Wednesday, May 21, 2008
stranger
I remember rolling over in bed and bumping into his back
Listening to him breathe and feeling him twitch as he fell asleep
I remember watching him smile and seeing him get ready for work
Observing his routine and noting the way he dressed himself
I remember coming home and rushing into his arms
Basking in his scent and squeezing him tightly around his waist
I remember rushing towards him and jumping on his back
Running away from a scary thought and holding onto him for comfort
I remember combing my nails through his hair and rubbing his scalp
Scratching away worries and resting my head on his chest
I remember walking - fingers intertwined - through parks and swimming in pools
Flying through air and floating in clouds
I remember losing my breath and feeling my heart stop beating
Shaking from nervousness and stumbling for the right words
I remember the Met, the Guggenheim, the Getty, the Menil
I remember every line on his face
Every angle of his body
Every strand of black hair
Every soft, chilling touch
Every wrinkled smile
Every infectious laugh
Someone please help me forget.
Listening to him breathe and feeling him twitch as he fell asleep
I remember watching him smile and seeing him get ready for work
Observing his routine and noting the way he dressed himself
I remember coming home and rushing into his arms
Basking in his scent and squeezing him tightly around his waist
I remember rushing towards him and jumping on his back
Running away from a scary thought and holding onto him for comfort
I remember combing my nails through his hair and rubbing his scalp
Scratching away worries and resting my head on his chest
I remember walking - fingers intertwined - through parks and swimming in pools
Flying through air and floating in clouds
I remember losing my breath and feeling my heart stop beating
Shaking from nervousness and stumbling for the right words
I remember the Met, the Guggenheim, the Getty, the Menil
I remember every line on his face
Every angle of his body
Every strand of black hair
Every soft, chilling touch
Every wrinkled smile
Every infectious laugh
Someone please help me forget.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
just to get the record straight
My girlfriend and I have gotten into heated arguments over this game for the past few weeks now. In fact, our friendship has been threatened a couple times over it, and I wouldn't be surprised if this happens to be the cause of our downfall.
For anyone who's attended elementary school even for a day, it is and always has been "rock, paper, scissors." Furthermore, there is no counting involved. You don't play "rock, paper, scissors" and then count "1, 2, 3" before choosing your weapon. That's like playing Scrabble with Monopoly pieces! It's nuts, I tell you! But then again, I forgot who I was speaking to. =P
For anyone who's attended elementary school even for a day, it is and always has been "rock, paper, scissors." Furthermore, there is no counting involved. You don't play "rock, paper, scissors" and then count "1, 2, 3" before choosing your weapon. That's like playing Scrabble with Monopoly pieces! It's nuts, I tell you! But then again, I forgot who I was speaking to. =P
Monday, May 19, 2008
how to procrastinate from reality
In an attempt to self-improve this year, I forgot to mention to you that I've taken up various new hobbies. Yes, the once sheltered (and by "sheltered" I mean "never-going-out-into-the-sun-even-if-she-got-a-really-bad-rash-and-the-doctor-said-she-needed-more-UV-rays-because-her-life-depended-on-it" sheltered) girl is now the female version of Paul Bunyon.
You're looking at (or rather, reading about) the new outdoorsy me. I went camping a few weeks ago for the first time at Lake Somerville with my family. We did the whole tent thing, started a campfire, roasted smores, went fishing, sang songs... it was great. I had been telling my dad for the longest time now that we've done so many family vacations but none involving the great wilderness. Despite the fact that we were there for less than 24 hours (5pm on Saturday to 9am on Sunday - due to unforeseen weather circumstances), I was inspired. Oh, I caught a fish! My first time fishing, and I caught a fish. It was the most exciting thing I'd done in a long time. Standing on the peaceful lake was so relaxing, and when the fish caught onto my bait, I was reeling that baby in! The catfish was just a tiny little thing no longer than my forearm, so we let it go, but it was still a lot of fun. If you heard me cheering and yelling, you would've thought I won the lottery.
So, fishing - check. I went again this past weekend and caught nothing, but it was still really fun. Fishing is quckly climbing up my list of favorite things to do.
Let's see, what else have I been doing...
Ohh, I've taken up the guitar! That's coming along pretty well, too! I've gotten past the point where my fingers burn under warm water after playing for an hour. And the calluses are starting to go away, too. It's been really fun learning, and I've found myself mentally making notes of songs I hear on the radio that I want to try to play. I've gone back in time and have tried playing songs from the Beatles to Alanis Morissette. It's awesome. I love it
I've been cooking more Asian foods, too. I think I might have mentioned that. I bought an electric wok at the Williams-Sonoma outlet store, and this thing has completely changed my life. Well, my cooking life. It is the best thing ever. I've made all kinds of stir-frys and noodle dishes with it, and the food always comes out to have this smokey, charcoaled flavor to it that's restaurant-like. Delicious. It's no wonder I'm gaining so much weight.
Running has always been a favorite hobby of mine, so I've been taking that a bit more seriously as well. I ran a 10k not too long ago, and I hope to sign up for more, but with the weather getting hotter by the minute, I'm not sure how long I'll last running outside. This Texas heat is suffocating.
I took up crocheting too, but that is kind of an on-and-off project. I haven't practiced this regularly enough to really know what I'm doing. But, I've made scarves, hats, and little stuffed animals in the past. It's been pretty cool.
More recently, a girlfriend and I have started a private book club exclusively for only two members - us. Our current read: Eat Pray Love. If you happen to be reading that also or have already read it, let me know. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you. :)
Oh, and I brush and floss three times a day now. I have my own little teeth cleaning kit at work. It's become somewhat of a ritual. Right after the market closes at 3pm, I grab my bag of dental hygiene, proceed to the ladies' room, brush, floss, rinse and brush again. There's nothing like a clean minty mouth in the middle of the afternoon. People here think I'm nuts. I say they're not far from the truth.
You know, everyone says the best thing to do when you're sad is to keep busy. Do things to occupy your mind with. Invest your time and energy into something productive. But when I really think about it, I don't think that's quite the cure for depression because whenever you're done with everything, you've only prolonged the problem. It's still there, and at the end of the day, you come right back to it. So really, how do you get rid of it?
I can only hope that the answer is time. With time, people soon forget things. We don't forget being angry or sad, but we do forget how greatly impactful those feelings were at the time. The emotional pain is eased over time, and eventually, we relax and get over it. Of course, until it happens again.
I guess all this medication and all these activities and hobbies and everything is just a way to pass the time, but it doesn't speed up any sort of process. Instead of taking the straight road, it's just choosing a more scenic route. It makes the ride a little more pleasant. But either way, the destination is still the same.
Sometimes, I wonder if these new hobbies are a form of self-improvement or self-avoidance. Is there that much of a difference between the two if you really think about it? Either way, God knows I could use a little of both.
You're looking at (or rather, reading about) the new outdoorsy me. I went camping a few weeks ago for the first time at Lake Somerville with my family. We did the whole tent thing, started a campfire, roasted smores, went fishing, sang songs... it was great. I had been telling my dad for the longest time now that we've done so many family vacations but none involving the great wilderness. Despite the fact that we were there for less than 24 hours (5pm on Saturday to 9am on Sunday - due to unforeseen weather circumstances), I was inspired. Oh, I caught a fish! My first time fishing, and I caught a fish. It was the most exciting thing I'd done in a long time. Standing on the peaceful lake was so relaxing, and when the fish caught onto my bait, I was reeling that baby in! The catfish was just a tiny little thing no longer than my forearm, so we let it go, but it was still a lot of fun. If you heard me cheering and yelling, you would've thought I won the lottery.
So, fishing - check. I went again this past weekend and caught nothing, but it was still really fun. Fishing is quckly climbing up my list of favorite things to do.
Let's see, what else have I been doing...
Ohh, I've taken up the guitar! That's coming along pretty well, too! I've gotten past the point where my fingers burn under warm water after playing for an hour. And the calluses are starting to go away, too. It's been really fun learning, and I've found myself mentally making notes of songs I hear on the radio that I want to try to play. I've gone back in time and have tried playing songs from the Beatles to Alanis Morissette. It's awesome. I love it
I've been cooking more Asian foods, too. I think I might have mentioned that. I bought an electric wok at the Williams-Sonoma outlet store, and this thing has completely changed my life. Well, my cooking life. It is the best thing ever. I've made all kinds of stir-frys and noodle dishes with it, and the food always comes out to have this smokey, charcoaled flavor to it that's restaurant-like. Delicious. It's no wonder I'm gaining so much weight.
Running has always been a favorite hobby of mine, so I've been taking that a bit more seriously as well. I ran a 10k not too long ago, and I hope to sign up for more, but with the weather getting hotter by the minute, I'm not sure how long I'll last running outside. This Texas heat is suffocating.
I took up crocheting too, but that is kind of an on-and-off project. I haven't practiced this regularly enough to really know what I'm doing. But, I've made scarves, hats, and little stuffed animals in the past. It's been pretty cool.
More recently, a girlfriend and I have started a private book club exclusively for only two members - us. Our current read: Eat Pray Love. If you happen to be reading that also or have already read it, let me know. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you. :)
Oh, and I brush and floss three times a day now. I have my own little teeth cleaning kit at work. It's become somewhat of a ritual. Right after the market closes at 3pm, I grab my bag of dental hygiene, proceed to the ladies' room, brush, floss, rinse and brush again. There's nothing like a clean minty mouth in the middle of the afternoon. People here think I'm nuts. I say they're not far from the truth.
You know, everyone says the best thing to do when you're sad is to keep busy. Do things to occupy your mind with. Invest your time and energy into something productive. But when I really think about it, I don't think that's quite the cure for depression because whenever you're done with everything, you've only prolonged the problem. It's still there, and at the end of the day, you come right back to it. So really, how do you get rid of it?
I can only hope that the answer is time. With time, people soon forget things. We don't forget being angry or sad, but we do forget how greatly impactful those feelings were at the time. The emotional pain is eased over time, and eventually, we relax and get over it. Of course, until it happens again.
I guess all this medication and all these activities and hobbies and everything is just a way to pass the time, but it doesn't speed up any sort of process. Instead of taking the straight road, it's just choosing a more scenic route. It makes the ride a little more pleasant. But either way, the destination is still the same.
Sometimes, I wonder if these new hobbies are a form of self-improvement or self-avoidance. Is there that much of a difference between the two if you really think about it? Either way, God knows I could use a little of both.
Friday, May 9, 2008
to all my ladies: a friday vent
You know what really pisses me off? Great girls. No, let me rephrase that. What pisses me off is great girls who think less of themselves because of stupid, effing guys.
I challenge you to go up to any guy and ask them what they look for in a girl. Any guy, single or not! Whether he be a doctor or a bum living at home, it doesn't matter. They're all undercover jerks anyway. So ask any guy this question, and I guarantee you his answer will not falter far from, "Smart, pretty, funny, nice, and fun to be around." *puke* And trust me on this, guys will always list "smart" first in an attempt to seem less shallow than they really are.
I can't tell you how many nights I've spent talking to various girlfriends of mine about why he didn't call back or why he doesn't like her or why it's finally over. And yet, I can't tell you how many nights I've been guilty of thinking the same things. Over what? Over some dick's approval?
Let me tell you this: all my girlfriends, every single one of them, are freaking amazing. And it breaks my heart to know that there is always one guy out there that makes them think otherwise. ALL my girlfriends are "smart, pretty, funny, nice, and extremely fun to be around." Not only that, but they have so much love to give, and they would dedicate their world to the right guy. These are quality women who have their heads on straight and their lives on track. Women who can support themselves and are ready to commit to a serious relationship. Women who know exactly what they want. Well, for the most part. So what's the problem? Where are these guys that claim to be attracted to these qualities? Oh, that's right... they're at bars getting wasted and hitting on nineteen year old girls who put out easily and probably have no effing idea what a bank statement looks like. So much for quality.
At this point, I don't even care anymore. It's pointless to care because they don't care about you. Whenever you need them, they're not there, but whenever they need you, heaven forbid you don't answer your phone!
And yet, so many tears have been wasted on these guys. Bastards. So much time and energy and sleep and phone minutes and text messages and dollars of therapy and medication and thinking and thinking and THINKING. It can drive a girl nuts. Literally.
I know more than enough guys who have wronged their girlfriends in more ways than one, broken up with them, and then continue to hang on to them. That's the messed up part. It's when they decide to hang onto us girls. And the sad thing is? We let them. We allow them to pull us back and forth into this sort of "relationship." Limbo is the worst place to be: not really in a relationship but not really out of one either. Maybe it's the companionship we're seeking? Maybe it's the comfort in knowing someone, no matter how much of a moron he is, still loves us? Confusing? Yes, trust me, it is to me, too.
The problem, I think, is that we build these guys up in our minds into this symbol of perfection and put them up on a tall pedestal to woship. And despite their flaws that we're so easily able to overlook (it must be a genetic trait), how do we only focus on their "good" side in what little amount of time we've known them? This could be a great attribute or, more likely, our Achilles' heel. You decide.
Okay, I'm jumping all over the place. It happens when I get upset. A flood of ideas and words flow through my head, and my fingers can't type fast enough to keep up.
Basically, at this moment, this is what I'm trying to say:
Girls - Stop feeling sorry for yourselves. I know it's tough when you discover that the guy you've been obsessing over doesn't like you back. I know you beat yourself up about where you went wrong or what you could've done differently. And I know you're secretly hoping that he'll realize tomorrow that he lost something really special, which I know he did. BUT, even if he does have an epiphany outside of the one that's usually just in his pants every night, don't let him get by so easily because on those nights you tossed and turned going crazy over him, where was he then? Try to remember that. On those days you waited by your phone for one call or text message, do you think he did the same for you? Think of all the empty "I love you"s and "always and forever"s. Think of the broken promises. We deserve better. We deserve the world. And we deserve to receive every bit of love that we give in return. And more. Think about the people who really care about you: your family, your close friends. Focus on your own life: your job, your career, your education. Improve yourself by trying new things: take up a new hobby, read a book, travel. My dear girlfriends, you each have so much going for you and so much to offer that, as cliche as this sounds, any guy would be crazy not to love you. Don't worry, I'm in the process of practicing saying this to myself in the mirror. I know it's not easy, but this much I know is true: I'm here for you. Always and forever. And you know as well as I do, that my promise has never wavered.
And boys - Fuck off. Assholes.
I challenge you to go up to any guy and ask them what they look for in a girl. Any guy, single or not! Whether he be a doctor or a bum living at home, it doesn't matter. They're all undercover jerks anyway. So ask any guy this question, and I guarantee you his answer will not falter far from, "Smart, pretty, funny, nice, and fun to be around." *puke* And trust me on this, guys will always list "smart" first in an attempt to seem less shallow than they really are.
I can't tell you how many nights I've spent talking to various girlfriends of mine about why he didn't call back or why he doesn't like her or why it's finally over. And yet, I can't tell you how many nights I've been guilty of thinking the same things. Over what? Over some dick's approval?
Let me tell you this: all my girlfriends, every single one of them, are freaking amazing. And it breaks my heart to know that there is always one guy out there that makes them think otherwise. ALL my girlfriends are "smart, pretty, funny, nice, and extremely fun to be around." Not only that, but they have so much love to give, and they would dedicate their world to the right guy. These are quality women who have their heads on straight and their lives on track. Women who can support themselves and are ready to commit to a serious relationship. Women who know exactly what they want. Well, for the most part. So what's the problem? Where are these guys that claim to be attracted to these qualities? Oh, that's right... they're at bars getting wasted and hitting on nineteen year old girls who put out easily and probably have no effing idea what a bank statement looks like. So much for quality.
At this point, I don't even care anymore. It's pointless to care because they don't care about you. Whenever you need them, they're not there, but whenever they need you, heaven forbid you don't answer your phone!
And yet, so many tears have been wasted on these guys. Bastards. So much time and energy and sleep and phone minutes and text messages and dollars of therapy and medication and thinking and thinking and THINKING. It can drive a girl nuts. Literally.
I know more than enough guys who have wronged their girlfriends in more ways than one, broken up with them, and then continue to hang on to them. That's the messed up part. It's when they decide to hang onto us girls. And the sad thing is? We let them. We allow them to pull us back and forth into this sort of "relationship." Limbo is the worst place to be: not really in a relationship but not really out of one either. Maybe it's the companionship we're seeking? Maybe it's the comfort in knowing someone, no matter how much of a moron he is, still loves us? Confusing? Yes, trust me, it is to me, too.
The problem, I think, is that we build these guys up in our minds into this symbol of perfection and put them up on a tall pedestal to woship. And despite their flaws that we're so easily able to overlook (it must be a genetic trait), how do we only focus on their "good" side in what little amount of time we've known them? This could be a great attribute or, more likely, our Achilles' heel. You decide.
Okay, I'm jumping all over the place. It happens when I get upset. A flood of ideas and words flow through my head, and my fingers can't type fast enough to keep up.
Basically, at this moment, this is what I'm trying to say:
Girls - Stop feeling sorry for yourselves. I know it's tough when you discover that the guy you've been obsessing over doesn't like you back. I know you beat yourself up about where you went wrong or what you could've done differently. And I know you're secretly hoping that he'll realize tomorrow that he lost something really special, which I know he did. BUT, even if he does have an epiphany outside of the one that's usually just in his pants every night, don't let him get by so easily because on those nights you tossed and turned going crazy over him, where was he then? Try to remember that. On those days you waited by your phone for one call or text message, do you think he did the same for you? Think of all the empty "I love you"s and "always and forever"s. Think of the broken promises. We deserve better. We deserve the world. And we deserve to receive every bit of love that we give in return. And more. Think about the people who really care about you: your family, your close friends. Focus on your own life: your job, your career, your education. Improve yourself by trying new things: take up a new hobby, read a book, travel. My dear girlfriends, you each have so much going for you and so much to offer that, as cliche as this sounds, any guy would be crazy not to love you. Don't worry, I'm in the process of practicing saying this to myself in the mirror. I know it's not easy, but this much I know is true: I'm here for you. Always and forever. And you know as well as I do, that my promise has never wavered.
And boys - Fuck off. Assholes.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Cinco de Na-yo weekend coming up!
I celebrate Cinco de Mayo every year because it's my cousin Sourina's birthday. She is pretty good at making slogans to help people remember. Cinco de Sourina... Cinco de Na-yo... Sourina de Mayo. Heheh funny.
Anyway, so we're celebrating this weekend, and I have an old high school friend coming into town to play with us. Sour remembers him, too, and so I'm looking very forward to Saturday.
It got me thinking of the last time I saw him. She said it was four years ago, but I'm thinking it's been much longer than that. Hmm, I'm not sure. In any case, it's amazing how time flies with just a blink of an eye. It seems like just last week that I was still in high school. I've been really missing those days. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo at this stage in my life. The people I hang out with on a daily basis are my coworker friends who are all either married or in serious relationships. They're all financially stable and seem to already have their lives on track. They're buying homes in Austin! I'm definitely nowhere near that stage. On the other hand, because I'm still in Austin, I keep bumping into friends who are still in college, and recently, I've been talking a lot with old high school friends. It makes me miss those days, and I've been getting really nostalgic lately. I miss the past, but I feel like the future is still too far to grasp. I'm stuck in the middle, and sometimes, I don't know where to go.
It's tough being the only single one in the coworker group. Not to mention youngest. I feel like I've gotten a lot done at this point, but not nearly as much as I would've liked. There's still a lot of time, I know, but where do I start? Being with these people should be encouraging, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I'm never going to get there.
Alright, rambling done.
Anyway, so we're celebrating this weekend, and I have an old high school friend coming into town to play with us. Sour remembers him, too, and so I'm looking very forward to Saturday.
It got me thinking of the last time I saw him. She said it was four years ago, but I'm thinking it's been much longer than that. Hmm, I'm not sure. In any case, it's amazing how time flies with just a blink of an eye. It seems like just last week that I was still in high school. I've been really missing those days. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo at this stage in my life. The people I hang out with on a daily basis are my coworker friends who are all either married or in serious relationships. They're all financially stable and seem to already have their lives on track. They're buying homes in Austin! I'm definitely nowhere near that stage. On the other hand, because I'm still in Austin, I keep bumping into friends who are still in college, and recently, I've been talking a lot with old high school friends. It makes me miss those days, and I've been getting really nostalgic lately. I miss the past, but I feel like the future is still too far to grasp. I'm stuck in the middle, and sometimes, I don't know where to go.
It's tough being the only single one in the coworker group. Not to mention youngest. I feel like I've gotten a lot done at this point, but not nearly as much as I would've liked. There's still a lot of time, I know, but where do I start? Being with these people should be encouraging, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I'm never going to get there.
Alright, rambling done.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Happy Laotian New Year!
So, I got my car towed for the first time this week. AAHH!! How scary! I've really taken for granted the comforting feeling of seeing my car the next morning exactly where I left it the night before. Yikes. Long story short: I got back from a wedding Sunday night at 3am and parked it in a reserved parking spot. There were no other spots in sight! None!!! I figured that if I just parked a few hours it'd be fine because I had to get up for work anyway. Well apparently, some asshole called the tow truck on me within those 3 hours, and I had to pay a handsome amount to get it out. Man, it's payback this weekend. I'm not one for revenge, but come on!!! Yes, technically, it's my fault. But I've had a carport before, and when someone parked in my spot, I never called them in! Especially when it had only been like 2-3 hours! Geez.. my apartment complex sucks. I did get it back, but I'm down a good $200 now. Sighh.. so crappy.
Anyway, this weekend is Laotian New Year! Woohooo!! I'm not going home for the yummy foods, but that can be a good thing. Since my American New Year didn't start out too great with me losing my phone and all, I'm hoping this one will be better.
I'm optimistic. I feel good. I think 2008 is a winner. Happy Pee Mai!!
Anyway, this weekend is Laotian New Year! Woohooo!! I'm not going home for the yummy foods, but that can be a good thing. Since my American New Year didn't start out too great with me losing my phone and all, I'm hoping this one will be better.
I'm optimistic. I feel good. I think 2008 is a winner. Happy Pee Mai!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
remember when...
I was listening to the radio when that song "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown came on, and at the end of the song, there's a DJ that comes on and says this little segment before the song is over. I never realized that it was actually part of the song, and it puzzled me for the longest time because I'd hear it in Austin and then I'd hear it in Houston. Every time I would think, "Did I hear this same DJ in Austin/Houston?" I was so confused!!! Later, my cousin cleared it up for me.
So the song came on again this morning, and it made me think back to when I used to record songs from the radio onto cassette tapes. Remember that?!? EVERYONE used to do that! I'd just sit and wait near the radio until the song I wanted came on, and then I'd push the red little "record" button so that I could play it back and listen to it whenever I wanted. What I also remember is that I'd absolutely HATE it when DJs talked into the beginning of the song or when they interrupted the last part because I always wanted the entire song without all the talking! So then, I'd call into radio stations requesting a song and asking if the DJ would please let the whole song play in its entirety before coming back onto the radio. They'd always say, "Ok," and then they'd always cut into the song. It always made me so angry.
Anyway, I was just thinking about that and how funny it was that everyone used to record songs from the radio. Now, it's all about the downloading. The times have certainly changed.
On another note, I'm going to the dentist in about an hour. I haven't had a cleanup since 2006!! I've been busy! But, I'm looking forward to it today. My gums will probably be super sore afterwards, but it'll be good. Then, I'm getting my eyes checked this Saturday! Look at me taking care of myself.
I'm on a roll.
So the song came on again this morning, and it made me think back to when I used to record songs from the radio onto cassette tapes. Remember that?!? EVERYONE used to do that! I'd just sit and wait near the radio until the song I wanted came on, and then I'd push the red little "record" button so that I could play it back and listen to it whenever I wanted. What I also remember is that I'd absolutely HATE it when DJs talked into the beginning of the song or when they interrupted the last part because I always wanted the entire song without all the talking! So then, I'd call into radio stations requesting a song and asking if the DJ would please let the whole song play in its entirety before coming back onto the radio. They'd always say, "Ok," and then they'd always cut into the song. It always made me so angry.
Anyway, I was just thinking about that and how funny it was that everyone used to record songs from the radio. Now, it's all about the downloading. The times have certainly changed.
On another note, I'm going to the dentist in about an hour. I haven't had a cleanup since 2006!! I've been busy! But, I'm looking forward to it today. My gums will probably be super sore afterwards, but it'll be good. Then, I'm getting my eyes checked this Saturday! Look at me taking care of myself.
I'm on a roll.
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