nearly a year

I'm sorry, blog. I've let you down. It's been almost a year since my last entry, and all I can say is that I've been busy. It's the same excuse I tell everyone else, and I guess I've been a hypocrite in the past when I got mad at a certain someone for always telling me he's busy. Though now, I understand that "I'm busy" means "I choose not to make time for you." Again, I'm sorry. Really, I am.

This past year has been full of ups and downs as every year is, I guess. I moved from Austin, and I'm living with my parents now. It's been almost a year since I've left DFA, and I'm now working at a new company doing recruiting. It's pretty cool. Buuut, I'm moving again this summer to College Station! I'm finally going back to school. It's exciting, but it's also really scary! I'm going to have my own apt, meet new people... learn! I haven't "learned" in a long time!! So career/school wise, that's been new. Huge news, huh??

Regarding my personal life, gosh... where do I even begin? When I left Austin, it was the last I ever heard from the boy who shattered my heart into a trillion pieces. It was a good thing, and it was a bad thing. He'll always be there in the back of my mind telling me what to think, but his voice, at least, has become just a whisper that sounds only every now and then. I think when you are scarred this much, this kind of wound can never be forgotten. I wonder if it will ever be healed completely, but I've grown tired of wondering. Someone new has come into my life, and he's fantastic. But still, you never know what will happen next. We're "serious" as in we're committed to each other, but it's hard to even fathom myself getting to that same level of affection again with someone else without everything backfiring on me. The best I can say to anyone is, "We'll see where it goes."

In this past year, I've made some really great decisions, like moving back to Houston, and some pretty stupid decisions. I've nurtured a lot of friendships, and it seems I've messed up a couple as well. I try to think that it's ok, but in all honesty, I'm pretty bitter about it. There are two friends in particular that I've spent a lot of my life with on the phone, in person, online, etc etc... and both of these friends have decided that I'm not a good friend in their life anymore. Why is this? Over and over, I've replayed the scenes in my head. Time and time again, I've asked myself, "Am I not a good friend after all?" I've beat myself up. I've felt guilty. I've accepted the blame. I've apologized. I feel like I've done so much. And yet, I'm still being punished. Was what I did so wrong???

I feel like I'm a really good friend. I feel like I do anything and everything I can for the people I love. And I loved these girls. I really did. They came to me for consolation, and I listened. They asked for my opinion, and I gave it to them. I gave them the truth about how I felt. One of them complained about how poorly her exbf treated her, yet she was so sad to not be with him. I asked her why? I asked her why it was that she couldn't see all the good stuff in her life? Why is it that she couldn't find happiness in the people that DID want to be with her? Why couldn't she find consolation with the friends that put aside their lives to comfort her? Why couldn't she see this? Particular me, who she used to call in the middle of the night crying. Who she leaned on to keep her company in her loneliest hours. Who she relied on to not judge her through her crazy rantings. After I told her all this, she stopped calling. She said she didn't feel like she could talk to me about her exbf anymore, and I guess she meant that if she couldn't talk about him, she didn't want to talk at all. It hurt. Mainly because it felt like I failed as a friend. I wonder to myself if I should have just not said anything. I wonder if I should have just told her what she wanted to hear, but it got to a point where she'd just play devil's advocate with anything it was I said. When I supported him and said he was great, she'd list all the reasons why he wasn't. When I explained to her why he wasn't great, she'd tell me all the reasons why she missed him. It was a lose-lose situation, and in the end, I lost that friend for being honest.

No one can tell me I don't understand what the heartache feels like. No one can tell me I don't know what they're going through. I've been through it and back. I've had every dark and sinister thought. I've had the feeling of losing everything and thinking I'm never going to get it back. If you don't believe me, refer back to blog entry #1 and start from the beginning three years ago.

My other friend is another heartbreaking story for me. I've been through ups and downs with this one as well, and yet one slip up has erased everything I've ever done for her. She can constantly forgive and forgive the boys that have put her through endless amounts of misery, and yet, she can't seem to let go what I said. What did I say? Well, during a time when I was at a lowpoint in my life, I was leaning on two people: her and my guy friend. I loved these two. So much. More than words can describe. I felt they were my foundation. I felt like they were my own flesh and blood. When one was busy, I could rely on the other. Yes, it was selfish. And yes, it was needy. But like I said, I was in a bad place, and they seemed (at the time) to be the only lights in my life. How I loved them so much, and how I dearly cherished their friendships. Then one day, I learned of their relationship. In my trifecta of friendship, I had become the third wheel. What made it worst was that if one of them didn't tell me something, I'd find out something else from the other. I felt like I was being tugged back and forth with information. I grew jealous. I grew distant. I grew upset. But above all, I grew saddened. I was heartbroken knowing that what we three had together as merely friends would never stay the same. It's no secret that friendships change when they become something more. I was hurt that this was all happening under my nose. Their defense was that they didn't want to hurt me. When I tried to stop it, I was punished for it.

It's true that I could have approached it a certain way, but it's also true that they could have, too. And yet, I'm the one to blame. I felt that since she had just gotten out of a serious relationship, I was afraid this one with my friend wouldn't have been taken seriously. Knowing both of them, I just didn't feel like it would work. My resistance began to seem like acts of jealousy. And I was jealous! I was jealous that I was no longer a part of that friendship. I told some friends how I felt, and it was interpreted to be a personal attack on her when it was not at all. News travels in strange ways, but though I was told I was forgiven, the matter was clearly never forgotten as her friendship with me has slowly diminished.

This friendship loss hurt more than the first. At some point, I thought it would be just water under the bridge, but it seems the water is at a standstill. She constantly writes about how much she loves and cherishes her friendships with other people, but I'm no longer a part of that. For what again? I can't even remember clearly other than that I told someone that I felt she was using my guy friend to get over her previous relationship. It was an opinion that costed me too much, I suppose. A few months later, they ended up not working out for reasons I was afraid of in the first place, and yet, nothing between me and her seemed to be corrected. She still resented me for what I said. She said I should have let her figure it out on her own, but was it so wrong to want to prevent a friend from making a mistake? Of course, this is the way I see things. I'm different. I forgive, and I forget, especially when the friendship is important to me. Others are not the same. I thought friendships were supposed to grow stronger through triumphs and tragedies, but I realize it can only grow stronger when both parties are willing to make it stronger. It still stings not being a part of her life as I used to be. I wish she could see how much she meant to me. I wish she could read into my heart that my intentions have always been good. If I could wish for one relationship in the past again, it wouldn't even be with the one that my blog has been devoted to. It would be for hers. It's still my fault to her, and now, I'm part of the blame as to why she feels she can't trust anyone anymore. What can I say to that? There's nothing I can do anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not perfect. I said it! I didn't think I needed to. I'm not the perfect friend either. But I AM a good one. I'm better than good actually because my heart has always been in the right place. I genuinely love my friends, and maybe that's the problem. I love them so much that it's hard to let go of them. I become possessive and needy and selfish. I want them for myself. I trust them, and I trust our relationship, but maybe I trust it so much that I think nothing can ever go wrong no matter what happens.

So much has happened in a year. I've lost most of my readers, I'm sure, but that's ok. This blog was always meant for me anyway. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything. I just feel like my side of the story doesn't matter anymore. I feel like all those nights and hours of my life and phone calls and conversations and everything and more... I feel like they're all wasted on friendships that never appreciated me in the first place. I would have done anything for these girls. Maybe I should have shown it more. Or maybe it would have gone unnoticed anyway. This year will be full of new faces. New friends. New life. Will it replace anything? Certainly not. But though much has changed, though I've changed, I feel as guarded as ever. But still, I will march through life keeping my morals, and I will always do what I feel is right. Hopefully, this year and on, I will live with no regrets. I hope you do the same.