4/21 11:26pm

I feel so alone. Are there times you want to pick up the phone, but you don't know who to call? Maybe partly because you don't know what to say? Is this just a phase? How did I get here? How did I get here. Every time I think I'm taking a step forward, there will be days I feel I've taken ten steps back. These days come and go. I wish this day would go by faster.

nearly a year

I'm sorry, blog. I've let you down. It's been almost a year since my last entry, and all I can say is that I've been busy. It's the same excuse I tell everyone else, and I guess I've been a hypocrite in the past when I got mad at a certain someone for always telling me he's busy. Though now, I understand that "I'm busy" means "I choose not to make time for you." Again, I'm sorry. Really, I am.

This past year has been full of ups and downs as every year is, I guess. I moved from Austin, and I'm living with my parents now. It's been almost a year since I've left DFA, and I'm now working at a new company doing recruiting. It's pretty cool. Buuut, I'm moving again this summer to College Station! I'm finally going back to school. It's exciting, but it's also really scary! I'm going to have my own apt, meet new people... learn! I haven't "learned" in a long time!! So career/school wise, that's been new. Huge news, huh??

Regarding my personal life, gosh... where do I even begin? When I left Austin, it was the last I ever heard from the boy who shattered my heart into a trillion pieces. It was a good thing, and it was a bad thing. He'll always be there in the back of my mind telling me what to think, but his voice, at least, has become just a whisper that sounds only every now and then. I think when you are scarred this much, this kind of wound can never be forgotten. I wonder if it will ever be healed completely, but I've grown tired of wondering. Someone new has come into my life, and he's fantastic. But still, you never know what will happen next. We're "serious" as in we're committed to each other, but it's hard to even fathom myself getting to that same level of affection again with someone else without everything backfiring on me. The best I can say to anyone is, "We'll see where it goes."

In this past year, I've made some really great decisions, like moving back to Houston, and some pretty stupid decisions. I've nurtured a lot of friendships, and it seems I've messed up a couple as well. I try to think that it's ok, but in all honesty, I'm pretty bitter about it. There are two friends in particular that I've spent a lot of my life with on the phone, in person, online, etc etc... and both of these friends have decided that I'm not a good friend in their life anymore. Why is this? Over and over, I've replayed the scenes in my head. Time and time again, I've asked myself, "Am I not a good friend after all?" I've beat myself up. I've felt guilty. I've accepted the blame. I've apologized. I feel like I've done so much. And yet, I'm still being punished. Was what I did so wrong???

I feel like I'm a really good friend. I feel like I do anything and everything I can for the people I love. And I loved these girls. I really did. They came to me for consolation, and I listened. They asked for my opinion, and I gave it to them. I gave them the truth about how I felt. One of them complained about how poorly her exbf treated her, yet she was so sad to not be with him. I asked her why? I asked her why it was that she couldn't see all the good stuff in her life? Why is it that she couldn't find happiness in the people that DID want to be with her? Why couldn't she find consolation with the friends that put aside their lives to comfort her? Why couldn't she see this? Particular me, who she used to call in the middle of the night crying. Who she leaned on to keep her company in her loneliest hours. Who she relied on to not judge her through her crazy rantings. After I told her all this, she stopped calling. She said she didn't feel like she could talk to me about her exbf anymore, and I guess she meant that if she couldn't talk about him, she didn't want to talk at all. It hurt. Mainly because it felt like I failed as a friend. I wonder to myself if I should have just not said anything. I wonder if I should have just told her what she wanted to hear, but it got to a point where she'd just play devil's advocate with anything it was I said. When I supported him and said he was great, she'd list all the reasons why he wasn't. When I explained to her why he wasn't great, she'd tell me all the reasons why she missed him. It was a lose-lose situation, and in the end, I lost that friend for being honest.

No one can tell me I don't understand what the heartache feels like. No one can tell me I don't know what they're going through. I've been through it and back. I've had every dark and sinister thought. I've had the feeling of losing everything and thinking I'm never going to get it back. If you don't believe me, refer back to blog entry #1 and start from the beginning three years ago.

My other friend is another heartbreaking story for me. I've been through ups and downs with this one as well, and yet one slip up has erased everything I've ever done for her. She can constantly forgive and forgive the boys that have put her through endless amounts of misery, and yet, she can't seem to let go what I said. What did I say? Well, during a time when I was at a lowpoint in my life, I was leaning on two people: her and my guy friend. I loved these two. So much. More than words can describe. I felt they were my foundation. I felt like they were my own flesh and blood. When one was busy, I could rely on the other. Yes, it was selfish. And yes, it was needy. But like I said, I was in a bad place, and they seemed (at the time) to be the only lights in my life. How I loved them so much, and how I dearly cherished their friendships. Then one day, I learned of their relationship. In my trifecta of friendship, I had become the third wheel. What made it worst was that if one of them didn't tell me something, I'd find out something else from the other. I felt like I was being tugged back and forth with information. I grew jealous. I grew distant. I grew upset. But above all, I grew saddened. I was heartbroken knowing that what we three had together as merely friends would never stay the same. It's no secret that friendships change when they become something more. I was hurt that this was all happening under my nose. Their defense was that they didn't want to hurt me. When I tried to stop it, I was punished for it.

It's true that I could have approached it a certain way, but it's also true that they could have, too. And yet, I'm the one to blame. I felt that since she had just gotten out of a serious relationship, I was afraid this one with my friend wouldn't have been taken seriously. Knowing both of them, I just didn't feel like it would work. My resistance began to seem like acts of jealousy. And I was jealous! I was jealous that I was no longer a part of that friendship. I told some friends how I felt, and it was interpreted to be a personal attack on her when it was not at all. News travels in strange ways, but though I was told I was forgiven, the matter was clearly never forgotten as her friendship with me has slowly diminished.

This friendship loss hurt more than the first. At some point, I thought it would be just water under the bridge, but it seems the water is at a standstill. She constantly writes about how much she loves and cherishes her friendships with other people, but I'm no longer a part of that. For what again? I can't even remember clearly other than that I told someone that I felt she was using my guy friend to get over her previous relationship. It was an opinion that costed me too much, I suppose. A few months later, they ended up not working out for reasons I was afraid of in the first place, and yet, nothing between me and her seemed to be corrected. She still resented me for what I said. She said I should have let her figure it out on her own, but was it so wrong to want to prevent a friend from making a mistake? Of course, this is the way I see things. I'm different. I forgive, and I forget, especially when the friendship is important to me. Others are not the same. I thought friendships were supposed to grow stronger through triumphs and tragedies, but I realize it can only grow stronger when both parties are willing to make it stronger. It still stings not being a part of her life as I used to be. I wish she could see how much she meant to me. I wish she could read into my heart that my intentions have always been good. If I could wish for one relationship in the past again, it wouldn't even be with the one that my blog has been devoted to. It would be for hers. It's still my fault to her, and now, I'm part of the blame as to why she feels she can't trust anyone anymore. What can I say to that? There's nothing I can do anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not perfect. I said it! I didn't think I needed to. I'm not the perfect friend either. But I AM a good one. I'm better than good actually because my heart has always been in the right place. I genuinely love my friends, and maybe that's the problem. I love them so much that it's hard to let go of them. I become possessive and needy and selfish. I want them for myself. I trust them, and I trust our relationship, but maybe I trust it so much that I think nothing can ever go wrong no matter what happens.

So much has happened in a year. I've lost most of my readers, I'm sure, but that's ok. This blog was always meant for me anyway. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything. I just feel like my side of the story doesn't matter anymore. I feel like all those nights and hours of my life and phone calls and conversations and everything and more... I feel like they're all wasted on friendships that never appreciated me in the first place. I would have done anything for these girls. Maybe I should have shown it more. Or maybe it would have gone unnoticed anyway. This year will be full of new faces. New friends. New life. Will it replace anything? Certainly not. But though much has changed, though I've changed, I feel as guarded as ever. But still, I will march through life keeping my morals, and I will always do what I feel is right. Hopefully, this year and on, I will live with no regrets. I hope you do the same.

how does it feel to be unemployed?

It's my first day off the job. So far so good. It's a little after 9:30am. I'm still in my pjs eating breakfast and contemplating whether or not I want to shower today. Yeah, so far so good.

I'm about to tackle my list of things-to-do but thought I'd write a little first. I suppose this feels nice being at home. It's a cloudy day outside, so it feels cozy in the apartment. I like this feeling. I'm relaxed and at peace.

I wonder how long this will last. My friend gave me three days.

goodbye DFA

I'm done.

three more days... then goodbye dfa

I can't believe it's been nearly four years since I've started at this company. I'll never forget walking into this barren office my first day on the job. Half of the office lights were turned off, all the cubicles were empty, and I was greeted by two other people, who happened to be the only two other employees. I remember thinking, "Have I made a horrible, horrible mistake?"

I was there when they broke ground for the new office. I was there when all the transferees moved from Santa Monica. I met the new hires. I met the clients. I grew close with certain coworkers and their families. And now today, I'm sitting at a desk with one of the best views of the Austin skyline. I work inside one of the most breathtaking buildings in the city, and I'm here with my friends. But, I put in my two weeks notice last week, and my last day is this coming Friday. Again, I'm back to the question, "Have I made a horrible, horrible mistake?"

Yes, it's been a great run. Yes, I've loved my job. And most importantly, I've met really amazing people and became really good friends with them. I will miss that the most. But in the end, that still wasn't not enough to keep my job. In the end, I was miserable. I can't work at a dead-end job just because I love the people here. Maybe it was ok for a while, but after seeing my friends grow, and seeing the company grow, and seeing the entire city grow, I noticed that I wasn't growing. I've grown older, of course, and maybe a little wiser, but I haven't grown in my career, and this is important to me too. Sometimes, you have step back a little to take a bigger leap.

Still, I'm going to miss everyone so much. I know I'll make new friends, but it's still hard to let go. I wish I didn't get attached so easily to people. I wish I could just peel myself off like a mailing label on an envelope. Or just file my feelings away. Har har.

Just earlier, a coworker stopped me earlier in the hall. She told me she is sad I’m leaving. Pretty standard message you tell a person when you discover he/she is leaving a company for whatever reason, right? But then, she gave me a big hug, stepped back, and had tears in her eyes! She’s a cute, fobby Asian lady who moved to Oklahoma from China with her husband and then later moved to Austin a year ago when he got a job here. I’ve talked to her before, but usually it’s just small talk, I thought. Then, she said she was sad when she heard I was moving because I was one of the only people that actually talked to her when she first started at our company. She said I was always really friendly with her, and it made her happy when she saw me because she felt comfortable to talk to me. She said she’s going to miss seeing me around the office.

I was swept with emotion. I gave her another hug and told her thank you. It made me feel good to know that I left a positive mark on this company even if it was just for one person. I mean, a huge reason why I decided to leave was because I felt unappreciated (hence, the last entry). I started feeling like I wasn't making a difference, and ever since I was young, that was what I strived for: to make a difference. This event just goes to prove what I’ve always believed in - that you never know what kind of person you’ll affect – one little gesture can make a huge difference in another person’s life. This is what I love. It's what I breathe for. This was encouraging and motivating, and it reminded me why I want to leave. Even though I've made somewhat of a mark here at the company, I know I have the potential to make a bigger one.

So, goodbye DFA. Thanks for the great times and, I suppose, the bad times, too. Without the cumulative little experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'll miss everyone here. I'll miss Austin period. But I'm so, so excited about the future.

Houston, here I come!

the devil wears christian louboutin

There's a woman that I work with that can be compared to Maleficent or Satan's reincarnate. She's horrifying. To her, the only way is her way, and if you don't abide by her rules, you will be punished. She has eyes bottomless crystal blue eyes, pale skin, and long auburn hair. She speaks in an abrupt, condescending manner. And she has very expensive, yet exquisite taste. Her style is flawless. I hear she has the Nordstrom women's department bring over their new lines of clothing to her office so that she could pick out what she wants. I've never seen her wear anything other than Louboutin shoes.

Once, I crossed her path, and she didn't even flinch to yell at me in front of a group of people at work. We had a conference at work, and she was leaving to the airport. The car service was scheduled to leave at 4:00pm, but I was told to have the driver wait because there was someone else that was to be joining her on her ride to the airport. I kept her waiting outside in a taxi for 5 minutes too long, literally 5 minutes, when she walked back to the building and started yelling at me about how unacceptable it was for her to have to wait when the other person was running late. I told her it was what I was told, and she continued to yell at me. I had to leave to the bathroom to cry. It was awful.

In March, the Chicago office, where the devil woman resides, closed down. Since she brings in millions for the company, they told her she could work from home, but everyone else was let go, including her poor assistant (rather, lucky assistant!). Guess who was left to support her?

Day after day, I would receive calls from this woman. I had assignment after assignment from her. She was always criticizing what I did, and there seemed to be nothing I could do to please her. She gave a whole new meaning to high-maintenance, and I hated her for it. She made my life miserable, and she made me shudder every time I saw her name show up on my phone. If I didn't pick up (which I only tried a couple times before I realized it was actually worse to not pick up), then she would just email me every half hour before I called her back.

Life was getting worse at work. She-devil aside, I was unhappy overall with my position at the company. I decided to study and apply for grad school. Finally, I'm going to do it. I applied last week, and now I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens. Despite my acceptance into school or not, I'm going to move back home to be with my family. Therefore, it's time to say so long to Austin. It's not goodbye, but it may be a long see-you-later. I'm sad to have to close this chapter in my life, but I'm excited about what's ahead. I've been saying for a long time now that it's time for a change.

I put in my two weeks notice last Monday. Slowly, the news is being trickled down through the company. I'm getting more and more calls to meet up for lunch and where I'm going to plan my farewell happy hour. As the reality of it all sinks in, I'm torn between wishing to stay and wanting to leave. Then, I remember the devil woman, and I can't be more adamant about leaving.

Until this morning.

This morning, I got a call from her. 8:47am. She's late today. I was away from my desk but quickly returned her call when I got back. "Good morning, Carol, what can I do for you today?" Surprisingly, this is what she said:

Janice, I just heard the news. I can't believe you're leaving. We only just started working together, but I'm really going to miss you. What do you plan to do after this? Ah, I see. Well, I hope you get into whatever school you want. I am just so sad to hear this. I'm very sad you're leaving, and I hope that the person after you will do just as good of a job. We'll all miss you, but I wish you the very best of luck.

After hanging up, I checked the date to make sure it wasn't April Fool's Day. It wasn't. Oh, I know, I must have died. No, I'm still breathing. I pinched myself. Nope, not a dream either. I sat there, dumbfounded, and I thought and thought and... ooOH MY GOD! THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END! That's gotta be it!!! This is a trick, isn't it??

Her farewell note to me sunk in. Carol thinks I'm doing a good job. Then, why had she been yelling at me this whole time? Maybe despite the hard exterior, she was actually beginning to like me. Maybe? No, not maybe. She did like me. And why shouldn't she? I am a good worker, and the whole reason why I'm quitting is because I haven't been feeling appreciated by my group. I work hard, and it seems like no one is recognizing it. But Carol, she pushed and pushed and pushed me and, in the end, told me I was doing great. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually really like Carol. I hope I didn't just jinx myself, but I think Carol has taught me so much more in the last month than my entire group has taught me in the last four years of working. In my group, politics and favoritism seem to reign. For a long time, it felt like you had to get your head in someone's ass before being promoted. Everyone told me that's just what you have to do. It's part of the "rat race." But I refused to compromise myself. I don't care if that's what "everyone" has to do to get ahead. I'm not like that, and I never plan to be. So, that's a huge reason why I decided to leave. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not and pretend to like a person when I don't just to promote myself. It made me sad to think that the world was like this, but Carol taught me differently. I worked hard for her, and her approval was all I needed. She confirmed to me that hard work does pay off, and it does get appreciated in the end.

So thank you, Carol. You've restored my faith in the corporate world. All this time when I thought you were just a cold-hearted bitch, I realize now that you have to be that way in order to survive in this industry. Thank you for pushing me and telling me I did a good job. Even though you're still a cold-hearted bitch, at least you're not a heartless one, and I appreciate it. I will miss you.

what??! 2010?!?

Holy smokes! It's 2010 already, and I've yet to post a single thing on here. I can't believe I skipped the holidays, my birthday, and so much more! Whoops.

Gosh, so much has happened. So much time has passed since my first post on here. How am I feeling nowadays? Absolutely miserable! But in a good way! Allow me to explain.

You see, three or so years ago, I was writing about how horrible I felt. My heart was torn apart into pieces that could never get sewn back together, and I felt there was no more purpose in living. I was in a bad place, and I honestly didn't think I was ever going to get out of it. A small part of me probably didn't want to get out of it. That masochistic bit of me wanted to hang on to that heartaching feeling so that I could hang on to him. So that I could hang on to whatever bit of happiness I had with him. But then, that happiness faded away, and eventually (and I mean, a loooong time later), I was just hanging on to nothing. I was just hanging on to hang on. Yet, when I finally got the sense to look down and see what I was hanging on to, it was still difficult to let go. Why? I became so used to hanging on to nothing!! Ridiculous, isn't it? So then it took even MORE time to learn how to let go of everything. Once that happened, I was able to finally focus on my life.

And what a mess my life was... is, rather. I'm working at a dead end job that used to bring me satisfaction. Or maybe.. it was just that my life was just THAT dull that this miserable job was actually great compared to everything else? Bottom line is, I started to really focus on my job. Did I like it? No. Not at all. Then why am I still here? Again, we go back to comfort. It's what I know. It's what I'm used to. Essentially, women are always seeking comfort and security. I'd like to say "people" in general seek comfort and security, but I think men seek it in a different sense. Women want it emotionally. Men want it financially.

Anyway, I digress. By the time I stopped to think, "Wow, what do I have to show for my life?" it seemed way too late. I'm not doing what I love doing. Being where I am wasn't in my plan when I got out of college. This isn't my dream. I'm not happy doing what I'm doing because it's not self-fulfilling enough. There is no satisfaction in my job. But, it wasn't too late to change this.

After months of feeling down about work, I decided to do something about it. I'm signed up to take the GMATs in a little over a week, and I plan to apply to schools this year. In the meantime, I'm going to move back home to save a little more money, and hopefully, everything will start working out on its own. It took me this long to realize how far I've fallen off the beaten path. It's time to get back on and start running.

So you see, even though misery is still lingering in my life, it's a different kind of misery. It's one that has an expiration date because I can actually do something about it. While some people may argue that a broken heart is just as easily manageable, I disagree. Only time can tell when a broken heart can be fixed. But everything else? You can have total control.

There is a light at the end of this misery tunnel. I'm so close to reaching it. I feel the sun and its warmth. No more cold, lonely nights to keep me up. No more crying. No more self-pity. No more wondering "what if." No criticism, no distraction, no broken bone, spirit, or heart can stop me now. I am untouchable. And for once, in a very very long time, I feel so free.

please wait

I really hate calling a company and having to wait in line to speak to the next representative. It's the worst. I do appreciate the places that give you an approximate wait time. The nice robot lady comes on the phone and says, "We appreciate your business. Please hold, and the next available agent will be right with you. Currently, the wait time is four...ty.. five minutes." You can hear her talking when you read this, can't you?

Finally, when I think it can't get any worse, someone finally picks up the line and asks how they can help you. I begin by telling them I need to make a change to something. They say sure and ask if I can hold for a minute while they look up my information. THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ME GIVING MY INFORMATION IN THE BEGINNING OF MY CALL???? As I proceed to wait... the elevator music that I've been listening to for the past "four.. ty.. five minutes" starts up again.. and then all of a sudden, I hear the line ringing once more. "Thank you for calling, this is Mike, how can I help you?" WTF IS THIS??!?? So I say, "Umm.. I was just talking to someone and she put me on hold.. I don't know.. is there a reason she transferred my call?" He says in his middle eastern accent, "Uhh.. no ma'am. I do not know what you are talking about. My phone just ring, and I pick up. I do not know. Can I get your information please?"

It's just the worst. I hate calling in for support for whatever the reason. It's not customer support at all. It's customer stress!! It's... what can we do to make our customers never call in to complain? I hate it. And when the person is rude to you like you're wasting THEIR time when at least they're getting paid to wait.. it makes me even more upset because the truth is, they can be rude all they want. You're the one needing their help. Ugh. I hate it.

One time, I called in, and some lady told me I needed to be transferred to a different department. This was after I had waited on the line for nearly an hour. I said fine - I had no choice, really. So she transferred me to a help line for deaf people! I was thinking, "Now what did I ever do to this lady?" I had to hang up and call back. I was hoping and praying I'd get her on the line again, but it was a guy the second time around. I was so pissed.

Everyone hates telemarketers, so why do they exist? Really, why? Sometimes, it's kind of scary to get these calls. You never know who it is. There is a slight pause on the line, some static, and then a "Can I speak to the head of the household?" *shivers* Do companies actually make any money from these tactics? Is there really a profit? I propose to make this world a better place by getting rid of this job position completely.

Jerry Seinfeld had an episode when one of these telemarketers called his apartment. He picks up and tells the guy he can take his home number and call him back when he has time. Then he says, "Oh? Why not? You don't want me to call you at home? Well, now you know how I feel." One day, I've been waiting for the day to use this line.

time after bloody time

Purple told me today, "You know how when people break up and they tell you that you just need more time? Well, I think you've had enough time already."

How much is enough? Is enough enough? I wish there was some kind of relationship calculator that I can punch in the dates to give me how much time is needed to "get over" someone.

(Amount of time together) x (# of times you said I Love You) = time needed to get over it
(Amount of time dating) _ _(# of times/lies he said I Love You)

Don't forget to make sure the unit of time is consistent.

well well well... if it isn't...

Oh wait.. it's me. I'm sorry, everyone. I know it's been a while, but I'm back. Where and why I've gone so long? I don't know if I have it in me to explain. Just know that I'm sorry for the extended absence, and I will try not to let it happen again. If it's any consolation at all, I've very much missed you too.

So many things have happened, and at the same time, not much has happened at all. When was the last time I wrote? GEEZ... APRIL??!?!! If you're still reading this, you're my new bestfriend.

Updates from my January 26 entry:

1.) Study for the GMATs (I know, I know, I've been saying this forever now. Seriously this time) - check! erase... check! erase... slooowly checking again...
2.) Run at least 3 times a week - check! i was doing this for a long time. i've only stopped for the last month and a half now.. but i'm starting up again... this one wasn't so hard
3.) Go geocaching - pending
4.) Build a potato gun - pending
5.) Visit a Texas winery - check and check!
6.) Plan a deep sea fishing trip - check!
7.) Read almost every night before bedtime - sort of checking!
8.) Fish and go camping as many times as possible - didn't happen. try again in the fall
9.) Figure out if it's Houston or Austin for the next year - check! Austin wins!
10.) Learn more soup recipes - too hot for soup right now
11.) Learn French - no, but my Vietnamese is improving!
12.) Save more money - this is a big one - EPIC FAIL
13.) Drink less alcohol - check! very proud of this one
14.) Improve my piano and guitar skills - i need a new guitar
15.) Take an informal class at UT - not yet

Not too bad, I don't think! :) Obviously, the expectations I've set for myself are not that high.

Ok what else... so let's see. I've moved apartments... again... and I'm now living with Nurse. She's a doll. I love her very much. The apartment is great except for our elephant neighbors upstairs. I've gotten accustomed to the stomping, and it's only when people say, "Is that thunder outside?" that I realize they're being loud again. Maybe we deserve it since we called the fire department on them the first weekend we moved in because we smelled smoke in our apartment. But seriously, who turns on their fireplace in the middle of July? In TEXAS?!? Crazy bastards.

Saying the word "bastards" makes me want to speak in an English accent. That's my new thing these days. I don't know why. But even as I'm typing, I'm saying these words with an accent in my head. Don't deny it. I know you're doing it too now. It's bloody addicting, isn't it? I can't stop! I went to Austin Park n Pizza the other day and spoke with a British accent nearly the entire time. A girl came up to me and said, "I love your accent! Where are you from?" Caught off guard and slightly embarrassed (only slightly), I told her, "Ooohhh, I'm from London! Well, I'm from a lovely little town outside called.. uhh... Notting Hill! Have you heard of it?" I was probably red in the face, but sometimes, you just get so caught up in something so stupid, that it'd be even more stupid to try to turn back around. Luckily, she bought it. Unluckily, she kept talking to me. I made up some dumb story to excuse myself.

Gosh, I'm so lame. See? Some things never change. It's good to have you back, friends! Even more so, it's good to be back! Stay tuned!