Since I can remember, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have always been one of my favorite things to eat. I love peanut butter and jelly. Well, I love peanut butter. Sometimes, I can do without the jelly. So simple, so filling, so sweet, and best of all... so cheap!
Anyway, not only is it remarkably delicious and affordable, but I always hear in nutrition magazines that peanut butter is actually good for you! Fantastic!! I was like, "Nice! I'm going to eat this every day for lunch! Maybe even for breakfast, too! Oh what the hey, why not three times a day?!" It was awesome. I was totally excited. Although, jelly can't particular be that great for you, so I decided that at times, I would just cut back on the jelly altogether.
So one day, I was conversing with a dear cousin of mine, and the topic of peanut butter came up. I told her about how I had been eating peanut butter sandwiches at lunch, and she was like, "You know that you have to get all-natural peanut butter for it to be healthy, right? The peanut butter with hydrogenated oils in them are actually bad for you."
Oohhhh crap.
I turned to my desk drawer and lifted up my jar of Simply JIF and sat at my desk in bewilderment. But... it's simply JIF! It has less sodium and 33% less sugar than regular JIF! Choosy moms choose JIF!!! What's going on in the world?!???
Being the curious cat and practicing health nut that I am, I start my research: "H-y-d-r-o-g-e-n-a-t-e-d o-i-l-s." Wikipedia is my bestfriend.
For once in my life, I was surprisingly happy I took organic chemistry. Yes, I was glad I suffered through two semesters of torture to learn the breaking and bonding of molecules because for once, just this once, it actually came in handy. HA HA! Can you believe it, Dr. Krische? Me, happy to take ochem! I never thought I'd live to see the day. Congratulations, universe. You win.
*Warning: nerd alert ahead*
So basically, hydrogenation is the process in which hydrogen atoms are added to saturate a compound - meaning it changes the compound to reach a higher concentration point. In foods, hydrogenation is often used to process oils changing the fatty acids from unsaturated to saturated. Most of the time, only partial hydrogenation is done to vegetable oils, and due to this, many unsaturated carbon bonds are left. This is dangerous to our health because these unsaturated carbon bonds have the potential to isomerize, or change shape, and this kind of bonding is found to be linked to heart disease. The shape that the molecules change to is called the trans configuration. Versus the cis configuration, trans is more difficult to break up. Therefore, your body stores this trans fat and is unable to easily break it down to change the fat into energy. Hence why you hear trans fat is bad for you.
In conclusion, don't buy peanut butter with partially hydrogenated oils.
This turned out to be a predicament. What am I to do now?? Then, it dawned on me. Of course! I will go to Central Market to find a healthy alternative to dangerous peanut butter. My quest was to find the best natural peanut butter out there.
My friends, I tried everything. From making my own peanut butter in Central Market's bulk section to some no name natural brand of peanut butter, I was constantly searching for and trying out new kinds of natural peanut butter. The problem with natural peanut butter is that it collects oil at the top of the jar because all the natural oils from the peanuts float to the top. Every time I'm about to eat it, I am forced to use my butter knife to mix the entire jar so that I'm not just spreading peanut oil all over my slice of bread. Ew.. gross. I was so sad. Not to mention, the taste of crushed peanuts isn't the most appealing flavor in the world. I started to use more jelly than peanut butter to overpower the taste, but that defeats the whole purpose of a "healthy" sandwich!
After many months of searching, I was about ready to quit. I stopped analyzing the different jars of peanut butter in the aisles of grocery stores. I stopped looking online for alternatives. I stopped eating peanut butter. I told myself that it was probably for the best anyway. If I couldn't eat it the natural and healthy way, I would just have to give it up.
But then, this past week, I went to the gigantic HEB next to my new apartment. It is a very nice location, and I shopped there for the first time. I really enjoy grocery shopping, and this newfound place was pretty nice. I like to familiarize myself with local marketplaces because I know I will be spending a lot of time there during my visits.
I walked past the bread/peanut butter aisle, and I couldn't help but stop. I browsed through the selection not really expecting to find much (I mean, come on, it's HEB. What could they possibly have that Central or Whole Foods wouldn't have?). My gosh, how much further from the truth could I have been?? There in front of me, was a small jar of "Skippy Natural Peanut Butter."
"What's this?" I wondered. I read the nutrition facts and could not believe what I was seeing. Could this be? "No need to stir. No trans fat per serving. No oily mess." What?? What am I missing here? Brands like Skippy, JIF, and Peter Pan don't make natural peanut butter! Do they? Test #1 - nutritional value: check.
Immediately, I added it to my cart and rushed home. I opened up the jar, and sure enough, there was no oily substance floating at the top. Test#2 - no oily residue: check. Once opened, I grabbed a spoon and dipped into the smooth surface of this creamy substance. Test#3 - taste: hmm... HMMM... check and check!
I found the winner. Skippy Natural contains roasted peanuts, palm oil (which is not a hydrogenated oil), sugar, and salt. Yes, it could probably do better without the sugar, but I think this is way closer to health and good flavor than the other 20 brands I've tried.
No longer will I be deprived of peanut butter. Given the Chef's Best Taste Award in 2008, I will be a loyal and devoted customer until the day I find something better, which doesn't look promising anytime in the near future.
Finally, I can throw away the 10 different jars of jelly I have piled up in my fridge.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
and then... the impossible was possible
He called me.
I had just gotten home, turned off the engine, and there they were. Those familiar digits that I've typed and retyped and deleted so many times but actually never made the call. Finally, they were calling me.
Immediately, all kinds of theories and thoughts raced through my mind. "He's probably misdialing me." "Maybe I'm hallucinating." "Maybe I'm dreaming." "Maybe it's not him.. maybe it's the new owner of this number." "Maybe I should pick up." "What if I wake up?"
I pick up the phone, and I hear silence. Reality struck, and I thought, "I guess he did call by accident." The phone barely leaves my ear to hang up when I hear, "Hello?"
I froze.
In the middle of the street, outside my apartment complex, with a backpack slung over my shoulders, I stood there - motionless - waiting for anything to hit me.
"Hello? Can you hear me?" the ghost said.
"Hello," I responded.
Blood started to rush through me again, and I slowly walked up the steps to my door. His voice was warm, smooth, gentle, and insatiably sweet. The sound was so foreign but simultaneously so familiar as if I'd been hearing it every day.
We talked about our family, what we've been up to these days, and small random things. I think we both tried to make it seem like it was just the night before that we last spoke when in reality has been over half a year. Where did the time go?
I think it was a defense mechanism, but I was the one who ended the conversation. God knows I could have stayed up three more days speaking to him. But after only half an hour, I told him I should probably get to bed soon. The dreadful silence crept up on us again.
"Thank you for calling me. It was really nice to hear from you. I'm glad to hear everything is going well," I said to break the muteness on the other side of the phone, "Goodnight."
As the phone hesitantly left my ear, I heard, "Wait... Janice..."
My heart stung at the sound of my name leaving his lips. Again, I was caught breathless as I sat there listening to what he wanted to say next. What did he want? What more does he need? I tried to keep my cool, I tried to understand why he left me, I tried to figure why he's now calling me after so many nights of playing over and over and over and over again where I went wrong... after so many days going through my head how it was so easy to forget me... why I wasn't enough. What more does he want from me?
He says I have no idea how difficult it has been for him to not pick up the phone and call me every day. He says he misses our friendship, too, and that if I can truly believe there could be nothing more than friendship between us, then I am free to call him every now and then if I wanted to. He asked me if I understood.
I didn't say much except told him I knew how he felt. After that, I just said again, "It was good hearing from you. Thank you again for calling me. I feel better knowing you're happy and that everything is going better for you. Take care..." I couldn't say his name.
He told me goodnight. I told him goodbye.
It's funny because I've wished this for so long. I've wished and wished for him to call me, and when he finally does, I have nothing to say to him. It finally happened, and now I'm not so sure if I'm glad it did. I was neither sad or happy. I was just in a daze. I was in shock. I felt it didn't really happen.
I slept on my side of the bed as always, leaving his side empty. I haven't taken up the entire bed in over a year and a half now. Thinking back, the only times I took up the whole bed was when I was upset at him. Haha.
Even to this day when I have people sleep over, I never let them lay on his side. I stared at the empty space next to me and touched his pillow trying to remember what it felt like to run my fingers through his hair. I tried to trace the outline of his head and tried to picture the way he looked sleeping on his side - his back turned to me. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly to see if I could catch his scent when the air condition turned on and blew it my way.
But there was nothing there. Only the memory of our last conversation lingered in the air. Suddenly, my entire room felt so empty. And again, I was alone.
He said I can call him. Do I want to? Of course. But am I going to?
I doubt it. I can't do it. I can't just pick up from where we left off.
And just like that, it hit me. All the pain and hurt I've been going through came crashing back again. Why do I have to be the one to give in so easily when it was me he left? When it was me suffering this entire time? Sure, he has probably been hurt, too. Sure, he's probably also been emotionally scarred. But wasn't I the one to ask him to come back? Wasn't I the one who didn't want it to end? Wasn't I the one who was left behind while he continued on with his life? Wasn't he the one to tell me never to speak to him again? To move on? Wasn't he the one to forget me when I asked him - begged him - to remember it was his bestfriend he was speaking to? Who is he to waltz back into my life so easily? So casually?
It's not fair.
Still, I do miss him. But maybe I can just live with his memory for just a little longer. I can survive with just the thought of him a while more. I'm not ready to have him back in my life no matter what kind of level it is he wants despite my desperate desire for it.
I'm so overwhelmed with everything right now. I'm so stressed with all these things going on that my mind has just gone blank. I can't process a full thought, and it hurts to focus.
I'm about to hit my limit.
I had just gotten home, turned off the engine, and there they were. Those familiar digits that I've typed and retyped and deleted so many times but actually never made the call. Finally, they were calling me.
Immediately, all kinds of theories and thoughts raced through my mind. "He's probably misdialing me." "Maybe I'm hallucinating." "Maybe I'm dreaming." "Maybe it's not him.. maybe it's the new owner of this number." "Maybe I should pick up." "What if I wake up?"
I pick up the phone, and I hear silence. Reality struck, and I thought, "I guess he did call by accident." The phone barely leaves my ear to hang up when I hear, "Hello?"
I froze.
In the middle of the street, outside my apartment complex, with a backpack slung over my shoulders, I stood there - motionless - waiting for anything to hit me.
"Hello? Can you hear me?" the ghost said.
"Hello," I responded.
Blood started to rush through me again, and I slowly walked up the steps to my door. His voice was warm, smooth, gentle, and insatiably sweet. The sound was so foreign but simultaneously so familiar as if I'd been hearing it every day.
We talked about our family, what we've been up to these days, and small random things. I think we both tried to make it seem like it was just the night before that we last spoke when in reality has been over half a year. Where did the time go?
I think it was a defense mechanism, but I was the one who ended the conversation. God knows I could have stayed up three more days speaking to him. But after only half an hour, I told him I should probably get to bed soon. The dreadful silence crept up on us again.
"Thank you for calling me. It was really nice to hear from you. I'm glad to hear everything is going well," I said to break the muteness on the other side of the phone, "Goodnight."
As the phone hesitantly left my ear, I heard, "Wait... Janice..."
My heart stung at the sound of my name leaving his lips. Again, I was caught breathless as I sat there listening to what he wanted to say next. What did he want? What more does he need? I tried to keep my cool, I tried to understand why he left me, I tried to figure why he's now calling me after so many nights of playing over and over and over and over again where I went wrong... after so many days going through my head how it was so easy to forget me... why I wasn't enough. What more does he want from me?
He says I have no idea how difficult it has been for him to not pick up the phone and call me every day. He says he misses our friendship, too, and that if I can truly believe there could be nothing more than friendship between us, then I am free to call him every now and then if I wanted to. He asked me if I understood.
I didn't say much except told him I knew how he felt. After that, I just said again, "It was good hearing from you. Thank you again for calling me. I feel better knowing you're happy and that everything is going better for you. Take care..." I couldn't say his name.
He told me goodnight. I told him goodbye.
It's funny because I've wished this for so long. I've wished and wished for him to call me, and when he finally does, I have nothing to say to him. It finally happened, and now I'm not so sure if I'm glad it did. I was neither sad or happy. I was just in a daze. I was in shock. I felt it didn't really happen.
I slept on my side of the bed as always, leaving his side empty. I haven't taken up the entire bed in over a year and a half now. Thinking back, the only times I took up the whole bed was when I was upset at him. Haha.
Even to this day when I have people sleep over, I never let them lay on his side. I stared at the empty space next to me and touched his pillow trying to remember what it felt like to run my fingers through his hair. I tried to trace the outline of his head and tried to picture the way he looked sleeping on his side - his back turned to me. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly to see if I could catch his scent when the air condition turned on and blew it my way.
But there was nothing there. Only the memory of our last conversation lingered in the air. Suddenly, my entire room felt so empty. And again, I was alone.
He said I can call him. Do I want to? Of course. But am I going to?
I doubt it. I can't do it. I can't just pick up from where we left off.
And just like that, it hit me. All the pain and hurt I've been going through came crashing back again. Why do I have to be the one to give in so easily when it was me he left? When it was me suffering this entire time? Sure, he has probably been hurt, too. Sure, he's probably also been emotionally scarred. But wasn't I the one to ask him to come back? Wasn't I the one who didn't want it to end? Wasn't I the one who was left behind while he continued on with his life? Wasn't he the one to tell me never to speak to him again? To move on? Wasn't he the one to forget me when I asked him - begged him - to remember it was his bestfriend he was speaking to? Who is he to waltz back into my life so easily? So casually?
It's not fair.
Still, I do miss him. But maybe I can just live with his memory for just a little longer. I can survive with just the thought of him a while more. I'm not ready to have him back in my life no matter what kind of level it is he wants despite my desperate desire for it.
I'm so overwhelmed with everything right now. I'm so stressed with all these things going on that my mind has just gone blank. I can't process a full thought, and it hurts to focus.
I'm about to hit my limit.
Monday, September 29, 2008
five years in a blink of an eye
A handful of years ago, someone close was taken away from me and my family.
You've never known regret until you've completely lost the chance to mend your wrongs with someone you love. I'm not talking about breaking up with someone and not receiving closure. I'm not talking about moving away and not keeping in touch with your friends. I'm talking about not having the chance to say, "I'm sorry," or "Forgive me," or "I miss you," or "I love you forever" before that person is never able to hear those words again from your lips.
It still pains my heart that there is so much that was left unsaid to him, and it still hurts me just as much as it did that ominous day learning that he left us without anyone there by his side. As wild as my imagination, I can't even begin to fathom that kind of feeling he must have felt.
We were wrong to argue so much over such trivial things. We were wrong to live so many days unspoken and carry on as if the other did not exist. We were wrong to let the deep cuts and sores sting worse and worse as the years progressed.
I know you know we love you because you can hear it in our hearts. I know you know we're sorry because you saw the tears we've shed. I know you know we still hold you deep in our memories because we miss you terribly and think of you continuously. And we know you have forgiven us and still love us because you have protected us for five years from any harm. You've helped us grow closer as a family, and you've guided us through the roughest of times.
I've sworn to you that I will never let it happen again. I will never leave someone I love on bad terms, and I will always openly express my love to the people I care most about in the world. Please continue to help me carry through my promise.
Cheers to yellow submarines and "elefantes," cigarettes and washing cars in the rain. This glass of wine is for you. I miss you, uncle.
You've never known regret until you've completely lost the chance to mend your wrongs with someone you love. I'm not talking about breaking up with someone and not receiving closure. I'm not talking about moving away and not keeping in touch with your friends. I'm talking about not having the chance to say, "I'm sorry," or "Forgive me," or "I miss you," or "I love you forever" before that person is never able to hear those words again from your lips.
It still pains my heart that there is so much that was left unsaid to him, and it still hurts me just as much as it did that ominous day learning that he left us without anyone there by his side. As wild as my imagination, I can't even begin to fathom that kind of feeling he must have felt.
We were wrong to argue so much over such trivial things. We were wrong to live so many days unspoken and carry on as if the other did not exist. We were wrong to let the deep cuts and sores sting worse and worse as the years progressed.
I know you know we love you because you can hear it in our hearts. I know you know we're sorry because you saw the tears we've shed. I know you know we still hold you deep in our memories because we miss you terribly and think of you continuously. And we know you have forgiven us and still love us because you have protected us for five years from any harm. You've helped us grow closer as a family, and you've guided us through the roughest of times.
I've sworn to you that I will never let it happen again. I will never leave someone I love on bad terms, and I will always openly express my love to the people I care most about in the world. Please continue to help me carry through my promise.
Cheers to yellow submarines and "elefantes," cigarettes and washing cars in the rain. This glass of wine is for you. I miss you, uncle.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
new season, new domain, new budget
It's the second official day of autumn. I can feel the change in the weather. The mornings and nights are a little cooler, and the days are slowly starting to be shorter. Every day, the sun sets just a couple minutes earlier than the last. I only notice this because I'm still fasting. Yes, it's been almost a week and a half now, and I'm still going strong. I won the bet, and I proved to my coworkers that I can totally do it. It feels good to win. Not only that, but I feel good, so I decided to continue on with it through the end of the month. It's almost second nature to me now, and I don't think about food as often. Hopefully, that's a good thing.
My apologies to those of you who are loyal to my blog. I know I changed the domain name suddenly, but I have my reasons. In case I have not made this clear, or in case you were unfamiliar with the unspoken law of internet blogging and online journals, what I write about in this "diary" is a very personal expression of my feelings and ideas. I'm not here to preach. I'm not here to win your heart or gain your pity. I'm not here to brag. I'm not here to reprimand. This journal has been used as a medium to practice my writing skills as well as release whatever tension and stress I've been feeling by using simple words as best I can to try to convey all the rantings of a hopeless lunatic. I trust in you, my devoted reader, to keep what you read in private, and I hope that if you are going through the same things, if you know someone going through the same things, or even if you're just reading for entertainment because you enjoy my writing style or like feeling superior to my pathetic life, then you will understand that what I write about is very dear to my heart. My word is valuable to me and has been entrusted into your hands alone. Please take good care of it.
On another note, I've been trying to budget my money for the past six months, and for some reason, I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. Why can't I seem to save up? I mean, I do, but not nearly as much as I'd like to. Something always comes up. I keep praying that my time will come that everything will just fall into place, but sometimes, things just keep getting worse for their own reasons. Thank you for the few of you who still manage to take the time to write me old-fashioned letters in the mail. It's so refreshing to receive an envelope in the mail that doesn't read "make payments to" etc etc. I love old-fashioned everythings.
I'm craving pizza. T-minus 16 days...
My apologies to those of you who are loyal to my blog. I know I changed the domain name suddenly, but I have my reasons. In case I have not made this clear, or in case you were unfamiliar with the unspoken law of internet blogging and online journals, what I write about in this "diary" is a very personal expression of my feelings and ideas. I'm not here to preach. I'm not here to win your heart or gain your pity. I'm not here to brag. I'm not here to reprimand. This journal has been used as a medium to practice my writing skills as well as release whatever tension and stress I've been feeling by using simple words as best I can to try to convey all the rantings of a hopeless lunatic. I trust in you, my devoted reader, to keep what you read in private, and I hope that if you are going through the same things, if you know someone going through the same things, or even if you're just reading for entertainment because you enjoy my writing style or like feeling superior to my pathetic life, then you will understand that what I write about is very dear to my heart. My word is valuable to me and has been entrusted into your hands alone. Please take good care of it.
On another note, I've been trying to budget my money for the past six months, and for some reason, I still don't know what I'm doing wrong. Why can't I seem to save up? I mean, I do, but not nearly as much as I'd like to. Something always comes up. I keep praying that my time will come that everything will just fall into place, but sometimes, things just keep getting worse for their own reasons. Thank you for the few of you who still manage to take the time to write me old-fashioned letters in the mail. It's so refreshing to receive an envelope in the mail that doesn't read "make payments to" etc etc. I love old-fashioned everythings.
I'm craving pizza. T-minus 16 days...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
feast fasting
Last Friday, I was talking to a friend who is fasting for Ramadan. In support of her, I told her I'd fast with her for a day and then planned to have a celebratory dinner with her at sunset. She was thrilled and quickly added under her breath, "Yeah, you probably couldn't do it for more than a day anyway." I was like, "Excuse me? Umm... yes, I can." She looked at me skeptically, and a mischievous smiled curved across her face. "I bet you can't last a week," she challenged. I thought about it for a second and then said, "A week? Pffft. That's nothing. What do you want to bet on?" We decided that the loser has to cook a dinner for the winner - winner's choice of menu.
Along with fasting, I'm supposed to refrain from other things as well.
1.) Cursing - A little difficult.
2.) Sexual activity - Easy.
3.) Sexual thoughts - Hmm..
4.) Insults - This one is going to be tough.
5.) Holding onto grudges, bad thoughts, bad memories - Uh oh.
In the act of fasting, one is supposed to cleanse one's mind along with the body. You are to reach a Zen-like phase and rise as a "newborn" person at the end of the month. In addition, the last ten minutes before sundown is supposed to be a spiritual experience. You are to have your food and drinks in front of you so that you can reflect on how fortunate you are. You should be grateful for the simple things you have in life, like food, and you are to think about the millions of people in the world who don't have the choice of fasting or who don't have the luxury of a meal in front of them at sunset. This should make you mentally happier and at ease to realize and appreciate all the good things you possess in your life.
It's Day 2. I'm doing okay. Mind over body. I do feel a bit fatigued by 5:30pm, but it's not too terrible. On a brighter note, I do feel a big change in my mentality. I feel happier, and I feel refreshed despite the lack of energy. My boss is making fun of me saying it's probably just the lightheaded side effect of hypoglycemia. Har har har. No one thinks I can do it, but I truly believe I can. I feel like it's such a small feat to accomplish, and compared to the chaos I've been going through, this will be a breeze. I think.
I've had a chance to reflect on myself. It's ironic how much clarity you receive in your head while your body is being malnutritioned (or rather "detoxified"). I thought about my life and the way I've come to view certain aspects of it. For instance, I've been unhappy with a lot of things lately, but the point is, I've been unhappy, period. I wondered why this is so. I tried to analyze the exact moment when my ideologies changed and when I became such a pessimist. Okay, maybe I know what triggered it, but what happened that made it stick with me? A lot of bad things have happened to me in the past, so why couldn't I overcome this obstacle? I know, I know. It's something everyone's been telling me for forever now. "It's all in the mind." I just need to learn how to control it. Well, you should know by now that my mind has a mind of its own! It's crazy! I'm crazy! My mind and I are crazy together! But during these last couple days, I feel like my mind and I have come to an agreement. We don't want to be miserable anymore. So, I think we're going to try to work together and come up with a different plan. What is that plan? I'm not quite sure yet, but if it involves starvation (I mean, fasting), then so be it! I will tire my body so much that it will force my mind to work with me!
Come to think of it, I wonder if there are any books on this. You know, there aren't that many books written from an angry woman's perspective. Let me rephrase - not many books depicting the events of what makes a woman, what turns a woman, into an angry person. There are books written by bitter, jealous women who document how great they've changed and what they've done to make the change to become successful and happy. But what about the other way around? I mean, think about this. There are so many great women out there, but so many of them have been wronged in different ways. What about those good, I mean really good, whole-hearted women that have bad events happen to them, and that, in time, forces them to question their morals and beliefs on love and life? Are women not innately cruel? Or is it society that does not allow us to be outspokenly cold, vulgar, and cynical? I'd like to be that person to write a book about the good girl whose high hopes and dreams come crashing down and obliterated. There is no book out there cataloguing the events that lead to a woman's ruin, only her success. Think "Jude the Obscure." I want the world to understand and empathize with the fact that it's not us that are broken and miserable, but it's the world itself that turns us that way.
Bestseller? It's a work in progress. Stay tuned for a happy ending.
Along with fasting, I'm supposed to refrain from other things as well.
1.) Cursing - A little difficult.
2.) Sexual activity - Easy.
3.) Sexual thoughts - Hmm..
4.) Insults - This one is going to be tough.
5.) Holding onto grudges, bad thoughts, bad memories - Uh oh.
In the act of fasting, one is supposed to cleanse one's mind along with the body. You are to reach a Zen-like phase and rise as a "newborn" person at the end of the month. In addition, the last ten minutes before sundown is supposed to be a spiritual experience. You are to have your food and drinks in front of you so that you can reflect on how fortunate you are. You should be grateful for the simple things you have in life, like food, and you are to think about the millions of people in the world who don't have the choice of fasting or who don't have the luxury of a meal in front of them at sunset. This should make you mentally happier and at ease to realize and appreciate all the good things you possess in your life.
It's Day 2. I'm doing okay. Mind over body. I do feel a bit fatigued by 5:30pm, but it's not too terrible. On a brighter note, I do feel a big change in my mentality. I feel happier, and I feel refreshed despite the lack of energy. My boss is making fun of me saying it's probably just the lightheaded side effect of hypoglycemia. Har har har. No one thinks I can do it, but I truly believe I can. I feel like it's such a small feat to accomplish, and compared to the chaos I've been going through, this will be a breeze. I think.
I've had a chance to reflect on myself. It's ironic how much clarity you receive in your head while your body is being malnutritioned (or rather "detoxified"). I thought about my life and the way I've come to view certain aspects of it. For instance, I've been unhappy with a lot of things lately, but the point is, I've been unhappy, period. I wondered why this is so. I tried to analyze the exact moment when my ideologies changed and when I became such a pessimist. Okay, maybe I know what triggered it, but what happened that made it stick with me? A lot of bad things have happened to me in the past, so why couldn't I overcome this obstacle? I know, I know. It's something everyone's been telling me for forever now. "It's all in the mind." I just need to learn how to control it. Well, you should know by now that my mind has a mind of its own! It's crazy! I'm crazy! My mind and I are crazy together! But during these last couple days, I feel like my mind and I have come to an agreement. We don't want to be miserable anymore. So, I think we're going to try to work together and come up with a different plan. What is that plan? I'm not quite sure yet, but if it involves starvation (I mean, fasting), then so be it! I will tire my body so much that it will force my mind to work with me!
Come to think of it, I wonder if there are any books on this. You know, there aren't that many books written from an angry woman's perspective. Let me rephrase - not many books depicting the events of what makes a woman, what turns a woman, into an angry person. There are books written by bitter, jealous women who document how great they've changed and what they've done to make the change to become successful and happy. But what about the other way around? I mean, think about this. There are so many great women out there, but so many of them have been wronged in different ways. What about those good, I mean really good, whole-hearted women that have bad events happen to them, and that, in time, forces them to question their morals and beliefs on love and life? Are women not innately cruel? Or is it society that does not allow us to be outspokenly cold, vulgar, and cynical? I'd like to be that person to write a book about the good girl whose high hopes and dreams come crashing down and obliterated. There is no book out there cataloguing the events that lead to a woman's ruin, only her success. Think "Jude the Obscure." I want the world to understand and empathize with the fact that it's not us that are broken and miserable, but it's the world itself that turns us that way.
Bestseller? It's a work in progress. Stay tuned for a happy ending.
Friday, September 12, 2008
even the strongest man may stumble and fall
Everyone has a weakness. An Achilles' heel. It takes strong will and discipline to not give in. Temptation is an evil seductress.
I am ashamed to say I gave in. I am weaker than him, and instead of fulfilling my promise to give him time, I shot myself in the foot and am back at square one. Maybe one and a half. I feel there was some permanent progress that was made.
I texted him. I don't know what I was looking for in return, if anything. I don't know what I expected. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt it was the right time.
What I've learned is that the idea of a potential relationship is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. What's left is merely the memory of our past. And to me, only the happy ones. That's what I've held onto. What I've also realized is that our happy times consisted of us just being together and sharing our thoughts and experiences. I have come to understand that it's not just his company that I miss, but it's the value of that company. There has not been another person who has challenged me in so many ways as him, emotionally and intellectually. I think it's why we were friends for so long. His answers are never typical, and they always catch me offguard. He intrigued me at a time in my life when I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew all guys and how they acted and how incredibly effortless it was to understand them. How arrogant and naive a young teenager can be! And shamefully, I bored too easily with each new guy. Yet, he stood out amongst the crowd. To this day, he still continues to do so.
I miss his friendship terribly. And this longing for his company has only become worse in the recent weeks. Why is this so? There hasn't been any change in my life for the past half year. But maybe that's it. Maybe it's the change that I so crave. Maybe it's always been in my nature to change, though I fear change with a passion. And maybe I fear it because I know it's inevitable, and I can't control it.
My text to him:
I miss you. I wish we were still bestfriends and talked. I just wanted you to know that. It's been months and nothing has seemed to change. But I'm still trying as I promised I would. I hope things are getting better for you.
Again, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what to expect. But just reaching out to him made me feel something again. Instead of the numbness I've been feeling to get by every day, I felt something. I don't know what it was, but I felt something. And to me, that was good enough to know that I made the right choice.
He didn't text back, and because I was secretly afraid he never would, I turned off my phone and took the first chance I could to fall asleep as the sandman was passing by. I awoke the next morning to find nine messages on my phone. Two of which were his.
His text:
I can't even begin to describe how much I struggle every day to decide if I should call you. Even though you're continuously on my mind, I believe this is what's right for me at the moment. There's many wonderful memories I cherish, and at the same time many hurtful memories that continue to haunt me. Your new office looks nice, I drive by it every day. I was pleasantly surprised to find the penguins commingling with the flamingos. I hope all is well on your end. Please have faith in my decision as I have in your strength.
Sigh. What did you do to yourself, Janice? What did you do?
I wrote him an email, but I've yet to send it. I'm scared. Is it too much? Am I pushing it? Have I dealt my last hand?
Strangely, my mother just called me. Just right now. She told me to be careful because she had a bad dream about me last night. She dreamt the police caught me for doing something, and she just said she feels like something bad is about to happen to me.
Interesting. Mother's intuition? Or just a silly dream?
I'm a masochist. As much as it pained me to read what he wrote, my heart was overjoyed that he even wrote back. Is it enough? Of course not. It never will be.
Only the most hopeless drug addict could know how I feel right now.
I am ashamed to say I gave in. I am weaker than him, and instead of fulfilling my promise to give him time, I shot myself in the foot and am back at square one. Maybe one and a half. I feel there was some permanent progress that was made.
I texted him. I don't know what I was looking for in return, if anything. I don't know what I expected. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt it was the right time.
What I've learned is that the idea of a potential relationship is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. What's left is merely the memory of our past. And to me, only the happy ones. That's what I've held onto. What I've also realized is that our happy times consisted of us just being together and sharing our thoughts and experiences. I have come to understand that it's not just his company that I miss, but it's the value of that company. There has not been another person who has challenged me in so many ways as him, emotionally and intellectually. I think it's why we were friends for so long. His answers are never typical, and they always catch me offguard. He intrigued me at a time in my life when I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew all guys and how they acted and how incredibly effortless it was to understand them. How arrogant and naive a young teenager can be! And shamefully, I bored too easily with each new guy. Yet, he stood out amongst the crowd. To this day, he still continues to do so.
I miss his friendship terribly. And this longing for his company has only become worse in the recent weeks. Why is this so? There hasn't been any change in my life for the past half year. But maybe that's it. Maybe it's the change that I so crave. Maybe it's always been in my nature to change, though I fear change with a passion. And maybe I fear it because I know it's inevitable, and I can't control it.
My text to him:
I miss you. I wish we were still bestfriends and talked. I just wanted you to know that. It's been months and nothing has seemed to change. But I'm still trying as I promised I would. I hope things are getting better for you.
Again, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what to expect. But just reaching out to him made me feel something again. Instead of the numbness I've been feeling to get by every day, I felt something. I don't know what it was, but I felt something. And to me, that was good enough to know that I made the right choice.
He didn't text back, and because I was secretly afraid he never would, I turned off my phone and took the first chance I could to fall asleep as the sandman was passing by. I awoke the next morning to find nine messages on my phone. Two of which were his.
His text:
I can't even begin to describe how much I struggle every day to decide if I should call you. Even though you're continuously on my mind, I believe this is what's right for me at the moment. There's many wonderful memories I cherish, and at the same time many hurtful memories that continue to haunt me. Your new office looks nice, I drive by it every day. I was pleasantly surprised to find the penguins commingling with the flamingos. I hope all is well on your end. Please have faith in my decision as I have in your strength.
Sigh. What did you do to yourself, Janice? What did you do?
I wrote him an email, but I've yet to send it. I'm scared. Is it too much? Am I pushing it? Have I dealt my last hand?
Strangely, my mother just called me. Just right now. She told me to be careful because she had a bad dream about me last night. She dreamt the police caught me for doing something, and she just said she feels like something bad is about to happen to me.
Interesting. Mother's intuition? Or just a silly dream?
I'm a masochist. As much as it pained me to read what he wrote, my heart was overjoyed that he even wrote back. Is it enough? Of course not. It never will be.
Only the most hopeless drug addict could know how I feel right now.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
it's like rain on your wedding day
Sometimes, I can still hear him clearly in my head.
Hurricane Ike is on its way to Houston. I feel like it's Hurricane Rita all over again. Although this time, Ike is predicted to really hit Houston. I am afraid. Ironically, though, this time my family is not moving. They're saying, "Screw the 15 hour drive to Austin. We're just going to take our chances." I always feel it's better to be safe than sorry. Usually, I'd just agree with them, but I think they've molded me to where I'm now afraid of everything.
My family has a mailing list that we use to send emails to each other. On slow days, my inbox is flooded with forwards and replies. My oldest uncle is known for sending out random forwards of chain mail and pictures. Other times, the emails consist of warnings about burglaries or shootings. Sometimes, there are emails about interesting news posted on CNN. A lot of the times, they would send out emails that they receive from God-knows-who about urban legends and myths. The most recent one was about not drinking from water bottles that you leave in your car because the heated plastic can cause cancer. I mean, come on. First of all, what doesn't cause cancer these days? And second of all, check out snopes.com. Another time, I got an email about men who stay and wait underneath women's cars in parking lots, and when the women come back to their cars, the men would slit their ankles, take advantage of them, and steal their stuff. The stories almost seem so exaggerated and too unbelievable to not be true! So unbelievable that it's believable. Not to mention, my crazy mother would call me on random days with random "facts" about random things just to instill fear into my heart. I think it's their "subtle" way of warning me not to go anywhere or do anything. They want me to become rich and successful without ever leaving the comforts of my home.
9:45pm on a Wednesday night while I'm at home alone:
"Janice. I forgot to tell you earlier. Don't play golf in the rain because lightning will strike you, and you will die."
"Um.. thanks, mom. It's almost 10pm. And I'm studying. And I'm not playing golf. Oh, and I don't play golf. Ever."
So anyway, we always had a laugh at these emails, he and I. We'd joke about how the guy pumping gas next to us will, at any moment, come over and make us sniff his new cologne so as to make us pass out and steal our car. He was always telling me that my family is always trying to provoke fear, and he told me that if I went through life living in fear, I would never be able to do anything.
Today, I got an email from my uncle after the whole we-are-not-evacuating decision. His email said, and I quote, "Make sure that your propane tank are filled, if not you can refill it at the station....ALL stores are out if you want to do exchange, but you can google online for the refill station near you." Welcome to Texas where hurricanes strike, and the main concern is how to remedy an empty propane tank. Surely evacuating the city of disaster would not be a priority.
The fact that he capitalized "ALL" makes me terrified! It also makes me wonder if the situation is a lot more dangerous than I think it is. Chaos started running through my brain, and all these awful scenarios and images started flashing across my mind. I started to shake, and then all of a sudden, I hear him laughing.
His laughter is as clear as day. Instantaneously, the panic was lifted from my body, and I could actually hear him say, "Ohhhh my gosh. There goes your family trying to scare you again. Your uncle makes it sound like the world has just been depleted of propane and that we must all go get propane now! It's a little ridiculous, don't you think? Geez, they sure are something."
I almost turned around as if he were reading the email above my shoulder. The thought of him standing behind me flashing a reassuring smile to tell me that everything was going to be fine forced me to smile a little myself.
Sigh. He's still here. He's still with me. And I still take comfort in the sound of his voice.
His low, gentle, soothing voice in my head makes me feel sane.
Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic. And yeah, I really do think.
Hurricane Ike is on its way to Houston. I feel like it's Hurricane Rita all over again. Although this time, Ike is predicted to really hit Houston. I am afraid. Ironically, though, this time my family is not moving. They're saying, "Screw the 15 hour drive to Austin. We're just going to take our chances." I always feel it's better to be safe than sorry. Usually, I'd just agree with them, but I think they've molded me to where I'm now afraid of everything.
My family has a mailing list that we use to send emails to each other. On slow days, my inbox is flooded with forwards and replies. My oldest uncle is known for sending out random forwards of chain mail and pictures. Other times, the emails consist of warnings about burglaries or shootings. Sometimes, there are emails about interesting news posted on CNN. A lot of the times, they would send out emails that they receive from God-knows-who about urban legends and myths. The most recent one was about not drinking from water bottles that you leave in your car because the heated plastic can cause cancer. I mean, come on. First of all, what doesn't cause cancer these days? And second of all, check out snopes.com. Another time, I got an email about men who stay and wait underneath women's cars in parking lots, and when the women come back to their cars, the men would slit their ankles, take advantage of them, and steal their stuff. The stories almost seem so exaggerated and too unbelievable to not be true! So unbelievable that it's believable. Not to mention, my crazy mother would call me on random days with random "facts" about random things just to instill fear into my heart. I think it's their "subtle" way of warning me not to go anywhere or do anything. They want me to become rich and successful without ever leaving the comforts of my home.
9:45pm on a Wednesday night while I'm at home alone:
"Janice. I forgot to tell you earlier. Don't play golf in the rain because lightning will strike you, and you will die."
"Um.. thanks, mom. It's almost 10pm. And I'm studying. And I'm not playing golf. Oh, and I don't play golf. Ever."
So anyway, we always had a laugh at these emails, he and I. We'd joke about how the guy pumping gas next to us will, at any moment, come over and make us sniff his new cologne so as to make us pass out and steal our car. He was always telling me that my family is always trying to provoke fear, and he told me that if I went through life living in fear, I would never be able to do anything.
Today, I got an email from my uncle after the whole we-are-not-evacuating decision. His email said, and I quote, "Make sure that your propane tank are filled, if not you can refill it at the station....ALL stores are out if you want to do exchange, but you can google online for the refill station near you." Welcome to Texas where hurricanes strike, and the main concern is how to remedy an empty propane tank. Surely evacuating the city of disaster would not be a priority.
The fact that he capitalized "ALL" makes me terrified! It also makes me wonder if the situation is a lot more dangerous than I think it is. Chaos started running through my brain, and all these awful scenarios and images started flashing across my mind. I started to shake, and then all of a sudden, I hear him laughing.
His laughter is as clear as day. Instantaneously, the panic was lifted from my body, and I could actually hear him say, "Ohhhh my gosh. There goes your family trying to scare you again. Your uncle makes it sound like the world has just been depleted of propane and that we must all go get propane now! It's a little ridiculous, don't you think? Geez, they sure are something."
I almost turned around as if he were reading the email above my shoulder. The thought of him standing behind me flashing a reassuring smile to tell me that everything was going to be fine forced me to smile a little myself.
Sigh. He's still here. He's still with me. And I still take comfort in the sound of his voice.
His low, gentle, soothing voice in my head makes me feel sane.
Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic. And yeah, I really do think.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
happy birthday, little brother
I still remember when you were running behind me at Doss Park trying to catch up, stumbling like a tiny drunk person. Tonight, you will probably be stumbling around because you really are drunk. Ha. When you were younger, I remember playing stupid made-up games with you in the dark and being so happy that I had someone to share my bunk bed with. I remember rewinding and watching The Lion King over and over again, and I remember our Sailormoon Marathon day. You've always had a bit of a temper, but the tension was eased whenever you mixed our native tongue with English while shouting angry words. Racing you in an eating contest was futile because you ate so much more than me. My, how the times have changed.
However, what hasn't changed is that you have always kept me company whenever I needed it, and I always have fun laughing with you. I can always tell you anything and everything, and I know you will never love me any less. Probably because you're not allowed to, and we're joined eternally by blood.
Sure, we've had our arguments. And sure, we've wanted to kill each other at times. But no one can ever say that they've loved you since the day you were born as much as me (aside from our parents, of course). You will always be my baby brother, and I will always, without a doubt, put you above any other guy in my life. We have an endless amount of stories to share between the two of us, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.
Happy 21st birthday. I officially feel old.
However, what hasn't changed is that you have always kept me company whenever I needed it, and I always have fun laughing with you. I can always tell you anything and everything, and I know you will never love me any less. Probably because you're not allowed to, and we're joined eternally by blood.
Sure, we've had our arguments. And sure, we've wanted to kill each other at times. But no one can ever say that they've loved you since the day you were born as much as me (aside from our parents, of course). You will always be my baby brother, and I will always, without a doubt, put you above any other guy in my life. We have an endless amount of stories to share between the two of us, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.
Happy 21st birthday. I officially feel old.
Friday, September 5, 2008
unbeautiful
I'm obsessed with this song. Story of my life.
Don't hang up
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like I'm lost
What went wrong?
What made you go?
Don't pretend
You don't know
This is me
I'm unchangeable
When did we
Fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
It's only you
I was blind
Such a fool
Thinking we
Were unbreakable
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
I've been told
What's done is done
To let it go
And carry on
And deep inside
I know that's true
I'm stuck in time
Stuck on you
We were still
Untouchable
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
Wake up wake up wake up wake up
Cause I'm only dreaming
Get out get out get out get out
Get out of my head now
Because we're much better altogether
Can't let go
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
Don't hang up
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like I'm lost
What went wrong?
What made you go?
Don't pretend
You don't know
This is me
I'm unchangeable
When did we
Fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
It's only you
I was blind
Such a fool
Thinking we
Were unbreakable
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
I've been told
What's done is done
To let it go
And carry on
And deep inside
I know that's true
I'm stuck in time
Stuck on you
We were still
Untouchable
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
Wake up wake up wake up wake up
Cause I'm only dreaming
Get out get out get out get out
Get out of my head now
Because we're much better altogether
Can't let go
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forevermore
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cause I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
humuhumunukunukuapua'a
Aloha! How wonderful and simplistic a state must be to have the same word for goodbye and hello! So, I'm off to Hawaii in T-minus 17 hours. Everyone's always talking about Hawaii, but I've never been. This will be my first time, and I'm glad it'll be with my parents and little sister. I wish my brother could go too, but alas, he's too good of a student to play hooky. Lord knows I would've left without even giving my teachers an excuse. Haha that's the difference between me and him.
I hate the sun, and I hate swimming. Why Hawaii? Oh, it's just another place to mark off my list of places-to-go. I do want to try snorkeling, though. We'll see how that goes. I think I'll need to purchase one of those underwater cameras. Yes, definitely need to do that.
Isn't it annoying whenever you tell people where you're going on vacation and then they start listing all kinds of places for you to go visit? Geez, I mean, I know people are just trying to help, but if I needed suggestions, I'll totally ask! I really will! It's just bothersome when people do that because then if I don't go to their favorite lookout or bay, I'll feel like I'm disappointing them when I get back. Or, if I don't go to all the places they've listed, I'll feel like I'm missing out on so many must-do things. What's worse is if you actually go to the place they recommend, and it ends up sucking. Now that would really piss me off.
When I went to Oregon last fall, I had opakapaka which is commonly referred to as a Hawaiian Pink Snapper. I'm looking forward to eating geographically-specific foods like that. I'm already thinking about gifts to bring back to people like family, friends, and coworkers. The only thing that comes to mind are macadamia nuts. When my cousin requested some from me, I asked her, "Doesn't HEB sell macadamia nuts?" She gasped and exclaimed, "Not these kinds!"
Holy smokes. Sold. I may just live off of macadamia nuts for the next five days.
I'm packing one Adidas gym bag full of clothes/shoes/accessories. That's it. The rest I'm going to either buy there or just re-wear. I'm trying this new thing out called "packing like a boy."
I hate the sun, and I hate swimming. Why Hawaii? Oh, it's just another place to mark off my list of places-to-go. I do want to try snorkeling, though. We'll see how that goes. I think I'll need to purchase one of those underwater cameras. Yes, definitely need to do that.
Isn't it annoying whenever you tell people where you're going on vacation and then they start listing all kinds of places for you to go visit? Geez, I mean, I know people are just trying to help, but if I needed suggestions, I'll totally ask! I really will! It's just bothersome when people do that because then if I don't go to their favorite lookout or bay, I'll feel like I'm disappointing them when I get back. Or, if I don't go to all the places they've listed, I'll feel like I'm missing out on so many must-do things. What's worse is if you actually go to the place they recommend, and it ends up sucking. Now that would really piss me off.
When I went to Oregon last fall, I had opakapaka which is commonly referred to as a Hawaiian Pink Snapper. I'm looking forward to eating geographically-specific foods like that. I'm already thinking about gifts to bring back to people like family, friends, and coworkers. The only thing that comes to mind are macadamia nuts. When my cousin requested some from me, I asked her, "Doesn't HEB sell macadamia nuts?" She gasped and exclaimed, "Not these kinds!"
The description: Whole roasted macadamia nuts, coated with crispy toffee, then dipped in creamy, rich milk chocolate, followed by a dusting of confectioner's sugar.
Holy smokes. Sold. I may just live off of macadamia nuts for the next five days.
I'm packing one Adidas gym bag full of clothes/shoes/accessories. That's it. The rest I'm going to either buy there or just re-wear. I'm trying this new thing out called "packing like a boy."
I think it's about a 10 hour flight or so. I packed a couple books for me along the way. My ipod playlist consists of JT, Jason Mraz, and Norah Jones. She soothes me since I am still afraid to fly.
The hours are ticking away at work. I have lots to do to prepare for my leave. I believe this is the first real vacation I'm taking this year. The next and final one for the year will be New York in October. Don't worry, soulmate, I'm on it. I'll be there even if the ticket will cost me an arm, a leg, and a pint of type B- blood. Save me a seat in Central Park.
Aloha for a week, biatches!
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