home is where the heart is

Have you ever gotten to a point where you thought, "Enough is enough. Something needs to change"? (I can never figure out if the question mark goes inside or outside the quotations. Just one of those things.)

Recently, I've been questioning a lot of things in my life. Major things, that is. I always say I'm overall happy, which I suppose isn't entirely untrue. I am. I'm healthy, right? Sort of. I have great friends (who are mostly in different cities). I have a great family (who lives in another city as well). And I work for a fantastic company (of which I feel I am stuck in). Pros and cons. That's life. So what's missing? Why can't I say I'm happy and fully mean it?

I feel there is nothing left for me in this great city. I don't feel immediate progress in my professional life, and as far as my personal life goes.. well.. it's pretty much nonexistent. I go home, and I come back to an empty apartment. My roommate is always off at her boyfriend's, and my girlfriends are all busy with their own lives. My relationships with my friends have transformed into phone calls. How have I not seen this earlier? What's been making me stay?

I think a large part of it has to do with my emotional tie to him. He's everywhere I look here, and I'm reminded of our past everywhere I go. It used to be painful, but after a while, I grew very accustomed to it. These painful memories grew to be fond ones, and after many tears and much heartache, I've learned to be thankful for everything I've gotten to share with him. I'm so fortunate to have gotten to experience a love as kind and generous as ours. This city is so much more than a culturally-enriched, beautiful, lively place. It was home to us. It was where we had planned the rest of our lives together.

Now that our story has ended, there isn't a need to hold onto him anymore. I've held on for too long now to the point where my hands are burning red. There's nothing left, and I am finally okay with that. The only thing here is my job, and at this point, I feel it can be replaced. It's a great place to work, yes, but I know my capabilities, and I know I will be fine elsewhere. Right now, I feel like I'm needed at home. But most of all, I need my home.

It's time to throw in the towel, suck up my pride, and move on to the next step.

My heart is beating fast just thinking about it.