even the strongest man may stumble and fall

Everyone has a weakness. An Achilles' heel. It takes strong will and discipline to not give in. Temptation is an evil seductress.

I am ashamed to say I gave in. I am weaker than him, and instead of fulfilling my promise to give him time, I shot myself in the foot and am back at square one. Maybe one and a half. I feel there was some permanent progress that was made.

I texted him. I don't know what I was looking for in return, if anything. I don't know what I expected. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt it was the right time.

What I've learned is that the idea of a potential relationship is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. What's left is merely the memory of our past. And to me, only the happy ones. That's what I've held onto. What I've also realized is that our happy times consisted of us just being together and sharing our thoughts and experiences. I have come to understand that it's not just his company that I miss, but it's the value of that company. There has not been another person who has challenged me in so many ways as him, emotionally and intellectually. I think it's why we were friends for so long. His answers are never typical, and they always catch me offguard. He intrigued me at a time in my life when I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew all guys and how they acted and how incredibly effortless it was to understand them. How arrogant and naive a young teenager can be! And shamefully, I bored too easily with each new guy. Yet, he stood out amongst the crowd. To this day, he still continues to do so.

I miss his friendship terribly. And this longing for his company has only become worse in the recent weeks. Why is this so? There hasn't been any change in my life for the past half year. But maybe that's it. Maybe it's the change that I so crave. Maybe it's always been in my nature to change, though I fear change with a passion. And maybe I fear it because I know it's inevitable, and I can't control it.

My text to him:
I miss you. I wish we were still bestfriends and talked. I just wanted you to know that. It's been months and nothing has seemed to change. But I'm still trying as I promised I would. I hope things are getting better for you.

Again, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what to expect. But just reaching out to him made me feel something again. Instead of the numbness I've been feeling to get by every day, I felt something. I don't know what it was, but I felt something. And to me, that was good enough to know that I made the right choice.

He didn't text back, and because I was secretly afraid he never would, I turned off my phone and took the first chance I could to fall asleep as the sandman was passing by. I awoke the next morning to find nine messages on my phone. Two of which were his.

His text:
I can't even begin to describe how much I struggle every day to decide if I should call you. Even though you're continuously on my mind, I believe this is what's right for me at the moment. There's many wonderful memories I cherish, and at the same time many hurtful memories that continue to haunt me. Your new office looks nice, I drive by it every day. I was pleasantly surprised to find the penguins commingling with the flamingos. I hope all is well on your end. Please have faith in my decision as I have in your strength.

Sigh. What did you do to yourself, Janice? What did you do?

I wrote him an email, but I've yet to send it. I'm scared. Is it too much? Am I pushing it? Have I dealt my last hand?

Strangely, my mother just called me. Just right now. She told me to be careful because she had a bad dream about me last night. She dreamt the police caught me for doing something, and she just said she feels like something bad is about to happen to me.

Interesting. Mother's intuition? Or just a silly dream?

I'm a masochist. As much as it pained me to read what he wrote, my heart was overjoyed that he even wrote back. Is it enough? Of course not. It never will be.

Only the most hopeless drug addict could know how I feel right now.