the times they are a-changin

I love how soulmate and I have nicknames for all the guys we encounter. This makes things easier for when we write entries about them because it keeps their confidentiality. But even when she and I converse, we still refer to them as burrito boy, or MD, or teacher, or rice. I like her idea of not addressing them by their real names until they've become permanent fixtures in our lives. I wonder if we jinx them from the start by doing so.

Thinking about this, it's probably a psychosomatic way of blocking these guys out emotionally while becoming physically involved. Well, sometimes physically involved.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday about being happy and living the single life. I'm going to call her Purple. Purple was upset at one of her friends because her friend seems to be hanging onto an unhealthy relationship for the sole reason of fear of being alone. Fear of being alone. To me, that is a scary thought. In Purple's opinion, she asked, "What's the big deal?" Her viewpoint on this is that if she can do it, anyone can. I agree. Of course it's possible to be alone. In fact, we were all born single, weren't we? But after we were born, we were showered with love and attention from our parents. Once that love and attention starts to fade, we seek it elsewhere from another person. Some need it more than others.

It's been a long time since I've been single for this length of a time. It's been... what.. one and a half years now since the breakup? But considering the time I was with someone, that's a long time! It was tough leaving a 5-6 year relationship after being dependent on that person for so long. So yes, I understand, being alone is terrifying. I won't disagree with that. On the other hand, what is the big deal about being alone? Eight years ago, I was more than happy being single. I was more than happy being independent. And I was more than happy with the fact that I didn't need anyone in my life. Ever. How did all that change in less than a decade? Most importantly, how do I get back to that frame of thinking?

Like Purple, I feel I'm becoming used to it now. I feel I'm starting to find my little corner to settle into. I'm used to waking up and seeing the other pillow empty. I'm used to going to bed without saying goodnight to anyone. I'm used to having great things or awful things happen to me without reporting it to someone. It's all starting to fall into place. I used to think God was punishing me for doing something awful, and I used to sit around wondering what that awful thing was. What did I do to deserve it? But now, I wonder if God is just testing me. Maybe I'm supposed to go through these trial and errors alone. Maybe I'm supposed to undergo all these hardships in order to grow stronger from them. If this is so, I feel it's working. The more I do things on my own, the better I feel about myself. And when I do fail, it's forced me to find help in those that I love: my family and my close friends. Since the breakup, I've opened my eyes to see a handful of loving people waiting and ready to catch me at any moment. I felt ashamed for taking them for granted but grateful that they were still there waiting for me.

The holidays are quickly approaching. This time of year last year was the toughest for me. Two weeks from now will be my blog's one year anniversary. After re-reading some old entries, I can definitely see the progress I've made. Instead of sitting around alone crying over old pictures and memories, my priorities have shifted to planning events and parties with friends. Instead of wondering what I could've, should've, would've done for him, I'm planning what kind of gifts and surprises I can give to my family. In just a year, I feel dramatic changes have taken place. I have a new nephew. My oldest girl cousin just got married. I am closer than ever to my parents. I feel okay visiting old memories of my past. And I know what I want to do next in life.

In just a year, I've grown so much in so many ways. I can only imagine what will happen a year from now. The difference now is that instead of dreading my future, I'm actually really looking forward to it.