premonitions

Everyone's dreamt of being a superhero with super powers at least once in their lives, right? No? Whenever I spoke before of confusing fiction with reality, it's happening again. Sometimes, I feel like I can predict the future. I mean, really. It's not like I can summon the future into my head. Otherwise, I'd put that trait to good use. And by good use, I don't mean saving the world from destruction (12-21-12). I'm thinking more on the lines of Vegas. It's not that I can read palms or touch someone's head and get a vision. No, no, no. Not anything like that at all. It comes and goes. Every once in a while, I would get a strong feeling or a vivid image of someone or something. And sure enough, I would see it in real life not too long afterwards. Call it a coincidence, but all my life, I've felt that it was something more. It's happened far too many times. I've never believed in fortune tellers, but maybe there really are people with certain... gifts.

Last Thursday, I wrote about going to the musical. I said I didn't want to go alone because it would remind me of him. I wrote that in the morning, and all day, I kept getting vivid images of him in my head. It was as if he was really here with me. Like he was still a presence in my life. A ghost, if you will. And I tried very hard to shake those thoughts away from my head. I went to Whole Foods to meet with Lynn, and as I waited, I was so sure I saw him on the other side of the store. It was like in the movies where the main character sees someone he/she knows across the street, and then they look over again, and it's someone else. I thought it was him when I looked over, but it wasn't. I thought I was going crazy. I hadn't thought about him as much as I used to in a long time. I've trained myself to force him out of memory whenever I'm reminded of him. I'm getting better at it, but that day last Thursday, it was like I couldn't escape him. Someone up there was telling me something was about to happen.

And then it did.

As we were leaving, I was on my phone texting (haha.. yes, I'm a conformist, and I text now) when Lynn grabbed my arm to stop me. I thought I was about to run into something, and as I looked up, he brushed right by me. It all happened so fast. He didn't look at me, so for a split second, I thought he didn't see me. At least, I hoped he didn't. Not because I wanted to avoid him, but because I'd rather him not see me than admit to myself that *gulp* he did see me and still turned away without saying a word.

I froze.

I played the event over and over in my head at lightning speed. In the course of 5 seconds, I saw my ghost float through me and decided to go back to see for myself if he'd seen me. Of course, he had. How could he not have? In any case, I had to make sure.

We turned around to go back to him. I knew it. I just knew in the pit of my stomach that I would see him today. Of course. I should've been more prepared. My heart pounded louder and louder with each hesitant step. I should've known what to say. As I saw him standing there in line, his back turned to us, waiting to order his food, I called out his name to grab his attention, and either he ignored me or he didn't hear me. Again, I decided to go with the less hurtful possibility.

When Lynn got his attention, he turned around and barely made eye contact with me. He hardly said a word, and I started to worry if he had lost his voice. All I could manage to say to him was, "So, what are you doing here?" Ha. That'll show him!

After a minute of awkard gestures and exchanged conversations... well.. more so grunts than conversations... Lynn and I said goodbye and walked away.

She was worried about how I felt. She had every right to worry. I was a bit shaken. But surprisingly, it didn't last that long. I was sad, yes. That I knew was coming. But what I didn't expect was a feeling of... peace.

I was selfless for once. I was happy to see him happy. He wasn't happy to see me, but I could tell that he was content. Probably with the new girl in his life. And probably because things are going better with his job. Hopefully with his family, too. I was glad to see that he's moved along without me just fine. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't angry at him for being happy without me. I didn't question how he could do it or why. I mean, I've always wanted him to be happy. More than anything in the world. I would have exchanged my life for everything he's ever wanted. I love him too much to see him hurt. So finally, I accepted that this was a good thing. Finally. Yes, the breakup... was a good thing. As long as I know he is happy, then all the struggle, all the pain, all the hurt that I've endured would have been worth it. And I suppose now, I can say that it has.

"If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else perished and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it."

How did Emily Bronte know exactly what to say?

Maybe she had premonitions, too. Of my life. Maybe it's fate. Or maybe that's the logic behind all hopeless romantics. Whatever it is, it's all too much to merely be a coincidence. I think Lammy's right. I think it's time to write.