numbness eases the pain

I never wanted to be this way. I liked my old self. My fairytale-love-everybody-happy-all-the-time self. This person – this person I don’t know. I was trying to describe to someone this morning that it’s kind of like an out-of-body experience. I’m not used to feeling this way. Like, I know in my mind this is the kind of film I’d love, and I know that usually this is the part when I’d cry, but I just can’t bring myself to feel any of it. I’m usually really good at sympathizing with characters no matter how badly the actors are and overlooking the film's poor directional decisions, but I simply have not been able to muster these skills recently. I don’t really like this - who I’m becoming.

I think I've gotten to a stage where I'm just alright. I'm alright, and I'm alright with being alright. Alright? I want to be happy, but if I lose this "alright" feeling, I risk being sad, too. And that is something I can't handle right now. I can choose to fly, but if I lose my wings, I may drown. So right now, I'm just going to float on my back and be carried along the waves. And we'll all float on okay.

This doesn't make me sad in any way. It's just different. My reactions and my uncontrollable thoughts are just different. When watching a tragic scene in a movie, instead of thinking, "This is so romantic," like I usually would, I think, "It was bound to happen anyway."

Call it cynicism or anything else. I don't like the way this is making me feel. My coworker says she loves to see me like this because she feels I'm coming to closer grips with reality. Bullshit. She has just seen me happy for too long that she wants me to be miserable with everyone else. Of course, this is coming from a person who is in a serious relationship with a man who just bought a house in one of the nicest areas in Austin. Like I could believe her when she says, "It'll come when you least expect it." Or, "I used to feel like I'd never find happiness again, too." Or, "Don't worry, everything happens for a reason." Ugh. So, what's the reason for my suffering, if you don't mind me asking? I suppose it was inhumane to be as happy as I once was, and someone is now punishing me. Maybe that's why I'm scared to feel anything else. I'm terrified that if I ever am that happy again, it will only be taken away from me again in the blink of an eye. This is my mind's only form of control. It's gone into autopilot. Either I let myself be happy and get sorely disappointed later, or I let myself fall through depression and accept that life is just one big cruel joke. It's a catch-22.

What it all comes down to is I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the pain and disappointment, and so my mind has subconciously blocked any sort of emotion or feeling that might potentially lead up to that. It's a reflex now. Maybe even instinct. I only started noticing this when I realized I can't cry anymore. Me!! The queen of tears! Not one tear has been shed for over a month. Believe me, that's a record. I watched this movie where these star-crossed Romeo and Juliet-like lovers find each other, get married, expect a child, and then one of them dies. My roommate was crying her head off. Me? I stared at her blankly, turned my head back to the tv, and thought, "And this is why you shouldn't do drugs."

What happened to me? What happened to my sympathetic, empathetic, pathetic self? I miss that part of me where I become so easily emotionally attached to people/characters. I can't even enjoy a simple, girl-power infused film anymore. Something just isn't right, and it's scaring me.

I went to Whole Foods today for lunch and made myself a nice salad. I walked past the dessert bar and saw a platter of White Chocoloate Blueberry Bread Pudding. Without time for hesitation, I thought of my sleepless friend in New York. She bought this the last time she was here, and we ate it together while overlooking the Austin skyline on Mount Bonnell. I don't even really like bread pudding. I bought a scoop anyway and enjoyed it by myself in my lonely cubicle at work. I sat there taking in every tart burst of blueberry and sweet smoothness of melted white chocolate remembering better days of wrong-way turns, spontaneous spa days, and lemonberry slushes.

It's unbelievable how believable dreams can be.