goodbye DFA

I'm done.

three more days... then goodbye dfa

I can't believe it's been nearly four years since I've started at this company. I'll never forget walking into this barren office my first day on the job. Half of the office lights were turned off, all the cubicles were empty, and I was greeted by two other people, who happened to be the only two other employees. I remember thinking, "Have I made a horrible, horrible mistake?"

I was there when they broke ground for the new office. I was there when all the transferees moved from Santa Monica. I met the new hires. I met the clients. I grew close with certain coworkers and their families. And now today, I'm sitting at a desk with one of the best views of the Austin skyline. I work inside one of the most breathtaking buildings in the city, and I'm here with my friends. But, I put in my two weeks notice last week, and my last day is this coming Friday. Again, I'm back to the question, "Have I made a horrible, horrible mistake?"

Yes, it's been a great run. Yes, I've loved my job. And most importantly, I've met really amazing people and became really good friends with them. I will miss that the most. But in the end, that still wasn't not enough to keep my job. In the end, I was miserable. I can't work at a dead-end job just because I love the people here. Maybe it was ok for a while, but after seeing my friends grow, and seeing the company grow, and seeing the entire city grow, I noticed that I wasn't growing. I've grown older, of course, and maybe a little wiser, but I haven't grown in my career, and this is important to me too. Sometimes, you have step back a little to take a bigger leap.

Still, I'm going to miss everyone so much. I know I'll make new friends, but it's still hard to let go. I wish I didn't get attached so easily to people. I wish I could just peel myself off like a mailing label on an envelope. Or just file my feelings away. Har har.

Just earlier, a coworker stopped me earlier in the hall. She told me she is sad I’m leaving. Pretty standard message you tell a person when you discover he/she is leaving a company for whatever reason, right? But then, she gave me a big hug, stepped back, and had tears in her eyes! She’s a cute, fobby Asian lady who moved to Oklahoma from China with her husband and then later moved to Austin a year ago when he got a job here. I’ve talked to her before, but usually it’s just small talk, I thought. Then, she said she was sad when she heard I was moving because I was one of the only people that actually talked to her when she first started at our company. She said I was always really friendly with her, and it made her happy when she saw me because she felt comfortable to talk to me. She said she’s going to miss seeing me around the office.

I was swept with emotion. I gave her another hug and told her thank you. It made me feel good to know that I left a positive mark on this company even if it was just for one person. I mean, a huge reason why I decided to leave was because I felt unappreciated (hence, the last entry). I started feeling like I wasn't making a difference, and ever since I was young, that was what I strived for: to make a difference. This event just goes to prove what I’ve always believed in - that you never know what kind of person you’ll affect – one little gesture can make a huge difference in another person’s life. This is what I love. It's what I breathe for. This was encouraging and motivating, and it reminded me why I want to leave. Even though I've made somewhat of a mark here at the company, I know I have the potential to make a bigger one.

So, goodbye DFA. Thanks for the great times and, I suppose, the bad times, too. Without the cumulative little experiences, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'll miss everyone here. I'll miss Austin period. But I'm so, so excited about the future.

Houston, here I come!

the devil wears christian louboutin

There's a woman that I work with that can be compared to Maleficent or Satan's reincarnate. She's horrifying. To her, the only way is her way, and if you don't abide by her rules, you will be punished. She has eyes bottomless crystal blue eyes, pale skin, and long auburn hair. She speaks in an abrupt, condescending manner. And she has very expensive, yet exquisite taste. Her style is flawless. I hear she has the Nordstrom women's department bring over their new lines of clothing to her office so that she could pick out what she wants. I've never seen her wear anything other than Louboutin shoes.

Once, I crossed her path, and she didn't even flinch to yell at me in front of a group of people at work. We had a conference at work, and she was leaving to the airport. The car service was scheduled to leave at 4:00pm, but I was told to have the driver wait because there was someone else that was to be joining her on her ride to the airport. I kept her waiting outside in a taxi for 5 minutes too long, literally 5 minutes, when she walked back to the building and started yelling at me about how unacceptable it was for her to have to wait when the other person was running late. I told her it was what I was told, and she continued to yell at me. I had to leave to the bathroom to cry. It was awful.

In March, the Chicago office, where the devil woman resides, closed down. Since she brings in millions for the company, they told her she could work from home, but everyone else was let go, including her poor assistant (rather, lucky assistant!). Guess who was left to support her?

Day after day, I would receive calls from this woman. I had assignment after assignment from her. She was always criticizing what I did, and there seemed to be nothing I could do to please her. She gave a whole new meaning to high-maintenance, and I hated her for it. She made my life miserable, and she made me shudder every time I saw her name show up on my phone. If I didn't pick up (which I only tried a couple times before I realized it was actually worse to not pick up), then she would just email me every half hour before I called her back.

Life was getting worse at work. She-devil aside, I was unhappy overall with my position at the company. I decided to study and apply for grad school. Finally, I'm going to do it. I applied last week, and now I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens. Despite my acceptance into school or not, I'm going to move back home to be with my family. Therefore, it's time to say so long to Austin. It's not goodbye, but it may be a long see-you-later. I'm sad to have to close this chapter in my life, but I'm excited about what's ahead. I've been saying for a long time now that it's time for a change.

I put in my two weeks notice last Monday. Slowly, the news is being trickled down through the company. I'm getting more and more calls to meet up for lunch and where I'm going to plan my farewell happy hour. As the reality of it all sinks in, I'm torn between wishing to stay and wanting to leave. Then, I remember the devil woman, and I can't be more adamant about leaving.

Until this morning.

This morning, I got a call from her. 8:47am. She's late today. I was away from my desk but quickly returned her call when I got back. "Good morning, Carol, what can I do for you today?" Surprisingly, this is what she said:

Janice, I just heard the news. I can't believe you're leaving. We only just started working together, but I'm really going to miss you. What do you plan to do after this? Ah, I see. Well, I hope you get into whatever school you want. I am just so sad to hear this. I'm very sad you're leaving, and I hope that the person after you will do just as good of a job. We'll all miss you, but I wish you the very best of luck.

After hanging up, I checked the date to make sure it wasn't April Fool's Day. It wasn't. Oh, I know, I must have died. No, I'm still breathing. I pinched myself. Nope, not a dream either. I sat there, dumbfounded, and I thought and thought and... ooOH MY GOD! THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END! That's gotta be it!!! This is a trick, isn't it??

Her farewell note to me sunk in. Carol thinks I'm doing a good job. Then, why had she been yelling at me this whole time? Maybe despite the hard exterior, she was actually beginning to like me. Maybe? No, not maybe. She did like me. And why shouldn't she? I am a good worker, and the whole reason why I'm quitting is because I haven't been feeling appreciated by my group. I work hard, and it seems like no one is recognizing it. But Carol, she pushed and pushed and pushed me and, in the end, told me I was doing great. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually really like Carol. I hope I didn't just jinx myself, but I think Carol has taught me so much more in the last month than my entire group has taught me in the last four years of working. In my group, politics and favoritism seem to reign. For a long time, it felt like you had to get your head in someone's ass before being promoted. Everyone told me that's just what you have to do. It's part of the "rat race." But I refused to compromise myself. I don't care if that's what "everyone" has to do to get ahead. I'm not like that, and I never plan to be. So, that's a huge reason why I decided to leave. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not and pretend to like a person when I don't just to promote myself. It made me sad to think that the world was like this, but Carol taught me differently. I worked hard for her, and her approval was all I needed. She confirmed to me that hard work does pay off, and it does get appreciated in the end.

So thank you, Carol. You've restored my faith in the corporate world. All this time when I thought you were just a cold-hearted bitch, I realize now that you have to be that way in order to survive in this industry. Thank you for pushing me and telling me I did a good job. Even though you're still a cold-hearted bitch, at least you're not a heartless one, and I appreciate it. I will miss you.

what??! 2010?!?

Holy smokes! It's 2010 already, and I've yet to post a single thing on here. I can't believe I skipped the holidays, my birthday, and so much more! Whoops.

Gosh, so much has happened. So much time has passed since my first post on here. How am I feeling nowadays? Absolutely miserable! But in a good way! Allow me to explain.

You see, three or so years ago, I was writing about how horrible I felt. My heart was torn apart into pieces that could never get sewn back together, and I felt there was no more purpose in living. I was in a bad place, and I honestly didn't think I was ever going to get out of it. A small part of me probably didn't want to get out of it. That masochistic bit of me wanted to hang on to that heartaching feeling so that I could hang on to him. So that I could hang on to whatever bit of happiness I had with him. But then, that happiness faded away, and eventually (and I mean, a loooong time later), I was just hanging on to nothing. I was just hanging on to hang on. Yet, when I finally got the sense to look down and see what I was hanging on to, it was still difficult to let go. Why? I became so used to hanging on to nothing!! Ridiculous, isn't it? So then it took even MORE time to learn how to let go of everything. Once that happened, I was able to finally focus on my life.

And what a mess my life was... is, rather. I'm working at a dead end job that used to bring me satisfaction. Or maybe.. it was just that my life was just THAT dull that this miserable job was actually great compared to everything else? Bottom line is, I started to really focus on my job. Did I like it? No. Not at all. Then why am I still here? Again, we go back to comfort. It's what I know. It's what I'm used to. Essentially, women are always seeking comfort and security. I'd like to say "people" in general seek comfort and security, but I think men seek it in a different sense. Women want it emotionally. Men want it financially.

Anyway, I digress. By the time I stopped to think, "Wow, what do I have to show for my life?" it seemed way too late. I'm not doing what I love doing. Being where I am wasn't in my plan when I got out of college. This isn't my dream. I'm not happy doing what I'm doing because it's not self-fulfilling enough. There is no satisfaction in my job. But, it wasn't too late to change this.

After months of feeling down about work, I decided to do something about it. I'm signed up to take the GMATs in a little over a week, and I plan to apply to schools this year. In the meantime, I'm going to move back home to save a little more money, and hopefully, everything will start working out on its own. It took me this long to realize how far I've fallen off the beaten path. It's time to get back on and start running.

So you see, even though misery is still lingering in my life, it's a different kind of misery. It's one that has an expiration date because I can actually do something about it. While some people may argue that a broken heart is just as easily manageable, I disagree. Only time can tell when a broken heart can be fixed. But everything else? You can have total control.

There is a light at the end of this misery tunnel. I'm so close to reaching it. I feel the sun and its warmth. No more cold, lonely nights to keep me up. No more crying. No more self-pity. No more wondering "what if." No criticism, no distraction, no broken bone, spirit, or heart can stop me now. I am untouchable. And for once, in a very very long time, I feel so free.

please wait

I really hate calling a company and having to wait in line to speak to the next representative. It's the worst. I do appreciate the places that give you an approximate wait time. The nice robot lady comes on the phone and says, "We appreciate your business. Please hold, and the next available agent will be right with you. Currently, the wait time is four...ty.. five minutes." You can hear her talking when you read this, can't you?

Finally, when I think it can't get any worse, someone finally picks up the line and asks how they can help you. I begin by telling them I need to make a change to something. They say sure and ask if I can hold for a minute while they look up my information. THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ME GIVING MY INFORMATION IN THE BEGINNING OF MY CALL???? As I proceed to wait... the elevator music that I've been listening to for the past "four.. ty.. five minutes" starts up again.. and then all of a sudden, I hear the line ringing once more. "Thank you for calling, this is Mike, how can I help you?" WTF IS THIS??!?? So I say, "Umm.. I was just talking to someone and she put me on hold.. I don't know.. is there a reason she transferred my call?" He says in his middle eastern accent, "Uhh.. no ma'am. I do not know what you are talking about. My phone just ring, and I pick up. I do not know. Can I get your information please?"

It's just the worst. I hate calling in for support for whatever the reason. It's not customer support at all. It's customer stress!! It's... what can we do to make our customers never call in to complain? I hate it. And when the person is rude to you like you're wasting THEIR time when at least they're getting paid to wait.. it makes me even more upset because the truth is, they can be rude all they want. You're the one needing their help. Ugh. I hate it.

One time, I called in, and some lady told me I needed to be transferred to a different department. This was after I had waited on the line for nearly an hour. I said fine - I had no choice, really. So she transferred me to a help line for deaf people! I was thinking, "Now what did I ever do to this lady?" I had to hang up and call back. I was hoping and praying I'd get her on the line again, but it was a guy the second time around. I was so pissed.

Everyone hates telemarketers, so why do they exist? Really, why? Sometimes, it's kind of scary to get these calls. You never know who it is. There is a slight pause on the line, some static, and then a "Can I speak to the head of the household?" *shivers* Do companies actually make any money from these tactics? Is there really a profit? I propose to make this world a better place by getting rid of this job position completely.

Jerry Seinfeld had an episode when one of these telemarketers called his apartment. He picks up and tells the guy he can take his home number and call him back when he has time. Then he says, "Oh? Why not? You don't want me to call you at home? Well, now you know how I feel." One day, I've been waiting for the day to use this line.

time after bloody time

Purple told me today, "You know how when people break up and they tell you that you just need more time? Well, I think you've had enough time already."

How much is enough? Is enough enough? I wish there was some kind of relationship calculator that I can punch in the dates to give me how much time is needed to "get over" someone.

(Amount of time together) x (# of times you said I Love You) = time needed to get over it
(Amount of time dating) _ _(# of times/lies he said I Love You)

Don't forget to make sure the unit of time is consistent.

well well well... if it isn't...

Oh wait.. it's me. I'm sorry, everyone. I know it's been a while, but I'm back. Where and why I've gone so long? I don't know if I have it in me to explain. Just know that I'm sorry for the extended absence, and I will try not to let it happen again. If it's any consolation at all, I've very much missed you too.

So many things have happened, and at the same time, not much has happened at all. When was the last time I wrote? GEEZ... APRIL??!?!! If you're still reading this, you're my new bestfriend.

Updates from my January 26 entry:

1.) Study for the GMATs (I know, I know, I've been saying this forever now. Seriously this time) - check! erase... check! erase... slooowly checking again...
2.) Run at least 3 times a week - check! i was doing this for a long time. i've only stopped for the last month and a half now.. but i'm starting up again... this one wasn't so hard
3.) Go geocaching - pending
4.) Build a potato gun - pending
5.) Visit a Texas winery - check and check!
6.) Plan a deep sea fishing trip - check!
7.) Read almost every night before bedtime - sort of checking!
8.) Fish and go camping as many times as possible - didn't happen. try again in the fall
9.) Figure out if it's Houston or Austin for the next year - check! Austin wins!
10.) Learn more soup recipes - too hot for soup right now
11.) Learn French - no, but my Vietnamese is improving!
12.) Save more money - this is a big one - EPIC FAIL
13.) Drink less alcohol - check! very proud of this one
14.) Improve my piano and guitar skills - i need a new guitar
15.) Take an informal class at UT - not yet

Not too bad, I don't think! :) Obviously, the expectations I've set for myself are not that high.

Ok what else... so let's see. I've moved apartments... again... and I'm now living with Nurse. She's a doll. I love her very much. The apartment is great except for our elephant neighbors upstairs. I've gotten accustomed to the stomping, and it's only when people say, "Is that thunder outside?" that I realize they're being loud again. Maybe we deserve it since we called the fire department on them the first weekend we moved in because we smelled smoke in our apartment. But seriously, who turns on their fireplace in the middle of July? In TEXAS?!? Crazy bastards.

Saying the word "bastards" makes me want to speak in an English accent. That's my new thing these days. I don't know why. But even as I'm typing, I'm saying these words with an accent in my head. Don't deny it. I know you're doing it too now. It's bloody addicting, isn't it? I can't stop! I went to Austin Park n Pizza the other day and spoke with a British accent nearly the entire time. A girl came up to me and said, "I love your accent! Where are you from?" Caught off guard and slightly embarrassed (only slightly), I told her, "Ooohhh, I'm from London! Well, I'm from a lovely little town outside called.. uhh... Notting Hill! Have you heard of it?" I was probably red in the face, but sometimes, you just get so caught up in something so stupid, that it'd be even more stupid to try to turn back around. Luckily, she bought it. Unluckily, she kept talking to me. I made up some dumb story to excuse myself.

Gosh, I'm so lame. See? Some things never change. It's good to have you back, friends! Even more so, it's good to be back! Stay tuned!

is this a scam???

I just got this email.

Twilight movie is now casting‏

From:
www.talenthunter.com (notify@talenthunter.com)
Sent:
Tue 4/07/09 9:44 PM
To:

Hello, jas119
We are glad to inform you that member hjcasting sends you a message!

Username: hjcasting
Profile Type: Industry Professional
City/State: Hollywood, CA
View Profile: http://talenthunter.com/hjcasting

Message:
I would like to inform you that you match the criteria to be a movie extra for the new Twilight movie. Twilight is now casting Austin Talent for this nationwide casting. I took a look at your profile and I think you would be a great match for this project. This is a great opportunity whether you are a fan or just want to get some experience for your resume. The best thing about this particular casting is that there is no experience needed and you already match the criteria for submission. Please contact me so I can help with your submission for this project. I will be here every step of the way to make sure that you get the help and support you need to give you the best shot at actually landing this gig. I look forward to working with you and await your response.


So, is this a scam? In order for me to respond to him, I have to upgrade my account with TalentHunter by paying $3. Is it worth paying that much to find out if it's a scam or not? Ahhh.. I don't know what to do! Help!!

easy come, easy go

Lately, I've been having trouble thinking of topics to write about. Usually when I've written in the past, it's because I feel strongly about something. Recently, I guess I haven't really felt strongly about anything. In a way, I think that's good! I think it's progress. And I think that I've just become less stressed and less worried about things. All in all, I think I've just been happy. I haven't really let things bother me much recently, and all the "drama" and emotional stuff that happens just slides right off these days. It doesn't affect me half as much as it used to in the past. Given, I never really had to deal with all that stuff before, and once I did, I didn't know how to handle or react to it!

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I haven't been writing a lot because I've been busy being happy. Just doing the things that are making me happy and fulfilling those goals I had written about a few posts back.

In fact, once my mindset changed and once I started doing things to make myself happy, I noticed a huge transformation in the people around me as well. I feel almost as good as I used to a couple years ago, only this time, my happiness isn't dependent on another person. Once I established this for myself, it was just as people told me. Things started to fall into place, and just when I least expected it, I met someone who has potential to be more than just a someone. If I met this person a year ago, I'd probably be crazy excited and giddy over him waiting for the minute he calls or writes. But after everything I've been through, after all the hurt, and the waiting, and the tears, I know to read the "PROCEED WITH CAUTION" sign and test the dangerous waters before I jump in head first. And let's be honest. We all know I've been known to nose-dive into some pretty shallow pools. Just imagine the head trauma I've had to go through! Maybe it's timing? Actually, a lot of it is probably timing. But if you were one of the hundreds that told me everything happens for a reason, I think I've just found my reason. My reason for going through what I did in the last two years and everything else. The difference now, though, is that if it doesn't work out, I know I'm going to be just fine afterwards. This mindset, this tiny change in thinking, surprisingly plays a huge difference. It's liberating, and it's reassuring. And in some strange way, it's comforting.

Whatever happens will happen. In any case, I'm in a good place, and I can't wait to see what's in store for me. I promise I will write again soon.

to pee or not to pee

Is it strange to go to the bathroom, sit in a stall, and talk to someone in another stall? Usually, I'd only feel comfortable doing this with a close friend. Earlier today, though, an acquaintance walked in, and while she was using the bathroom (thank goodness it was just #1), she asked me a question. I had just started doing my own business, and I quickly thought, "Do I wait until after I'm done? After I flush? No, if I wait after the flush, it's too long. What do I do, what do I do?" So I just started talking. And then I realized I had to talk louder in order for the sound to overpower the... waterfall noise. It was so weird. When I get nervous, I start to ramble, and it just turned into a really awkward bathroom experience. We got out of the stalls, and she just kept talking to me. Is this normal? I wonder if they have a book on bathroom etiquette or if you're just supposed to already know these things.