remember when...

I was listening to the radio when that song "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown came on, and at the end of the song, there's a DJ that comes on and says this little segment before the song is over. I never realized that it was actually part of the song, and it puzzled me for the longest time because I'd hear it in Austin and then I'd hear it in Houston. Every time I would think, "Did I hear this same DJ in Austin/Houston?" I was so confused!!! Later, my cousin cleared it up for me.

So the song came on again this morning, and it made me think back to when I used to record songs from the radio onto cassette tapes. Remember that?!? EVERYONE used to do that! I'd just sit and wait near the radio until the song I wanted came on, and then I'd push the red little "record" button so that I could play it back and listen to it whenever I wanted. What I also remember is that I'd absolutely HATE it when DJs talked into the beginning of the song or when they interrupted the last part because I always wanted the entire song without all the talking! So then, I'd call into radio stations requesting a song and asking if the DJ would please let the whole song play in its entirety before coming back onto the radio. They'd always say, "Ok," and then they'd always cut into the song. It always made me so angry.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that and how funny it was that everyone used to record songs from the radio. Now, it's all about the downloading. The times have certainly changed.

On another note, I'm going to the dentist in about an hour. I haven't had a cleanup since 2006!! I've been busy! But, I'm looking forward to it today. My gums will probably be super sore afterwards, but it'll be good. Then, I'm getting my eyes checked this Saturday! Look at me taking care of myself.

I'm on a roll.

Like money...

Toilet paper is one of those things that's easily given away when you have a lot of it. The paper is so thin that the amount seems endless. But when you're down to the last centimeter on the roll, you start to wish you hadn't given so much. As the diameter decreases, your conscious effort to use each piece sparingly increases. You realize those last few squares could be crucial in the imminent time of need. The worst thing is to be left stranded on the john with no paper in reachable lengths. It's bad when you start going through kleenex boxes and paper towels. It's worse when you resort to pulling out pages in books and magazines. And finally, you know you're really desperate when you start tearing apart the cardboard cylinder of the empty roll into little pieces. Who knows the unimaginable lengths people may go to for any small scrap of wiping material?

Lesson learned. Keep a savings supply of readily available Charmin (or Angel Soft) for emergency use only. It's always comforting to know you're lavatorically secure.

allergy capital of the world

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I started the year off on the wrong foot. Not only was I sick, but I also lost my cell phone. On the bright side, it's a good excuse to upgrade. Time to get texting and enter into the 21st century.

At first, I thought it was a cold. It probably was. But then, my eyes started to get the familiar burning and irritating sensation I experience every year around this time. Damn you, cedar!

Aside from mother nature, I think I'm allergic to topical oils like massage and baby oils. My skin tends to break out in scary hives the size of golf balls! Other than that, I'm as healthy as a horse, I think.

It's strange the symptoms I get from allergies. I hardly get sick, but when I do, it's pretty awful. And when it comes to allergies, game over. I stand no chance. I just have to stick it out through allergy season all by my lonesome. Well, just me and my various antihistamines. Yay drugs! Some of my side effects are sleep deprivation, puffy red eyes, and loss of appetite.

Hmmm. HA! Strangely, these seem to be the same side effects as my break ups! Interesting. Seriously, though! How funny is that?! Hopefully, like cedar fever, it's only seasonal. I feel as if I can't get anything done in this condition. Once the air clears up and the headaches stop, everything should fall back into place. Can it be possible that I'm allergic to boys, too? If this is so, then that explains a LOT!

Hahaha oh dear. One can only hope.

is there really a santa?

For some reason, every time this time of year, I seem to notice an unusual number of plump, old men with white beards and spectacles walking around everywhere. Is it psychosomatic?

I could almost bet my life that at least once every Christmas, someone jokingly leans over, nudges me on the side, points, and then whispers, "Look, it's Santa." I kid you not! How many times have you been asked that? I bet more than once! One time too many for me. Too often to where I wonder if it's pure coincidence.

Maybe it's the whole mindset of Christmas. Or maybe old geezers purposely dress themselves up like that for kicks. Or maybe it's the inner child in me hoping that Santa is real. Or maybe... just maybe... it's really him! Hahaha naaahhh... I'm just kidding. Sort of.

Still, it'd be nice to think there's someone who goes around the world bringing gifts to everyone. If that were real, I think this world would really be a better place. What better motivation is there to behave than a brand new toy, whether it be a new Cinderella dress-up doll or the latest Gucci hand bag?

Anyway, I saw my ordinary Santa impersonator yesterday at the mall. Nowadays, I almost feel as if my Christmases wouldn't be complete unless I saw one. My sister said it first, "Guess who that guy looks like." Suddenly, I felt at ease, and I smiled wondering how many children turned their heads for a second glance at him that day.

As he walked by, instead of the scent of peppermints and cinnamon, he smelt of old cheese and salty pretzels. And, if I'm not mistaken, his jolly laugh was replaced with a grunt. But sure enough, he had the infamous look. What he was doing waddling down the mall wearing blue jeans and carrying a Victoria's Secret bag, I'll never know.

Maybe the elves are on strike.

as the holidays approach

"Christmases When You Were Mine"

I never fail to enjoy looking at all the lights and decorations people hang up. I like standing in the middle of my neighborhood street late at night when no cars are out looking down the road at all the houses brightly decorated. The peaceful winter night mixed with the twinkling lights are comforting. Something about the mixture of both touches a nostalgic part of my heart. It's like revisiting my childhood and all the happy times I've ever experienced.

I love Christmas. My apartment is starting to look more festive. While I was putting up the lights this year, I noticed one less pair of hands. The garland is wrapped around my ceiling, and the mistletoe is placed over my doorway. The wreath hangs above the fireplace where the stockings are placed. And then there's the tree.

I brought down my box of Christmas decor and blew the dust off from the top. Inside were various red and gold ornaments. Just the typical kinds, nothing special. Underneath that layer were the ornaments that carried more sentimental value. Each was carefully wrapped in paper for extra protection.

As I unraveled each one, I thought of the time he and I went shopping for ornaments. I got so frustrated when he picked out silly-looking ones because they didn't go with our red and gold tree at all. But seeing his face light up after discovering a new ornament warmed my heart, and I couldn't refuse him. Then, I came across a series of penguin ornaments he surprised me with when I came home from work one night. He knew my adoration for them and filled my apartment with penguin-related decor. I remember turning off all the lights of our place except for our tree and just staring at it together hand in hand.

I'm thankful I got to experience this kind of happiness and tranquility with someone even if it's just once in my lifetime. I hope that you have also. And if you haven't, I hope you will soon.

looking back

Today, I went through boxes of miscellaneous items in my closet. It's been 3 months since I've moved into my apartment and 6 months since the breakup. As I rummaged through bags of things I haven't seen in years, I came across something that felt like only yesterday when I had stowed it away.

A shoebox covered in strips of different shades of blue that were cut out from various magazines. On the flap were movie and theater ticket stubs from the summer he and I started dating. I opened the box and inside were individual pictures of us glued onto the walls. The contents consisted of old letters, cards, pictures, and trinkets to remind us of all we'd been through together.

As I flipped through and read the letters, tears welled up while the memories flowed back into my reality. So many times the words "always" and "forever" came up. At the time, those feelings were so strong. So certain. But now, they seem so shallow. So distant. I felt like such a fool. Yet, I missed saying them. I miss hearing them. From him? I'm not sure. But that comfort, that love, I felt, was difficult to find. And I started to wonder if I ever would again. Did I make a mistake?

No, it's over. This I know for certain. It's just one of those days. Everyone has them, but at least mine occur less frequently nowadays. I suppose that's progress. Although, this has been the worst in a long time. I ran my fingers across the side of his face on the collage I made him. It was hard trying to remember the feel of the curves and wrinkles of his smile. I couldn't get the image out of my head. What do I do with it all? Do I throw away five years worth of memories? Or do I keep it to torment my heart? How can I let it go?

I can't. Not yet. But maybe I can learn from it.

I feel like I won't ever feel that way for anyone again. And the next time I start to fall, I'll try really hard not to throw around promises so carelessly. I never want to feel this way ever again, but at the same time, I don't know when to let down this guard.

The boxes and pictures still stare back at me. I pray that one day soon I'll have the strength and courage to finally look away.

the beginning

John Milton once said, "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." I hope that with my thoughts and words you'll be able to share with me the triumphs and tragedies of my life's journey. Thanks for reading.