Serves me right for thinking I could be just as happy again. I must have done something terrible in my past life.
My girlfriends say there's nothing wrong with me, but there has to be if every guy I'm remotely interested in turns and runs away. Despite their reassurances, I know there has to be. I wish I could step outside my body and observe every action of mine so that I can pinpoint the exact moment of my downfall.
So, here I go again. Starting over the construction. Brick by brick. Hopefully this time, the routine has become customary enough to be less hurtful.
We had a good thing going. It always starts off that way, doesn't it? I kept pushing and pushing it away trying to deny any sort of feeling I had. I couldn't risk it. But then at some point, I really started to believe that it might work. And then at a later point, I fooled myself into thinking that it would be worth risking. Maybe it would've been.
I started to like him. I think that's where I went wrong. I thought, "It'll be different this time. He's different. He knows where I'm coming from. He'll understand." I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything for anyone. That's why I kept going back and forth in my feelings since the last post. Then finally, I just went for it. I let my guard down, and I tore down the wall I had worked so hard to build up. As soon as I was exposed, I was shot again. That's how it goes, right? Serves me right for thinking I could be just as happy again. I must have done something terrible in my past life.
My girlfriends say there's nothing wrong with me, but there has to be if every guy I'm remotely interested in turns and runs away. Despite their reassurances, I know there has to be. I wish I could step outside my body and observe every action of mine so that I can pinpoint the exact moment of my downfall.
So, here I go again. Starting over the construction. Brick by brick. Hopefully this time, the routine has become customary enough to be less hurtful.
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