how to procrastinate from reality

In an attempt to self-improve this year, I forgot to mention to you that I've taken up various new hobbies. Yes, the once sheltered (and by "sheltered" I mean "never-going-out-into-the-sun-even-if-she-got-a-really-bad-rash-and-the-doctor-said-she-needed-more-UV-rays-because-her-life-depended-on-it" sheltered) girl is now the female version of Paul Bunyon.

You're looking at (or rather, reading about) the new outdoorsy me. I went camping a few weeks ago for the first time at Lake Somerville with my family. We did the whole tent thing, started a campfire, roasted smores, went fishing, sang songs... it was great. I had been telling my dad for the longest time now that we've done so many family vacations but none involving the great wilderness. Despite the fact that we were there for less than 24 hours (5pm on Saturday to 9am on Sunday - due to unforeseen weather circumstances), I was inspired. Oh, I caught a fish! My first time fishing, and I caught a fish. It was the most exciting thing I'd done in a long time. Standing on the peaceful lake was so relaxing, and when the fish caught onto my bait, I was reeling that baby in! The catfish was just a tiny little thing no longer than my forearm, so we let it go, but it was still a lot of fun. If you heard me cheering and yelling, you would've thought I won the lottery.

So, fishing - check. I went again this past weekend and caught nothing, but it was still really fun. Fishing is quckly climbing up my list of favorite things to do.

Let's see, what else have I been doing...

Ohh, I've taken up the guitar! That's coming along pretty well, too! I've gotten past the point where my fingers burn under warm water after playing for an hour. And the calluses are starting to go away, too. It's been really fun learning, and I've found myself mentally making notes of songs I hear on the radio that I want to try to play. I've gone back in time and have tried playing songs from the Beatles to Alanis Morissette. It's awesome. I love it

I've been cooking more Asian foods, too. I think I might have mentioned that. I bought an electric wok at the Williams-Sonoma outlet store, and this thing has completely changed my life. Well, my cooking life. It is the best thing ever. I've made all kinds of stir-frys and noodle dishes with it, and the food always comes out to have this smokey, charcoaled flavor to it that's restaurant-like. Delicious. It's no wonder I'm gaining so much weight.

Running has always been a favorite hobby of mine, so I've been taking that a bit more seriously as well. I ran a 10k not too long ago, and I hope to sign up for more, but with the weather getting hotter by the minute, I'm not sure how long I'll last running outside. This Texas heat is suffocating.

I took up crocheting too, but that is kind of an on-and-off project. I haven't practiced this regularly enough to really know what I'm doing. But, I've made scarves, hats, and little stuffed animals in the past. It's been pretty cool.

More recently, a girlfriend and I have started a private book club exclusively for only two members - us. Our current read: Eat Pray Love. If you happen to be reading that also or have already read it, let me know. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you. :)

Oh, and I brush and floss three times a day now. I have my own little teeth cleaning kit at work. It's become somewhat of a ritual. Right after the market closes at 3pm, I grab my bag of dental hygiene, proceed to the ladies' room, brush, floss, rinse and brush again. There's nothing like a clean minty mouth in the middle of the afternoon. People here think I'm nuts. I say they're not far from the truth.

You know, everyone says the best thing to do when you're sad is to keep busy. Do things to occupy your mind with. Invest your time and energy into something productive. But when I really think about it, I don't think that's quite the cure for depression because whenever you're done with everything, you've only prolonged the problem. It's still there, and at the end of the day, you come right back to it. So really, how do you get rid of it?

I can only hope that the answer is time. With time, people soon forget things. We don't forget being angry or sad, but we do forget how greatly impactful those feelings were at the time. The emotional pain is eased over time, and eventually, we relax and get over it. Of course, until it happens again.

I guess all this medication and all these activities and hobbies and everything is just a way to pass the time, but it doesn't speed up any sort of process. Instead of taking the straight road, it's just choosing a more scenic route. It makes the ride a little more pleasant. But either way, the destination is still the same.

Sometimes, I wonder if these new hobbies are a form of self-improvement or self-avoidance. Is there that much of a difference between the two if you really think about it? Either way, God knows I could use a little of both.

to all my ladies: a friday vent

You know what really pisses me off? Great girls. No, let me rephrase that. What pisses me off is great girls who think less of themselves because of stupid, effing guys.

I challenge you to go up to any guy and ask them what they look for in a girl. Any guy, single or not! Whether he be a doctor or a bum living at home, it doesn't matter. They're all undercover jerks anyway. So ask any guy this question, and I guarantee you his answer will not falter far from, "Smart, pretty, funny, nice, and fun to be around." *puke* And trust me on this, guys will always list "smart" first in an attempt to seem less shallow than they really are.

I can't tell you how many nights I've spent talking to various girlfriends of mine about why he didn't call back or why he doesn't like her or why it's finally over. And yet, I can't tell you how many nights I've been guilty of thinking the same things. Over what? Over some dick's approval?

Let me tell you this: all my girlfriends, every single one of them, are freaking amazing. And it breaks my heart to know that there is always one guy out there that makes them think otherwise. ALL my girlfriends are "smart, pretty, funny, nice, and extremely fun to be around." Not only that, but they have so much love to give, and they would dedicate their world to the right guy. These are quality women who have their heads on straight and their lives on track. Women who can support themselves and are ready to commit to a serious relationship. Women who know exactly what they want. Well, for the most part. So what's the problem? Where are these guys that claim to be attracted to these qualities? Oh, that's right... they're at bars getting wasted and hitting on nineteen year old girls who put out easily and probably have no effing idea what a bank statement looks like. So much for quality.

At this point, I don't even care anymore. It's pointless to care because they don't care about you. Whenever you need them, they're not there, but whenever they need you, heaven forbid you don't answer your phone!

And yet, so many tears have been wasted on these guys. Bastards. So much time and energy and sleep and phone minutes and text messages and dollars of therapy and medication and thinking and thinking and THINKING. It can drive a girl nuts. Literally.

I know more than enough guys who have wronged their girlfriends in more ways than one, broken up with them, and then continue to hang on to them. That's the messed up part. It's when they decide to hang onto us girls. And the sad thing is? We let them. We allow them to pull us back and forth into this sort of "relationship." Limbo is the worst place to be: not really in a relationship but not really out of one either. Maybe it's the companionship we're seeking? Maybe it's the comfort in knowing someone, no matter how much of a moron he is, still loves us? Confusing? Yes, trust me, it is to me, too.

The problem, I think, is that we build these guys up in our minds into this symbol of perfection and put them up on a tall pedestal to woship. And despite their flaws that we're so easily able to overlook (it must be a genetic trait), how do we only focus on their "good" side in what little amount of time we've known them? This could be a great attribute or, more likely, our Achilles' heel. You decide.

Okay, I'm jumping all over the place. It happens when I get upset. A flood of ideas and words flow through my head, and my fingers can't type fast enough to keep up.

Basically, at this moment, this is what I'm trying to say:

Girls - Stop feeling sorry for yourselves. I know it's tough when you discover that the guy you've been obsessing over doesn't like you back. I know you beat yourself up about where you went wrong or what you could've done differently. And I know you're secretly hoping that he'll realize tomorrow that he lost something really special, which I know he did. BUT, even if he does have an epiphany outside of the one that's usually just in his pants every night, don't let him get by so easily because on those nights you tossed and turned going crazy over him, where was he then? Try to remember that. On those days you waited by your phone for one call or text message, do you think he did the same for you? Think of all the empty "I love you"s and "always and forever"s. Think of the broken promises. We deserve better. We deserve the world. And we deserve to receive every bit of love that we give in return. And more. Think about the people who really care about you: your family, your close friends. Focus on your own life: your job, your career, your education. Improve yourself by trying new things: take up a new hobby, read a book, travel. My dear girlfriends, you each have so much going for you and so much to offer that, as cliche as this sounds, any guy would be crazy not to love you. Don't worry, I'm in the process of practicing saying this to myself in the mirror. I know it's not easy, but this much I know is true: I'm here for you. Always and forever. And you know as well as I do, that my promise has never wavered.

And boys - Fuck off. Assholes.

Cinco de Na-yo weekend coming up!

I celebrate Cinco de Mayo every year because it's my cousin Sourina's birthday. She is pretty good at making slogans to help people remember. Cinco de Sourina... Cinco de Na-yo... Sourina de Mayo. Heheh funny.

Anyway, so we're celebrating this weekend, and I have an old high school friend coming into town to play with us. Sour remembers him, too, and so I'm looking very forward to Saturday.

It got me thinking of the last time I saw him. She said it was four years ago, but I'm thinking it's been much longer than that. Hmm, I'm not sure. In any case, it's amazing how time flies with just a blink of an eye. It seems like just last week that I was still in high school. I've been really missing those days. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo at this stage in my life. The people I hang out with on a daily basis are my coworker friends who are all either married or in serious relationships. They're all financially stable and seem to already have their lives on track. They're buying homes in Austin! I'm definitely nowhere near that stage. On the other hand, because I'm still in Austin, I keep bumping into friends who are still in college, and recently, I've been talking a lot with old high school friends. It makes me miss those days, and I've been getting really nostalgic lately. I miss the past, but I feel like the future is still too far to grasp. I'm stuck in the middle, and sometimes, I don't know where to go.

It's tough being the only single one in the coworker group. Not to mention youngest. I feel like I've gotten a lot done at this point, but not nearly as much as I would've liked. There's still a lot of time, I know, but where do I start? Being with these people should be encouraging, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I'm never going to get there.

Alright, rambling done.

yay!

It was a good weekend. :)

Happy Laotian New Year!

So, I got my car towed for the first time this week. AAHH!! How scary! I've really taken for granted the comforting feeling of seeing my car the next morning exactly where I left it the night before. Yikes. Long story short: I got back from a wedding Sunday night at 3am and parked it in a reserved parking spot. There were no other spots in sight! None!!! I figured that if I just parked a few hours it'd be fine because I had to get up for work anyway. Well apparently, some asshole called the tow truck on me within those 3 hours, and I had to pay a handsome amount to get it out. Man, it's payback this weekend. I'm not one for revenge, but come on!!! Yes, technically, it's my fault. But I've had a carport before, and when someone parked in my spot, I never called them in! Especially when it had only been like 2-3 hours! Geez.. my apartment complex sucks. I did get it back, but I'm down a good $200 now. Sighh.. so crappy.

Anyway, this weekend is Laotian New Year! Woohooo!! I'm not going home for the yummy foods, but that can be a good thing. Since my American New Year didn't start out too great with me losing my phone and all, I'm hoping this one will be better.

I'm optimistic. I feel good. I think 2008 is a winner. Happy Pee Mai!!

remember when...

I was listening to the radio when that song "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown came on, and at the end of the song, there's a DJ that comes on and says this little segment before the song is over. I never realized that it was actually part of the song, and it puzzled me for the longest time because I'd hear it in Austin and then I'd hear it in Houston. Every time I would think, "Did I hear this same DJ in Austin/Houston?" I was so confused!!! Later, my cousin cleared it up for me.

So the song came on again this morning, and it made me think back to when I used to record songs from the radio onto cassette tapes. Remember that?!? EVERYONE used to do that! I'd just sit and wait near the radio until the song I wanted came on, and then I'd push the red little "record" button so that I could play it back and listen to it whenever I wanted. What I also remember is that I'd absolutely HATE it when DJs talked into the beginning of the song or when they interrupted the last part because I always wanted the entire song without all the talking! So then, I'd call into radio stations requesting a song and asking if the DJ would please let the whole song play in its entirety before coming back onto the radio. They'd always say, "Ok," and then they'd always cut into the song. It always made me so angry.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that and how funny it was that everyone used to record songs from the radio. Now, it's all about the downloading. The times have certainly changed.

On another note, I'm going to the dentist in about an hour. I haven't had a cleanup since 2006!! I've been busy! But, I'm looking forward to it today. My gums will probably be super sore afterwards, but it'll be good. Then, I'm getting my eyes checked this Saturday! Look at me taking care of myself.

I'm on a roll.

Like money...

Toilet paper is one of those things that's easily given away when you have a lot of it. The paper is so thin that the amount seems endless. But when you're down to the last centimeter on the roll, you start to wish you hadn't given so much. As the diameter decreases, your conscious effort to use each piece sparingly increases. You realize those last few squares could be crucial in the imminent time of need. The worst thing is to be left stranded on the john with no paper in reachable lengths. It's bad when you start going through kleenex boxes and paper towels. It's worse when you resort to pulling out pages in books and magazines. And finally, you know you're really desperate when you start tearing apart the cardboard cylinder of the empty roll into little pieces. Who knows the unimaginable lengths people may go to for any small scrap of wiping material?

Lesson learned. Keep a savings supply of readily available Charmin (or Angel Soft) for emergency use only. It's always comforting to know you're lavatorically secure.

allergy capital of the world

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I started the year off on the wrong foot. Not only was I sick, but I also lost my cell phone. On the bright side, it's a good excuse to upgrade. Time to get texting and enter into the 21st century.

At first, I thought it was a cold. It probably was. But then, my eyes started to get the familiar burning and irritating sensation I experience every year around this time. Damn you, cedar!

Aside from mother nature, I think I'm allergic to topical oils like massage and baby oils. My skin tends to break out in scary hives the size of golf balls! Other than that, I'm as healthy as a horse, I think.

It's strange the symptoms I get from allergies. I hardly get sick, but when I do, it's pretty awful. And when it comes to allergies, game over. I stand no chance. I just have to stick it out through allergy season all by my lonesome. Well, just me and my various antihistamines. Yay drugs! Some of my side effects are sleep deprivation, puffy red eyes, and loss of appetite.

Hmmm. HA! Strangely, these seem to be the same side effects as my break ups! Interesting. Seriously, though! How funny is that?! Hopefully, like cedar fever, it's only seasonal. I feel as if I can't get anything done in this condition. Once the air clears up and the headaches stop, everything should fall back into place. Can it be possible that I'm allergic to boys, too? If this is so, then that explains a LOT!

Hahaha oh dear. One can only hope.

is there really a santa?

For some reason, every time this time of year, I seem to notice an unusual number of plump, old men with white beards and spectacles walking around everywhere. Is it psychosomatic?

I could almost bet my life that at least once every Christmas, someone jokingly leans over, nudges me on the side, points, and then whispers, "Look, it's Santa." I kid you not! How many times have you been asked that? I bet more than once! One time too many for me. Too often to where I wonder if it's pure coincidence.

Maybe it's the whole mindset of Christmas. Or maybe old geezers purposely dress themselves up like that for kicks. Or maybe it's the inner child in me hoping that Santa is real. Or maybe... just maybe... it's really him! Hahaha naaahhh... I'm just kidding. Sort of.

Still, it'd be nice to think there's someone who goes around the world bringing gifts to everyone. If that were real, I think this world would really be a better place. What better motivation is there to behave than a brand new toy, whether it be a new Cinderella dress-up doll or the latest Gucci hand bag?

Anyway, I saw my ordinary Santa impersonator yesterday at the mall. Nowadays, I almost feel as if my Christmases wouldn't be complete unless I saw one. My sister said it first, "Guess who that guy looks like." Suddenly, I felt at ease, and I smiled wondering how many children turned their heads for a second glance at him that day.

As he walked by, instead of the scent of peppermints and cinnamon, he smelt of old cheese and salty pretzels. And, if I'm not mistaken, his jolly laugh was replaced with a grunt. But sure enough, he had the infamous look. What he was doing waddling down the mall wearing blue jeans and carrying a Victoria's Secret bag, I'll never know.

Maybe the elves are on strike.

as the holidays approach

"Christmases When You Were Mine"

I never fail to enjoy looking at all the lights and decorations people hang up. I like standing in the middle of my neighborhood street late at night when no cars are out looking down the road at all the houses brightly decorated. The peaceful winter night mixed with the twinkling lights are comforting. Something about the mixture of both touches a nostalgic part of my heart. It's like revisiting my childhood and all the happy times I've ever experienced.

I love Christmas. My apartment is starting to look more festive. While I was putting up the lights this year, I noticed one less pair of hands. The garland is wrapped around my ceiling, and the mistletoe is placed over my doorway. The wreath hangs above the fireplace where the stockings are placed. And then there's the tree.

I brought down my box of Christmas decor and blew the dust off from the top. Inside were various red and gold ornaments. Just the typical kinds, nothing special. Underneath that layer were the ornaments that carried more sentimental value. Each was carefully wrapped in paper for extra protection.

As I unraveled each one, I thought of the time he and I went shopping for ornaments. I got so frustrated when he picked out silly-looking ones because they didn't go with our red and gold tree at all. But seeing his face light up after discovering a new ornament warmed my heart, and I couldn't refuse him. Then, I came across a series of penguin ornaments he surprised me with when I came home from work one night. He knew my adoration for them and filled my apartment with penguin-related decor. I remember turning off all the lights of our place except for our tree and just staring at it together hand in hand.

I'm thankful I got to experience this kind of happiness and tranquility with someone even if it's just once in my lifetime. I hope that you have also. And if you haven't, I hope you will soon.