hello, lonely and stupid world. meet janice.

Sigh. My friend left today. I know, I know. I dug my own grave on this one. Stupid me. To encourage her to pursue her dreams when I could've kept her selfishly here to myself. Haha. It's strange because we live in different cities already, but I guess the mentality of her being in a different state on the other side of the country makes me feel... lonely. At least before, we could've hopped into our cars spontaneously on a Saturday morning, driven two hours, and spent the entire weekend together laying out by the pool, drinking wine, and getting facials. But now, I'll have to wait another year. I think maybe my biggest fear is growing distant from her, not only in the literal sense but, in terms of our communication. We've lost touch before, and I'll use my santeria to curse the world before I let that happen again. We've come too far and yet too close to lose this friendship again. It's just change. And letting go. Both items of which I am no connoisseur by any means. Anyway, I guess it'll all be fine. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder," right? Geez... I'm so tired of adages.

People leaving all around me. Everyone is constantly moving. What am I doing? I go to work, come home, and bury myself behind pages and pages of fantasy. Fantasy that I'm confusing for the real world. Even the characters in the pages of my books are moving. Why do I feel I'm the only one here? I'm moving at a constant rate of zero.

Anyway, I'm changing up my routine a bit tonight. I got tickets to see a muscial at the theatre. The only tough part is, I need to find someone to actually go with. I normally wouldn't mind going alone, but this was our theatre. Mine and his. This was something we always did together. I miss that. This is what I meant when I told a friend of mine the other day that one of the biggest reasons why I miss him is because I don't have him to call up anymore to say, "Hey, let's go do something" on a last-minute whim. Now, I have to search for someone and convince them to share my company with.

I keep hearing various aphorisms from different people like "it'll get better soon," and "time heals all wounds," and my personal favorite "everything happens for a reason." I don't care. I'm hurting now, and these "encouraging" words don't make me feel any better. Usually when people are about to bestow this wisdom to me, they start off by saying, "I know you don't want to hear this, but..." Then don't say it!!! Don't say it because I don't want to hear it.

Finally today, I get an email from a girlfriend of mine in New Mexico. For once, I got my harsh, honest answer. My slap in the face from a person I really cared about. And it felt great.

She told me to accept (not "realize" because I should have known this all along already) that "I was a stupid girl, put herself in this stupid mess, so get up and move on."

Wow. I was a "stupid girl." So simple, and yet so true. It felt good not to hear "everyone makes mistakes," or "it's not your fault," or the one that hurt the most "it's his loss." I was an idiot. A moron. I did it all to myself. I dragged it out, and there's no one to blame but myself. Everyone saw that I kept sinking, and I just let myself drown in a pool with no lifeguard on duty.

Thank you, my friend in NM. I love your harsh, blunt words that brought me back to reality.

Since when did I turn into such a masochist? Oh, I know. It's those damn vampire books. I told you I was changing up my schedule tonight, but it's only for tonight. No books tonight, I promise, and if I'm really wanting to live on the edge, no books this weekend. But really - "Twilight." Trust me. Go read it.