"the poor food of happyness"

My apologies for being so behind on my blogging. I didn’t realize I had a good number of you all reading my rants. It’s been a little hectic at work, but as time starts to slow down, I promise to be better at keeping up with my entries. I suppose - if you write… they will come.
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There were so many things I hated doing when I was a child. I couldn’t wait to grow up because I knew once I did, the world would be at the mercy of my fingertips, and I’d be able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

No one ever told me to take into account the bills, responsibilities, and chaos the world is comprised of.

I never found that perfect world I once imagined.

Instead, I find myself wishing for my childhood back. I really did have a beautiful childhood. I wish I had realized this while growing up. I was very lucky. I still am. But why is it that we always want what we can’t have? And sometimes, sadly, it’s too late to realize that what you wanted was what you had the entire time. This truly is the story of my life.

We live in a selfish world where society values status and wealth. It encourages greed and competition. To get ahead is to succeed. And even then, it’s not enough. This kind of mentality is promoted, and in turn, people lose sight of life’s true happiness. But “fortune” and “wealth” are two completely different things to me. I’m not here to preach about my idea of happiness or my definition of the meaning of life. All I’m questioning is, if you take a big step back to examine your life at this moment, would you be happy with what you’re doing now 10 years from today? It’s difficult to do this, I won’t lie. I’m not happy with my life for so many reasons, but I feel like when I look back on these years, I’ll be wishing I was 24 again. Why can’t I fully enjoy my life right now? Why is it that I expect so much from myself? I’m not saying to settle for what you have, but why can’t people work towards a better future while being content with their lives?

Anyway, the whole fiasco that sparked these deep thoughts was actually a very simple incident. It was lunch time at work, and as always, I was concentrating hard on what I wanted to eat. All of a sudden, I had this sudden nostalgic craving for cafeteria food. I don't know why! Cafeteria food sucks, right? But at that moment, that's all I could think about. I needed the poor food quality of dairy products and starches desperately. I was thinking about hamburger Thursdays and nacho Fridays and quietly wondering to myself if the nearby high school would notice if I slipped in during lunch time to grab myself a tray. Luckily, there’s a café downstairs that I figured would suffice my craving. While waiting in line, my mind drifted off to the crimped French fries and processed cheese that were frequently served with the meals in grade school. As I stood there daydreaming, the CTO of my company walked by with someone and got hold of my attention. I quickly snapped out of my fantasy and greeted him and his guest. He introduced me, and then we proceeded into the normal small talk that everyone is all too familiar with. After the “how have you been?” questions, there was a sort of awkward pause that lingered in the air. For a while, he kind of stood there waiting for me to say something, and I stood there half-mindedly waiting for the same. I say “half-mindedly” because although my dumbstruck body was standing there, my head was dancing with thoughts of buckets of coleslaw and extra sloppy joes. As my friends will vouch for me, I’m not normally the speechless type. My mouth stayed half-open as if waiting for my mind to come up with some sort of witty and intelligent topic, and if I remember correctly, I think I even slightly leaned in hoping that physical movement would jolt my thoughts awake. He hesitates to turn around because he thinks I’m about to speak, I close my mouth having come up with nothing, and then I awkwardly turn away. Slowly. I quickly considered turning back around and saying, “Oh, did you hear on CNN about the tomatoes not being the source of Salmonella anymore?” but figured otherwise since it would probably only confirm the weirdness that just took place.

Basically what happened was, I wanted cafeteria food, I started wishing for my life as a child, I was confronted by a coworker and forced to make small talk, and then I started to think about why people even bother with small talk and how small talk became such a necessary social responsibility and why I couldn't have cafeteria food anymore. Fast-forwarding to a few hours later, I somehow get around to thinking about what I just wrote in the beginning of this entry. Sigh. Whew!

So yeah, this is how my mind works. It always starts off with some ridiculously miniscule event that turns into a thought-provoking, potential life-changing contemplation. I wonder if I really am clinically unstable. One minute I’m Dr. Seuss and the next minute I’m Foucault. Then again, why can’t I just be happy being both?