Where does one draw the line between friendship and romance? What are the boundaries when it comes to friends? And just as rules are meant to be broken, if there are lines, are they made to be crossed?
From my experience, this has always been a very touchy, dangerous subject. I've lost more friends than I care to count because of this. It's always one person who falls deeper into a "relationship" than the other, and this always causes a problem. In rare cases, I was able to stay friends with them, but usually under conditions where the person who is wanted knows but ignores it. In the other cases, the friendships had to end. Sadly, even the ones that lasted for more than 10 years aren't excluded. These friendships that I lose hurt me so much. In fact, it hurts me the most. I don't lose boyfriends. I lose bestfriends. The pain is excruciating.
So, I've come across this all-too-familiar road yet again. No matter what direction I take to avoid it, it always leads me back to the long and winding road. And despite all the signs saying "Dead End," "No Outlet," and "TURN AROUND AND GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE," I can't help but feel curious as to where the road will lead to. The map that traces my history is out of control. Picture a 2-year old trying to color in the lines of a coloring book armed with a 100-pack crayon box.
I wonder how careless I am. The reasoning behind going forward is always, "Well, we'll just see what happens. If it's nothing, then it's nothing." But that's never the case.
I hope this time I'll have the strength to do the right thing. For once, please God, help me do the right thing. I couldn't stand to lose another friend.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
premonitions
Everyone's dreamt of being a superhero with super powers at least once in their lives, right? No? Whenever I spoke before of confusing fiction with reality, it's happening again. Sometimes, I feel like I can predict the future. I mean, really. It's not like I can summon the future into my head. Otherwise, I'd put that trait to good use. And by good use, I don't mean saving the world from destruction (12-21-12). I'm thinking more on the lines of Vegas. It's not that I can read palms or touch someone's head and get a vision. No, no, no. Not anything like that at all. It comes and goes. Every once in a while, I would get a strong feeling or a vivid image of someone or something. And sure enough, I would see it in real life not too long afterwards. Call it a coincidence, but all my life, I've felt that it was something more. It's happened far too many times. I've never believed in fortune tellers, but maybe there really are people with certain... gifts.
Last Thursday, I wrote about going to the musical. I said I didn't want to go alone because it would remind me of him. I wrote that in the morning, and all day, I kept getting vivid images of him in my head. It was as if he was really here with me. Like he was still a presence in my life. A ghost, if you will. And I tried very hard to shake those thoughts away from my head. I went to Whole Foods to meet with Lynn, and as I waited, I was so sure I saw him on the other side of the store. It was like in the movies where the main character sees someone he/she knows across the street, and then they look over again, and it's someone else. I thought it was him when I looked over, but it wasn't. I thought I was going crazy. I hadn't thought about him as much as I used to in a long time. I've trained myself to force him out of memory whenever I'm reminded of him. I'm getting better at it, but that day last Thursday, it was like I couldn't escape him. Someone up there was telling me something was about to happen.
And then it did.
As we were leaving, I was on my phone texting (haha.. yes, I'm a conformist, and I text now) when Lynn grabbed my arm to stop me. I thought I was about to run into something, and as I looked up, he brushed right by me. It all happened so fast. He didn't look at me, so for a split second, I thought he didn't see me. At least, I hoped he didn't. Not because I wanted to avoid him, but because I'd rather him not see me than admit to myself that *gulp* he did see me and still turned away without saying a word.
I froze.
I played the event over and over in my head at lightning speed. In the course of 5 seconds, I saw my ghost float through me and decided to go back to see for myself if he'd seen me. Of course, he had. How could he not have? In any case, I had to make sure.
We turned around to go back to him. I knew it. I just knew in the pit of my stomach that I would see him today. Of course. I should've been more prepared. My heart pounded louder and louder with each hesitant step. I should've known what to say. As I saw him standing there in line, his back turned to us, waiting to order his food, I called out his name to grab his attention, and either he ignored me or he didn't hear me. Again, I decided to go with the less hurtful possibility.
When Lynn got his attention, he turned around and barely made eye contact with me. He hardly said a word, and I started to worry if he had lost his voice. All I could manage to say to him was, "So, what are you doing here?" Ha. That'll show him!
After a minute of awkard gestures and exchanged conversations... well.. more so grunts than conversations... Lynn and I said goodbye and walked away.
She was worried about how I felt. She had every right to worry. I was a bit shaken. But surprisingly, it didn't last that long. I was sad, yes. That I knew was coming. But what I didn't expect was a feeling of... peace.
I was selfless for once. I was happy to see him happy. He wasn't happy to see me, but I could tell that he was content. Probably with the new girl in his life. And probably because things are going better with his job. Hopefully with his family, too. I was glad to see that he's moved along without me just fine. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't angry at him for being happy without me. I didn't question how he could do it or why. I mean, I've always wanted him to be happy. More than anything in the world. I would have exchanged my life for everything he's ever wanted. I love him too much to see him hurt. So finally, I accepted that this was a good thing. Finally. Yes, the breakup... was a good thing. As long as I know he is happy, then all the struggle, all the pain, all the hurt that I've endured would have been worth it. And I suppose now, I can say that it has.
"If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else perished and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it."
How did Emily Bronte know exactly what to say?
Maybe she had premonitions, too. Of my life. Maybe it's fate. Or maybe that's the logic behind all hopeless romantics. Whatever it is, it's all too much to merely be a coincidence. I think Lammy's right. I think it's time to write.
Last Thursday, I wrote about going to the musical. I said I didn't want to go alone because it would remind me of him. I wrote that in the morning, and all day, I kept getting vivid images of him in my head. It was as if he was really here with me. Like he was still a presence in my life. A ghost, if you will. And I tried very hard to shake those thoughts away from my head. I went to Whole Foods to meet with Lynn, and as I waited, I was so sure I saw him on the other side of the store. It was like in the movies where the main character sees someone he/she knows across the street, and then they look over again, and it's someone else. I thought it was him when I looked over, but it wasn't. I thought I was going crazy. I hadn't thought about him as much as I used to in a long time. I've trained myself to force him out of memory whenever I'm reminded of him. I'm getting better at it, but that day last Thursday, it was like I couldn't escape him. Someone up there was telling me something was about to happen.
And then it did.
As we were leaving, I was on my phone texting (haha.. yes, I'm a conformist, and I text now) when Lynn grabbed my arm to stop me. I thought I was about to run into something, and as I looked up, he brushed right by me. It all happened so fast. He didn't look at me, so for a split second, I thought he didn't see me. At least, I hoped he didn't. Not because I wanted to avoid him, but because I'd rather him not see me than admit to myself that *gulp* he did see me and still turned away without saying a word.
I froze.
I played the event over and over in my head at lightning speed. In the course of 5 seconds, I saw my ghost float through me and decided to go back to see for myself if he'd seen me. Of course, he had. How could he not have? In any case, I had to make sure.
We turned around to go back to him. I knew it. I just knew in the pit of my stomach that I would see him today. Of course. I should've been more prepared. My heart pounded louder and louder with each hesitant step. I should've known what to say. As I saw him standing there in line, his back turned to us, waiting to order his food, I called out his name to grab his attention, and either he ignored me or he didn't hear me. Again, I decided to go with the less hurtful possibility.
When Lynn got his attention, he turned around and barely made eye contact with me. He hardly said a word, and I started to worry if he had lost his voice. All I could manage to say to him was, "So, what are you doing here?" Ha. That'll show him!
After a minute of awkard gestures and exchanged conversations... well.. more so grunts than conversations... Lynn and I said goodbye and walked away.
She was worried about how I felt. She had every right to worry. I was a bit shaken. But surprisingly, it didn't last that long. I was sad, yes. That I knew was coming. But what I didn't expect was a feeling of... peace.
I was selfless for once. I was happy to see him happy. He wasn't happy to see me, but I could tell that he was content. Probably with the new girl in his life. And probably because things are going better with his job. Hopefully with his family, too. I was glad to see that he's moved along without me just fine. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't angry at him for being happy without me. I didn't question how he could do it or why. I mean, I've always wanted him to be happy. More than anything in the world. I would have exchanged my life for everything he's ever wanted. I love him too much to see him hurt. So finally, I accepted that this was a good thing. Finally. Yes, the breakup... was a good thing. As long as I know he is happy, then all the struggle, all the pain, all the hurt that I've endured would have been worth it. And I suppose now, I can say that it has.
"If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else perished and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it."
How did Emily Bronte know exactly what to say?
Maybe she had premonitions, too. Of my life. Maybe it's fate. Or maybe that's the logic behind all hopeless romantics. Whatever it is, it's all too much to merely be a coincidence. I think Lammy's right. I think it's time to write.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
hello, lonely and stupid world. meet janice.
Sigh. My friend left today. I know, I know. I dug my own grave on this one. Stupid me. To encourage her to pursue her dreams when I could've kept her selfishly here to myself. Haha. It's strange because we live in different cities already, but I guess the mentality of her being in a different state on the other side of the country makes me feel... lonely. At least before, we could've hopped into our cars spontaneously on a Saturday morning, driven two hours, and spent the entire weekend together laying out by the pool, drinking wine, and getting facials. But now, I'll have to wait another year. I think maybe my biggest fear is growing distant from her, not only in the literal sense but, in terms of our communication. We've lost touch before, and I'll use my santeria to curse the world before I let that happen again. We've come too far and yet too close to lose this friendship again. It's just change. And letting go. Both items of which I am no connoisseur by any means. Anyway, I guess it'll all be fine. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder," right? Geez... I'm so tired of adages.
People leaving all around me. Everyone is constantly moving. What am I doing? I go to work, come home, and bury myself behind pages and pages of fantasy. Fantasy that I'm confusing for the real world. Even the characters in the pages of my books are moving. Why do I feel I'm the only one here? I'm moving at a constant rate of zero.
Anyway, I'm changing up my routine a bit tonight. I got tickets to see a muscial at the theatre. The only tough part is, I need to find someone to actually go with. I normally wouldn't mind going alone, but this was our theatre. Mine and his. This was something we always did together. I miss that. This is what I meant when I told a friend of mine the other day that one of the biggest reasons why I miss him is because I don't have him to call up anymore to say, "Hey, let's go do something" on a last-minute whim. Now, I have to search for someone and convince them to share my company with.
I keep hearing various aphorisms from different people like "it'll get better soon," and "time heals all wounds," and my personal favorite "everything happens for a reason." I don't care. I'm hurting now, and these "encouraging" words don't make me feel any better. Usually when people are about to bestow this wisdom to me, they start off by saying, "I know you don't want to hear this, but..." Then don't say it!!! Don't say it because I don't want to hear it.
Finally today, I get an email from a girlfriend of mine in New Mexico. For once, I got my harsh, honest answer. My slap in the face from a person I really cared about. And it felt great.
She told me to accept (not "realize" because I should have known this all along already) that "I was a stupid girl, put herself in this stupid mess, so get up and move on."
Wow. I was a "stupid girl." So simple, and yet so true. It felt good not to hear "everyone makes mistakes," or "it's not your fault," or the one that hurt the most "it's his loss." I was an idiot. A moron. I did it all to myself. I dragged it out, and there's no one to blame but myself. Everyone saw that I kept sinking, and I just let myself drown in a pool with no lifeguard on duty.
Thank you, my friend in NM. I love your harsh, blunt words that brought me back to reality.
Since when did I turn into such a masochist? Oh, I know. It's those damn vampire books. I told you I was changing up my schedule tonight, but it's only for tonight. No books tonight, I promise, and if I'm really wanting to live on the edge, no books this weekend. But really - "Twilight." Trust me. Go read it.
People leaving all around me. Everyone is constantly moving. What am I doing? I go to work, come home, and bury myself behind pages and pages of fantasy. Fantasy that I'm confusing for the real world. Even the characters in the pages of my books are moving. Why do I feel I'm the only one here? I'm moving at a constant rate of zero.
Anyway, I'm changing up my routine a bit tonight. I got tickets to see a muscial at the theatre. The only tough part is, I need to find someone to actually go with. I normally wouldn't mind going alone, but this was our theatre. Mine and his. This was something we always did together. I miss that. This is what I meant when I told a friend of mine the other day that one of the biggest reasons why I miss him is because I don't have him to call up anymore to say, "Hey, let's go do something" on a last-minute whim. Now, I have to search for someone and convince them to share my company with.
I keep hearing various aphorisms from different people like "it'll get better soon," and "time heals all wounds," and my personal favorite "everything happens for a reason." I don't care. I'm hurting now, and these "encouraging" words don't make me feel any better. Usually when people are about to bestow this wisdom to me, they start off by saying, "I know you don't want to hear this, but..." Then don't say it!!! Don't say it because I don't want to hear it.
Finally today, I get an email from a girlfriend of mine in New Mexico. For once, I got my harsh, honest answer. My slap in the face from a person I really cared about. And it felt great.
She told me to accept (not "realize" because I should have known this all along already) that "I was a stupid girl, put herself in this stupid mess, so get up and move on."
Wow. I was a "stupid girl." So simple, and yet so true. It felt good not to hear "everyone makes mistakes," or "it's not your fault," or the one that hurt the most "it's his loss." I was an idiot. A moron. I did it all to myself. I dragged it out, and there's no one to blame but myself. Everyone saw that I kept sinking, and I just let myself drown in a pool with no lifeguard on duty.
Thank you, my friend in NM. I love your harsh, blunt words that brought me back to reality.
Since when did I turn into such a masochist? Oh, I know. It's those damn vampire books. I told you I was changing up my schedule tonight, but it's only for tonight. No books tonight, I promise, and if I'm really wanting to live on the edge, no books this weekend. But really - "Twilight." Trust me. Go read it.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
she's gotta ticket to ride
Actually, she doesn't. For the past couple weeks, I've been scrounging for tickets to all kinds of events. ACL, New York, Las Vegas, New Kids on the Block, movies... it's never-ending! You need a ticket for everything!
People who buy tickets are wanting to go somewhere, most of the time, for enjoyment. To escape the mundane routine of their everyday lives for just a temporary moment. And since I'm buying tickets left and right, I wonder if there's something I'm subconsciously trying to avoid. This is highly possible.
I just bought tickets to go see Justin Nozuka, Marie Digby, and Eric Hutchinson. Anyone down?
People who buy tickets are wanting to go somewhere, most of the time, for enjoyment. To escape the mundane routine of their everyday lives for just a temporary moment. And since I'm buying tickets left and right, I wonder if there's something I'm subconsciously trying to avoid. This is highly possible.
I just bought tickets to go see Justin Nozuka, Marie Digby, and Eric Hutchinson. Anyone down?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
SATC - the movie
After years of patiently waiting, I (and many many other crazy devotees of Sex and the City) had finally witnessed the greatness of this movie this past weekend. Personally, I wasn't too thrilled with the series finale, so I desperately hoped the movie would give me complete closure in my relationships with Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and of course, Samantha because as they've grown together in their relationships, so have I with them. I've become immersed into (or obsessed with) their lives as I sat in my room alone laughing with them, crying with them, and loving with them - admiring their impeccable taste in couture and living vicariously through their Manolo Blahniks and successful lives.
I cried three times during the span of this movie. Tears of joy and sorrow. I whole-heartedly love these fictional characters as if they were my own flesh and blood. It was so emotionally fulfilling, and it made me think of my own girlfriends. I really miss them, and I wish I wasn't the only one still in Austin. In the big apple, they don't have to worry about ridiculous, sky-rocketing gas prices and driving by themselves from one city to another every weekend. I'm not a famous writer who gets to buy $300 pillows and pose in Vogue wearing trendy designer clothing while looking fabulous in it. Yet.
Sigh. So anyway, go watch the movie. I haven't heard any bad reviews on it from anyone (or any guy). It's worth it, and if you need someone to go with, call me up. You bring the popcorn. I'll bring the tissues.
I cried three times during the span of this movie. Tears of joy and sorrow. I whole-heartedly love these fictional characters as if they were my own flesh and blood. It was so emotionally fulfilling, and it made me think of my own girlfriends. I really miss them, and I wish I wasn't the only one still in Austin. In the big apple, they don't have to worry about ridiculous, sky-rocketing gas prices and driving by themselves from one city to another every weekend. I'm not a famous writer who gets to buy $300 pillows and pose in Vogue wearing trendy designer clothing while looking fabulous in it. Yet.
Sigh. So anyway, go watch the movie. I haven't heard any bad reviews on it from anyone (or any guy). It's worth it, and if you need someone to go with, call me up. You bring the popcorn. I'll bring the tissues.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
stranger
I remember rolling over in bed and bumping into his back
Listening to him breathe and feeling him twitch as he fell asleep
I remember watching him smile and seeing him get ready for work
Observing his routine and noting the way he dressed himself
I remember coming home and rushing into his arms
Basking in his scent and squeezing him tightly around his waist
I remember rushing towards him and jumping on his back
Running away from a scary thought and holding onto him for comfort
I remember combing my nails through his hair and rubbing his scalp
Scratching away worries and resting my head on his chest
I remember walking - fingers intertwined - through parks and swimming in pools
Flying through air and floating in clouds
I remember losing my breath and feeling my heart stop beating
Shaking from nervousness and stumbling for the right words
I remember the Met, the Guggenheim, the Getty, the Menil
I remember every line on his face
Every angle of his body
Every strand of black hair
Every soft, chilling touch
Every wrinkled smile
Every infectious laugh
Someone please help me forget.
Listening to him breathe and feeling him twitch as he fell asleep
I remember watching him smile and seeing him get ready for work
Observing his routine and noting the way he dressed himself
I remember coming home and rushing into his arms
Basking in his scent and squeezing him tightly around his waist
I remember rushing towards him and jumping on his back
Running away from a scary thought and holding onto him for comfort
I remember combing my nails through his hair and rubbing his scalp
Scratching away worries and resting my head on his chest
I remember walking - fingers intertwined - through parks and swimming in pools
Flying through air and floating in clouds
I remember losing my breath and feeling my heart stop beating
Shaking from nervousness and stumbling for the right words
I remember the Met, the Guggenheim, the Getty, the Menil
I remember every line on his face
Every angle of his body
Every strand of black hair
Every soft, chilling touch
Every wrinkled smile
Every infectious laugh
Someone please help me forget.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
just to get the record straight
My girlfriend and I have gotten into heated arguments over this game for the past few weeks now. In fact, our friendship has been threatened a couple times over it, and I wouldn't be surprised if this happens to be the cause of our downfall.
For anyone who's attended elementary school even for a day, it is and always has been "rock, paper, scissors." Furthermore, there is no counting involved. You don't play "rock, paper, scissors" and then count "1, 2, 3" before choosing your weapon. That's like playing Scrabble with Monopoly pieces! It's nuts, I tell you! But then again, I forgot who I was speaking to. =P
For anyone who's attended elementary school even for a day, it is and always has been "rock, paper, scissors." Furthermore, there is no counting involved. You don't play "rock, paper, scissors" and then count "1, 2, 3" before choosing your weapon. That's like playing Scrabble with Monopoly pieces! It's nuts, I tell you! But then again, I forgot who I was speaking to. =P
Monday, May 19, 2008
how to procrastinate from reality
In an attempt to self-improve this year, I forgot to mention to you that I've taken up various new hobbies. Yes, the once sheltered (and by "sheltered" I mean "never-going-out-into-the-sun-even-if-she-got-a-really-bad-rash-and-the-doctor-said-she-needed-more-UV-rays-because-her-life-depended-on-it" sheltered) girl is now the female version of Paul Bunyon.
You're looking at (or rather, reading about) the new outdoorsy me. I went camping a few weeks ago for the first time at Lake Somerville with my family. We did the whole tent thing, started a campfire, roasted smores, went fishing, sang songs... it was great. I had been telling my dad for the longest time now that we've done so many family vacations but none involving the great wilderness. Despite the fact that we were there for less than 24 hours (5pm on Saturday to 9am on Sunday - due to unforeseen weather circumstances), I was inspired. Oh, I caught a fish! My first time fishing, and I caught a fish. It was the most exciting thing I'd done in a long time. Standing on the peaceful lake was so relaxing, and when the fish caught onto my bait, I was reeling that baby in! The catfish was just a tiny little thing no longer than my forearm, so we let it go, but it was still a lot of fun. If you heard me cheering and yelling, you would've thought I won the lottery.
So, fishing - check. I went again this past weekend and caught nothing, but it was still really fun. Fishing is quckly climbing up my list of favorite things to do.
Let's see, what else have I been doing...
Ohh, I've taken up the guitar! That's coming along pretty well, too! I've gotten past the point where my fingers burn under warm water after playing for an hour. And the calluses are starting to go away, too. It's been really fun learning, and I've found myself mentally making notes of songs I hear on the radio that I want to try to play. I've gone back in time and have tried playing songs from the Beatles to Alanis Morissette. It's awesome. I love it
I've been cooking more Asian foods, too. I think I might have mentioned that. I bought an electric wok at the Williams-Sonoma outlet store, and this thing has completely changed my life. Well, my cooking life. It is the best thing ever. I've made all kinds of stir-frys and noodle dishes with it, and the food always comes out to have this smokey, charcoaled flavor to it that's restaurant-like. Delicious. It's no wonder I'm gaining so much weight.
Running has always been a favorite hobby of mine, so I've been taking that a bit more seriously as well. I ran a 10k not too long ago, and I hope to sign up for more, but with the weather getting hotter by the minute, I'm not sure how long I'll last running outside. This Texas heat is suffocating.
I took up crocheting too, but that is kind of an on-and-off project. I haven't practiced this regularly enough to really know what I'm doing. But, I've made scarves, hats, and little stuffed animals in the past. It's been pretty cool.
More recently, a girlfriend and I have started a private book club exclusively for only two members - us. Our current read: Eat Pray Love. If you happen to be reading that also or have already read it, let me know. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you. :)
Oh, and I brush and floss three times a day now. I have my own little teeth cleaning kit at work. It's become somewhat of a ritual. Right after the market closes at 3pm, I grab my bag of dental hygiene, proceed to the ladies' room, brush, floss, rinse and brush again. There's nothing like a clean minty mouth in the middle of the afternoon. People here think I'm nuts. I say they're not far from the truth.
You know, everyone says the best thing to do when you're sad is to keep busy. Do things to occupy your mind with. Invest your time and energy into something productive. But when I really think about it, I don't think that's quite the cure for depression because whenever you're done with everything, you've only prolonged the problem. It's still there, and at the end of the day, you come right back to it. So really, how do you get rid of it?
I can only hope that the answer is time. With time, people soon forget things. We don't forget being angry or sad, but we do forget how greatly impactful those feelings were at the time. The emotional pain is eased over time, and eventually, we relax and get over it. Of course, until it happens again.
I guess all this medication and all these activities and hobbies and everything is just a way to pass the time, but it doesn't speed up any sort of process. Instead of taking the straight road, it's just choosing a more scenic route. It makes the ride a little more pleasant. But either way, the destination is still the same.
Sometimes, I wonder if these new hobbies are a form of self-improvement or self-avoidance. Is there that much of a difference between the two if you really think about it? Either way, God knows I could use a little of both.
You're looking at (or rather, reading about) the new outdoorsy me. I went camping a few weeks ago for the first time at Lake Somerville with my family. We did the whole tent thing, started a campfire, roasted smores, went fishing, sang songs... it was great. I had been telling my dad for the longest time now that we've done so many family vacations but none involving the great wilderness. Despite the fact that we were there for less than 24 hours (5pm on Saturday to 9am on Sunday - due to unforeseen weather circumstances), I was inspired. Oh, I caught a fish! My first time fishing, and I caught a fish. It was the most exciting thing I'd done in a long time. Standing on the peaceful lake was so relaxing, and when the fish caught onto my bait, I was reeling that baby in! The catfish was just a tiny little thing no longer than my forearm, so we let it go, but it was still a lot of fun. If you heard me cheering and yelling, you would've thought I won the lottery.
So, fishing - check. I went again this past weekend and caught nothing, but it was still really fun. Fishing is quckly climbing up my list of favorite things to do.
Let's see, what else have I been doing...
Ohh, I've taken up the guitar! That's coming along pretty well, too! I've gotten past the point where my fingers burn under warm water after playing for an hour. And the calluses are starting to go away, too. It's been really fun learning, and I've found myself mentally making notes of songs I hear on the radio that I want to try to play. I've gone back in time and have tried playing songs from the Beatles to Alanis Morissette. It's awesome. I love it
I've been cooking more Asian foods, too. I think I might have mentioned that. I bought an electric wok at the Williams-Sonoma outlet store, and this thing has completely changed my life. Well, my cooking life. It is the best thing ever. I've made all kinds of stir-frys and noodle dishes with it, and the food always comes out to have this smokey, charcoaled flavor to it that's restaurant-like. Delicious. It's no wonder I'm gaining so much weight.
Running has always been a favorite hobby of mine, so I've been taking that a bit more seriously as well. I ran a 10k not too long ago, and I hope to sign up for more, but with the weather getting hotter by the minute, I'm not sure how long I'll last running outside. This Texas heat is suffocating.
I took up crocheting too, but that is kind of an on-and-off project. I haven't practiced this regularly enough to really know what I'm doing. But, I've made scarves, hats, and little stuffed animals in the past. It's been pretty cool.
More recently, a girlfriend and I have started a private book club exclusively for only two members - us. Our current read: Eat Pray Love. If you happen to be reading that also or have already read it, let me know. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you. :)
Oh, and I brush and floss three times a day now. I have my own little teeth cleaning kit at work. It's become somewhat of a ritual. Right after the market closes at 3pm, I grab my bag of dental hygiene, proceed to the ladies' room, brush, floss, rinse and brush again. There's nothing like a clean minty mouth in the middle of the afternoon. People here think I'm nuts. I say they're not far from the truth.
You know, everyone says the best thing to do when you're sad is to keep busy. Do things to occupy your mind with. Invest your time and energy into something productive. But when I really think about it, I don't think that's quite the cure for depression because whenever you're done with everything, you've only prolonged the problem. It's still there, and at the end of the day, you come right back to it. So really, how do you get rid of it?
I can only hope that the answer is time. With time, people soon forget things. We don't forget being angry or sad, but we do forget how greatly impactful those feelings were at the time. The emotional pain is eased over time, and eventually, we relax and get over it. Of course, until it happens again.
I guess all this medication and all these activities and hobbies and everything is just a way to pass the time, but it doesn't speed up any sort of process. Instead of taking the straight road, it's just choosing a more scenic route. It makes the ride a little more pleasant. But either way, the destination is still the same.
Sometimes, I wonder if these new hobbies are a form of self-improvement or self-avoidance. Is there that much of a difference between the two if you really think about it? Either way, God knows I could use a little of both.
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